Das Bloggy Blog

Pitchfork: A Year In Irrelevance

2011-12-12T21:46:00.000-08:00

Back in the day as a College Radio MD (2002-2005?), we used to read Pitchforkmedia.com every day. It was an indelible resource to check while writing a review of a band we knew nothing about, and saved us a lot of time. They were also unabashed "rockists" -- dismissing an epochal stroke of genius like Daft Punk's Discovery with a 6.4, all while giving the insufferable Dad-rock leviathan Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot a perfect 10.0***. Every once in awhile they would 'pan' a substandard record from a sacred cow just to make your head explode. This was OK, we were "rockists" at the time and knew better than to accept their musings as gospel. At the time, people actually dismissed Ryan Schrieber & Co. as "hipsters" that were "too cool for school" without realizing that people who review music by the decimal point (significant figures be damned) were much closer to being the Comic Book Guy than The Fonz.

Speaking of Happy Days, the moment that Pitchfork.com 'jumped the shark' was the moment they unveiled their "Best New Music" feature.**** No longer was Pitchfork content with 'End of the Year' type lists that served to recap and generate fanboy style debate: Pitchfork desired to become in-the-moment kingmakers. From this point on, Pitchfork became less a site that reviewed independent music, and more a site that peddled hype for middling, crowd-pleasing, "crossover-successes".** Whether it was deserved or not, Pitchfork anointed a new "Best New Music" whenever the "buzz" from the last coronation began to fade. Those without the inclination to develop and nurture a discernible taste in music now had a 'never-ending pasta bowl' of socially-acceptable tunes to fill their iPods with. The soundtrack to our Yuppie existence was being scripted in Chicago. As MDs, if we found ourselves not enjoying something getting a score over 7, it was probably a deficiency in our own stunted tastes and we had best feign a noncommittal sigh of a review and 'add' it anyway.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to project Pitchfork's career trajectory from here on out: they became another Spin/Rolling Stone favorably reviewing whatever Pop music was zeitgeist at the time. Sure, instead of telling us what remastered box set we should pick up at Best Buy they told us what rockist/popist mashup mp3 we should download.* Nowadays, every time we steel ourselves up enough to look at the site again we are greeted with a cluttered, garish, slapstick pastiche of Amy Winehouse/Lady Gaga/Green Day/[insert mainstream act X] references. Leave it to the site that once was a competent and nearly comprehensive review site for independent music to now tell us why we should buy "Watch the Throne". Yawn. Now, no record scores below 7, and every artist leaves with a winners trophy. After many years toiling in windowless labs with walls so thick hype/buzz/new can't penetrate we honestly do not know how much of this is what has already been said. We just had to vent. Allmusic.com FTW.

*"Really? Danger Mouse mashed up Arcade Fire and Lil'Wayne, and it sounds completely perfect?!?"
**Thankfully Carles frequently calls them out on it more effectively than we ever could.
***(our opinion, still having never actually listened to it)
****At this time of the year, we are reminded of the joy and anticipation these lists once held for us.

Just Another "Barca Jersey" guy

2011-10-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

It's official: "American Guy Who Wears a Barca Jersey To Every Social Event" is a new genre of humanity. It's also one that is entirely played out. In our opinion, the field (or pitch if you will) is wide open for a guy with a shaved head to start wearing a Juventus "Zidane" jersey as his default option for social occasions. This hypothetical person would get much more mental "+1"s from other people in a Zidane jersey than if he just became another "Barca guy".

We were just at a tailgating event with two "Barca guys" present, each probably secretly hating the other. A few minutes later, only one remained. Did one of them feel self conscious and change/leave? Or did one kill the other? Either way, whether you are a "solid Barca guy" like Kobe above or a "stripey Barca guy" like many others, please note that the mental "+1" bank has run dry for you and you may have to find a new way of telegraphing your sophisticated yet sporty European tastes to the American masses. May we suggest slathering yourself in Nutella?

Chomping (At The Bit)

2011-03-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

In this post, we’re going to beak down an activity we notice constantly. We snark about it when we see it in others, and when we see it in ourselves we try to tone it down. The behavior is called “chomping” due to its similarity to a restrained racehorse. At the very moment the purebreds are placed into the gates they begin anticipating the following events: gates open, and the short dude hits them with a stick until they run around the track. Obviously the quickest way to end the thwacking is to race as fast as possible to the finish line – is it any surprise the horses press the gates and chomp at the bit to expedite the conclusion of this unpleasant exercise?

People are not that much better. Anytime a line forms or a familiar routine must be completed, people often crowd the area in order to finish faster individually -- even when group completion must be achieved for the activity to end! We often wonder why these inefficient practices are not more self evident to everyone else. Dost we not aspire to be more refined than a beast trained to gallop quickly for communal amusement and wagering?

Airports are one of the best places to observe chomping. Airlines usually try to board incrementally to make the uncomfortable boarding process as quick as possible. So, they call the seats in the back to board first, so they aren’t held up by people sitting up front as they put things overhead. It sounds reasonable, but this doesn’t stop every Dick, Jane and Harry from crowding the gate, simply standing there and milling about until their “seating group” is finally called. Eventually, so many people are chomping that you can’t even separate those in the line from the impatients standing an elbows space away. Once you’ve gotten past these obstacles and make your way to the plane you find that a lot of people disregard the “boarding zones” altogether and you have to wait behind some 7a fucker. Chomping thrives in certain regions more than others, and its easy to stereotype a city’s chomping tendencies by watching how they board flights.

Suffice it to say, chomping is a way of life in New York City. Chomping is rewarded or required in so many aspects of daily life there that people bring a “chomp first ask questions later” attitude to almost every activity. Witness those who lurch over the deli counter angrily, oblivious to the number ticket system two feet behind them. You’ll never be served a drink in a crowded bar without leaning forward and eye-stabbing the bartender until you are noticed, but chomping to board the subway is very counterproductive. Sure, everyone ‘knows’ that you have to let the people out before you can get on, but in practice everyone presses near the doors before they even open as if doing so will expedite the process. Even if you respectfully not-chomp and leave room in front of the door for exiters, chompers will still simply stand in front of you and crowd the area. Then the people getting out have to force their way through, often employing strollers as people-plows. The chompers jump back, knocking into you, acting completely surprised that for the zillionth time people needed to get off the subway! One time when we were exiting the subway, two chompers took strategic positions in front of either door. They could see us waiting on the opposite side through the window, but they held their ground. When the doors opened they simultaneously tried to enter, leaving us no room in the doorway. We exited in one decisive step, carefully calibrating the force exerted by our 200 pound frame to knock the chompers back one full step but not further. It was a great moment.

Having lived in NYC for awhile, chomping is so ingrained into our psyche it is difficult to turn off. Just today, we were checking into our flight at a small Midwestern airport with only two “self check-in kiosks”, the line for which was the same as to wait for the ticketing agent. The ticketing agent called for the next person to use the kiosk, and nobody came forward so we figured they were all waiting for the agent. Chomping like a real New Yorker, we asked all of them if they were going to use the kiosk and they uncomfortably told us to go for it. Now at the front, we asked a woman standing in front of the kiosk but doing nothing if she was going to use it. She replied that she was waiting for an agent to help her use the kiosk and it was ok for us to use it but she wanted to watch. We tried to “walk her through it” but she seemed dumbfounded by the step where you swipe your credit card for identification, so we don’t know how she would handle the 5 upsell opportunities United throws at you without accidentally buying an emergency exit row seat or something. A decent human being would have helped her too, but we just got our tickets and left. A chomping success story? Sure, we got out of that line faster, but it was still so early the TSA hadn’t even opened the security theatre yet. A line had even formed around the barrier, as if doing so would make the plane leave earlier.

What say you, “readers”? Do you hate chompers, even as you chomp yourself? Do you chomp at inopportune times, silently offending the strangers around you? Do you care?

Random Cameraphone Schtüffenzie

2011-02-25T19:17:00.000-08:00

Clearing out our cameraphone's cache:

"They" turned the stairway we walked up every day into a weird movie set, then made us walk somewhere else.
Now we work somewhere with posters like this.
We get it already!
What you do when the dollar goes into the shitter but you still have all these containers that hold 4 screwdrivers.
If this were true, that would suck for Alabama.
The Alibi, located in Jacksonville Florida, is an authentic dive bar experience geared towards the Western Pennsylvania diaspora. It has this poster in its bathroom. (Emoticons added by us)

Back in the fall, our friend Tim's friends flaked out on him for Pavement's Central Park concert. Our gain!! (Thanks again, Tim)

The victims of "Snowpocalypse 2010/11" didn't melt from their slushy graves for like a week.

We've Been Reading Too Much HRO

2011-01-23T16:25:00.000-08:00

Thought I had it all
Graduated and 'got a job' in an alt.area
Thought I could live somewhere alt
Be one of those bros who just bikes places
Who flakes out on apptmnts 2 do something more relevant
Consume locally, nosh on fusion tacos/remixed comfort food/seasonal new american fare
Do other relevant things I found on my iPhone

But apartments were ugly/expensive/shitty

Landlords were crazy [via demanding 'monthly inspections']
Is it crazy 2 want central heat/dishwasher/laundry?
Had 2 hold off on 'joining the scene'

Moved n2 my parents house in the exurbs
Now I'm just a bro that commutes
Now I'm just a bro that only goes 5 mph over the speed limit [via not getting pulled over]
Just a bro who hits the steering wheel in anger when some1 drives slow in the left lane
Just a bro who passes on the right

This bro is doomed to this life
Eating value 'meals' + frozen broccoli 'mega-packs'
Waking up at 4:30 AM 2 beat 'the traffic' + listening to morning radio w/ 'witty banter'
Having neighbors who 'H8 Obamacare' + 'drop the n-word in casual conversation'
'Whacking it' in a private viewing room in an adult video store off a 'frontage road' on the way 2 work because I'm 2 tired 2 'make love to my wife' at night

This bro is me

What do y'all think?
When u want to just drive slow do u chill in the middle lane or get over 2 the right one?
Are 'frontage roads' the best thing or worst thing about America?
Will my children grow 2 resent the comfortable suburban life I will provide 4 them?
Will my children eventually move away to Canada and join/start a 'collective'?
Should I give up on living a moderately alt.lifestyle?
Should every1 n my family have their own car?
Should I value granite countertops/stainless steel appliances/access 2 swimming pool/access 2 fitness center ovr proximity to alt cafes/food trucks/performance spaces/co-operatives?
Should I just 'bite the bullet' and move to a shitty apartment complex in the first ring of suburbs 2 'shave' 20 mins off my commute?

Pros and Cons of New York

2011-01-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

We are moving to Austin and had a going away party. As a "cheesy party gimmick" we asked the guests to write their most favorite and least favorite things about NYC. Our reactions are in italics.

Favorite Things:

People who are so beautiful and then their bouncer tosses you to the curb
Ethnic Food
Diverse Food Options
Culture of Philanthropy NYC is a city where you trade some of your wealth for status by giving it away or buying a political office
It's Like One Million Cities at Once.
Opportunity to Work @ Well-Known Companies & Organizations As an unpaid intern!
Great Bars Open 'Til 4AM Suck on that Boston
Our SUPER AWESOME public transportation system ... esp the SUBWAY which is open longer than the bars, Suck on that Boston
That You Can Ask a Stranger on the Train about a book and he might decide to stay on the train past his stop to finish it and give it to you.
Acting like a jaded NYer i.e. acting blase about celebrities, h8ing on Times Sq., Rockefeller Center, Hating tourists @ Grand Central funny the Times Sq. bomber/terrist said the SAME thing!
Summer Thunderstorms so sensual
The Cloisters thought this was just a made up place that didn't actually exist
Finding Food @ 3AM after clubbing & not necessarily DINER food. See Taco Mix, Roti Roll, etc.
Meeting peeps that are so different and from all over the worlds (so cliche)
Lots of opportunities to practice espanol
Never Have to Drive
Minimalist Living don't let the things you own end up owning you
Waiting on celebrities @ Murrays thought we were jaded about the celebs
Running into celebrities
The Transit Museum! (its in an abandoned subway station)
The Hair
The Irish Hunger Memorial
Roberta's Pizzeria so delicious its worth putting up with the pretentiousness
Central Park
Laundry Outsourced lots of exploitable people in NYC
Masturbating on Subways
Places are open past 2AM
How no one speaks just one language
Lunatics living here
Farmers Markets
Taco Mix yes the best taqueria in NYC
Everybody minds their own business often poorly
How CRAZY everyone is (unusually large number of disturbed persons)

Least Favorite Things:

The Boss Thought Bruce was from Jersey
MetroCard Fares/MTA/Signal Probles/Sick Passengers
Urban Malaise this is only acceptable in moody arthouse flicks, not IRL
Grocery Store Beer Prices yes, $12 for a 6-pk
Psyching Yrself Up to Leave the House
Slush at Every Corner Like they are nobody's responsibility
Ethnic Food Made by Mexicans NYC, where Mexicans make every type of food, except when Asians make Mexican Food
Having Friends That Live 2 Hours Away and Still Live in NYC
When Its 100+ degrees and HUMID and you Must Descend Into The Train Station at least the trains have AC
Hooka Clubs soo 2003
The Marine Air Terminal OMG I got off at the wrong terminal for my flight to Chicago!
Strollers!!!
Blizzards, and ever more so, walking thru the slush @ corners post-blizzard
No Backyard
GODDAMN STROLLERS ON THE SUBWAY yeah only people rich enough to afford car service should be allowed to procreate
New Jersey Bridge & Tunnel Crowd
Stench (of garbage, sewage, trees?) in the summer! see #16, add cologne to the list
Liberals just realized no Repubs would come to our apt in E. Harlem and that this should be in the Fave Things column.
Hard to make plans to get together w/ friends
Carrying Groceries Home
No washer/dryer in apartment
Bald People
Fucking Hipsters assuming 'Fucking' is meant as a pejorative not a verb and that this in the right column
New York City style driving thought we didn't have to drive
Taxi Cab Driving Skills!
No Nature
Masturbating Men on Subways :( And they said there was no nature!
Hummers assuming this refers to the car, not the sexual act, and this is correctly categorized
The Bus system. It's dirty
Lunatics
Street Trash whatever you say, Mr. Bickle
Midtown is actually just a huge outdoor mall
Broadway has lots of people

We're on Team STFU

2010-12-26T00:27:00.000-08:00

The most culturally transcendent moment of 2010 in America was undoubtedly the war over "The Tonight Show", in which the fears and stereotypes of generational angst played out on the national stage. Every audience member in this great show had the opportunity to jeer and opionionate with this ugly episode.

In one corner was the redheaded upstart Conan O'Brien, who toiled for years in Late Late Night and slowly gained enough confidence to want to move up. Jay Leno and NBC promised him "The Tonight Show" and he patiently waited, but when it was time, all they did was undermine him and take away his show before he had been given a fair chance to succeed. While Conan is decidedly a member of "Generation X", Team Coco was mostly made of "Millennials" who had grown up watching Conan while in middle/high school. Staying up later than everyone else in their family so that they could sit on the floor, eat ice cream out of the carton, and chill, Millenials had a deep emotional bond with Conan.

Unfortunately, most of Team Coco didn't notice that the shows writing had gradually lost steam since it had lost its greatest source of jokes: that they were 'outsiders' who 'nobody' watched because the timeslot was so bad. Of course, you were watching, so this only deepened your attachment to the show. We're not sure in what alternate universe a 6'4" white guy who went to Harvard is a quirky underdog, but Conan was 100% successful in casting himself as one. Nobody above a B lister was ever a guest and moderately alt bands were on sometimes. How can you make jokes about being the underdog once Tom Cruise and Will Smith become regular guests? How can you show the Masturbating Bear or Triumph TICD to "Middle America"? Gaining a bigger audience was the worst thing to happen to Conan. If you want respect as a comedian, its better to be funny than to be widely popular.

When The Tonight Show was taken back from Conan, Millennials saw their own struggles magnified. To much hand-wringing, Millennials are the most unemployed age group, who live with their parents and put off marriage because they are unemployed. They perceive that a big reason they can't get "jobs worth having" is because of all the "Boomers" who are grasping onto their jobs too long. And here was this old guy, Jay Leno, having the chutzpah to not retire when told, taking away the position that he promised to Conan! Plus, all he did was buy gas guzzling cars and endorse Republicans and not be funny at all.

When The Tonight Show was taken away from Jay, Boomers saw their own struggles magnified. Here came this young guy who felt entitled to a position he didn't earn! All Jay Leno had done was completely dominate the ratings for over a decade, and as a reward he was being coaxed into a nursing home so they could hand the job over to some guy who didn't even make jokes about newspaper typos. Well you know what, you can take this "retirement package" and shove it up your ass! I'll hand over my job when my performance merits it and not a moment sooner! If these 'Team Cocos' or whatever like him so much, why didn't they actually watch him and give him ratings?

Well, you know how this turned out. Conan got banished to cable, and we moved back into our parents house.

Quarterlife Crisis Vol. 1: Setting the Scene

2010-12-18T21:52:00.000-08:00

A Tendinitis Cure?

2010-12-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, we were in daily pain. We loved to play basketball, but our knee did not. Patellar tendinitis, aka "Jumper's Knee", flared up without fail after playing. The next few days would be filled with grimaces and sometimes a slight limp. When the pain subsided enough, we would play again and the cycle would begin anew. We tried taking OTC anti-inflammatories like Ibuprofen or Aleve, but they would only provide momentary relief. We couldn't just take them all the time because we didn't want to end up like Alonzo Mourning. Even a month's rest (because of ankle sprains) did little to 'quell the beast'; we had been suffering from tendinitis for over a year. A cure came from an unlikely source: binge drinking/eating at a crawfish boil.

A Louisiana crawfish boil involves boiling pounds of crawfish, red potatoes, and corn in a broth chock full of salt and cayenne pepper. Eating each crawfish involves so much work it makes pistachios look like Redi-Whip; breaking open each shell to get the tailmeat slowly tears at your thumbskin. Done properly, so much cayenne pepper is involved that it burns your cuticles and mouth equally, leaving terror-gulps of Abita as your only source of respite. Shockingly, this crawfish boil took place in the North, North Bronx. It was arranged by our friend Christian Aucoin, who leveraged his local contacts to have crates of the live river lobsters airlifted to NYC.

The next day we headed to the gym for our tried and true routine of sweating out our hangover. This was a tip we had originally heard of from Vin Baker. This was also the first time in over a year that our knee was pain free! The only thing we thought that could have contributed to this was all the pepper we ate. We hurriedly ordered bottle after bottle of cayenne pepper pills from Puritan's Pride. We took 3 a day, one with each meal. After breakfast it burned like a 'fire in the belly' for about 20 minutes, with lunch gave no sensation, and for dinner had to be taken well ahead of sleepytime. To put this delicately, before our body adjusted to such high doses it affected our "movements" in predictable ways. But these were all easy trades to make because our knee gradually became pain free all the time.

Why does it work for us? Pepper burns, so why does it appear to have anti-inflammatory effects? This seems counter-intuitive like Ritalin or Homeopathic medicine! We speculate that the burning sensation of pepper makes your own body produce its own anti-inflammatory response, which happens to be more effective than synthetic ones. Then again, a simple Google search brought up this nugget:

All chili peppers, including cayenne, contain capsaicin, which in addition to giving cayenne its characteristic heat, is a potent inhibitor of substance P, a neuropeptide associated with inflammatory processes.

Well, OK then.

About That Henry Rollins Video

2010-11-24T18:11:00.000-08:00

By any measure, Henry Rollins has had more success in music and acting than 99% of the people who try to 'break in' to those industries. He quit an ice cream job in DC to join the already established hardcore punk institution known as Black Flag. Disaffected, 'damaged' teenagers countrywide still don their hoodies in respect. Lately his film career has been built on playing 'crazy roughs' like the prison guard in Lost Highway, and the neoNazi who raped Peggy Bundy in Sons of Anarchy. You would think that his ability to carve a career in things that are very competitive would give him a sense of calm confidence in middle age. No, in fact he's incredibly insecure and lashes out angrily towards things he has trouble understanding.

In the video, Henry is in an East Village record store sarcastically commenting on the "hip, switched-on, intellectually intense" quality of its selection. Often at these stores, CDs from the 80's and early 90's like Black Flag are relegated to an 'old-school' section of sorts (but are still stocked). When some inebriated fans call out his name, he becomes as angrily condescending as possible. Obviously, violating the sanctity of Henry flipping through some CDs at a record store is the most unpunk, bourgeois action one could take, ever.

He groans that young people consider him a dinosaur that needs to 'get out of the way'. Meanwhile, everyone in the store is actually a genuine fan of his music, and music by the Wipers, a punk group started in 1977, plays on the soundsystem. So much for that theory.

Henry is also visibly disturbed that someone would give him their band's CD. Moments later, Henry vows to give his own Grammy-award winning book to the video's costar, whose pants he is trying to get into. Out of everyone in the store, Shirin Neshat probably came from the most upperclass upbringing, as the daughter of a physician who currently makes a living as a 'visual artist'.

After excoriating every other person in the store for being a 'trust-fund poser', Henry steps into a limousine, lamenting the fact that he knew a confrontation was inevitable the moment he walked into the "elitist, very young" store. Henry, confrontations are always inevitable if you start them! Henry, the only way record stores can stay in business is by catering to very select audiences!

Henry's real problem with young folk, we believe, is his firm hatred of irony. In Black Flag, the most ironic they ever got was making fun of mindless television consumption, and cheap empty-minded drunks. The kind of opaquely-intentioned blend of detachment and appreciation in the irony sported by today's Youngs may seem foreign and irritating to someone as genuinely direct as Henry Rollins. But goddamn it, just deal with it, you hypocritical, successful sell-out!

Found Art: The Most "American" Object Ever?

2010-11-08T10:31:00.000-08:00

It was in the bargain aisle of a discount store that we found an object that symbolizes American culture more than any other object we have ever seen. For only $4, we had to buy it.

The object is an oversized zip-up folder depicting 90's baseball star Mark McGuire after he has just swung his bat. He gazes confidently ahead, presumably watching as his 'dinger' reaches heights impossibly high for most, yet comfortably usual for him. His right arm and shin are cloaked in light armor. While not really exerting himself, his every muscle remains cartoonishly inflated, like a monster-truck tire. His pants hang baggy around his knee even as the meaty part of his thigh tests the seam's limits. Even as the nature of the medium limits the image's resolution, the strains in his inflexible neck tendons are clearly visible.

In the late 1990's, baseball needed to "capture the nation's imagination" again, and "just showing up" wasn't going to cut it. No, the only thing that would make the grade would be jacked up dudes hitting longballs. Steroids were never in the discussion -- how would steroids even make one better at baseball? Hitting a sphere with a tapered cylinder was done by practice and god-given hand eye coordination. Steroids were for sprinters and East German swimmers. Power hitters like McGwire were no bigger than your average NFL linebacker anyway. In America, the ends fuck the means, results matter, and just win baby. If a few eggs get broken along the way, cook 'em on the sidewalk, and let a third-world country drink that lemonade.

Mark McGwire was a sympathetic single father who was making America's Game America's Game once again, to the delight of the bandwagon-hopping Bob Costases of the world. His ligaments rendered brittle by age and synthetic hormone, he retired right before people allowed themselves to believe how their sausage was made.

Completing this eternal circle is the merchandising. McGwire's image and likeness were licensed from the MLB by Starline, Inc. based in Holbrook N.Y. In 1999, they lazily designed several folders depicting several broadly recognized professional athletes: Favre. Rice. O'Neal. Illegible logos on the spine of the folder indicate that the folder was "Genuine Merchandise" and one of the prestigious "MLB Players Choice" line of folders. The actual fabrication of the folders was contracted to China instead of Holbrook N.Y. Too many were made and the items languished on the shelf, presumably at stores like Wal-Mart and/or K-Mart. Years later, the color faded but the synthetic fibers unaltered by time, the last few pallets in the back of a warehouse in an interstate-bordering town were unloaded to a discount store, where they were purchased ironically by nostalgia-seeking undergrads.

Skillslate: Matching Clients And Service Providers

2010-09-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

Now, the lazy people who run this blog don't run ads, but we aren't journalistic paragons either. When our good friends Bartek and Adrian (B&A) started a company and asked DBB to write about it, we happily obliged. It turns out that B&A got real jobs after college, and actually have more money than time. The reverse is true for graduate students. So, B&A frequently encounter problems in life that we've only heard about in Drew Barrymore romcoms -- how can one easily find trustworthy service providers?(movers, dogwalkers, hairdressers, etc) At DBB, we don't just do our own laundry, we make our own laundry detergent. For B&A, who took economics classes, nothing crushes their spirit more than a perceived market need going unfulfilled.

So, they took matters into their own hands, and spent the better part of a year getting initial funding for www.skillslate.com . Skillslate doesn't expect to make money from the customers or advertisements, but instead has built a revenue model based on commissions from service providers. So, Skillslate's biggest challenge will be meeting the needs of the service providers: a group often ensconced within the underground economy, thriving on word of mouth and the lowest possible overhead. Since Skillslate was initially conceived to meet the needs of the customers, thinking from the service provider's POV will take a level of method acting that would make Lee Strasberg proud.

There obviously is a need for a website where customers can search a database of rated service providers. Skillslate continues to evolve, through redesigns and expansions, in order to distinguish it from the pack of like-minded competitors. One niche that Skillslate could definitely step into is the void left behind by Craigslist in the wake of their dropping of the "Adult Services" section. However, due to the nature of Skillslate's revenue model, this could be a tricky proposition, from a legal standpoint.

One recent development at Skillslate that we are decidedly not fans of is the loss of A from Skillslate. Days after this "move", Skillslate announced $1.1M in new funding.

Slurp, Slurp, Slurp

2010-08-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

Now that that teeny oil leak in the gulf is juuuuust about buggered up, its time to get down to the serious question: When do we start eating the shrimp and oysters again? Well, if you must wonder, the answer is "now"! Wait, you don't want to eat this seafood fresh from the Gulf Coast? You're worried about ingesting crude oil components or a toxic, proprietary chemical dispersant formulated by BP? Fuck you, you elitist snob! Didn't you hear that Gulf Coast seafood was entirely safe to eat?!? That's because the MARKETING CAMPAIGN hasn't started yet!

The FDA is taking a double faceted approach to ensure that Gulf seafood is back on the marketplace faster than you can say "Rubber Stamp Approval": some dude will smell it, aaand a laboratory will say it's OK:

Any fishing area affected by oil was closed to commercial fishing as a precautionary measure. In order to reopen an area to fishing, as was done a week ago with finfish and shrimp in state waters east of the Mississippi River, states must comply with FDA and NOAA reopening protocols requiring that seafood samples from each fishery be both smell tested by professional NOAA testers and chemically tested in one of the FDA's labs.
The area has to be designated as free of heavy oil by federal and state agencies before testing can begin. So far, none of the thousands of samples done by NOAA and the FDA has come back negative for the presence of oil or dispersants.

Nothing has come back negative for the presence of oil or dispersants? That sounds fantastic. We're sure that the dead animals washing ashore are doing so because they are so oil-free and plentiful. If this doesn't convince you that the seafood is OK, we don't know what would. We're absolutely sure that the dude that smells stuff is completely legit, and that ASTM quality laboratory protocols has already been developed to detect the effects of an unprecedented event that happened a couple of months ago. Yeah.

So now that Gulf seafood has been completely proven, without a doubt, to be safe, the only step left is to convince you to eat this oyster. Seriously, we'll pay you like 5 dollars to eat it.

Now Fuck Off Out Of Our Blogspot

2010-07-23T22:22:00.000-07:00

Deputy Commissioner Burrell of The Wire may "rather live in shit than let the world see [him] work a shovel", but Gordon Ramsey proved different with the 1998 documentary miniseries Boiling Point. His ego-fulfilling quest to achieve a 3-Michelin starred restaurant demonstrated all of the assholery and dirty work necessary to achieve ephemeral greatness -- and more importantly -- it was captivating television.

It wasn't long before he was a star on both sides of the pond -- known as "that British asshole on Fox who yells a lot" in the States thanks to decibel busters Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, and as "the fiery Scot with a soft side" in the UK due to his shows there. The British version of KM involves such rosy scenes as the one in which Ramsey softly coos to an overconfident young chef hoping to flip one AA rosette into two: "Now, Chef to Chef, how do you really feel about this?". Its surely a far cry from its American retread, which mostly involves screaming obscenities at Long Island-based, soon-to-be insolvent, fry-cooks-cum-executive chefs. But we're here to talk about his most ambitious and attention demanding offering: The F Word, of which seasons 3 and 4 are now playing on your local Bit Torrent channel!

The F Word is such an intense viewing experience that we can only watch one episode during a 24 hour period without losing our sanity, and even then only on certain days when we feel our moral fibre is up to snuff. It should be preceded by a mental health warning. Its half-a-dozen individual show concepts sliced into paper thin segments and conjoined into one continuous smelling salt huff. Nominally, The F Word is a weekly group-based cooking challenge in which amateur contestants attempt to achieve the highest approval ratings for a three course meal served in a ridiculously tacky restaurant. Guests include various British celebrities of dubious continental fame -- when Baby Spice takes a turn behind the sauté pan simply her given name is sufficient to arouse recognition among the local audience.

It may be rawr, but that's not all. Gordon also teaches you cook one of his creations per week to the beat of his staccato, tightly edited, and visceral instructions -- "hot pan. olirrve oil. venison. SEEEEER. shall-lots. Juniper. ROSE-mury. Butter.Let Rest"

Then, Gordon takes a field trip in order to harvest some suitably exotic foodie meat with expert locals and traditional hunting methods. After simultaneously giving Micheal Pollan and Ted Nugent a boner by succeeding, he then proceeds to cook on the fly and in the field. Sometimes even squatting while wielding a cutting board on his lap and a fire at his feet -- he's obviously cribbing from his rival Jamie Oliver:

Throughout the season, Gordon supervises the hand-raising of domesticated meat from birth to slaughter with snippets inserted into each episode, and in addition a cackling Janet Street Porter attempts various exposés vis-à-vis the origin of Britain's foods:

Just when you try to catch your breath, Gordon reprises Bobby Flay's Throwdown with more anonymous British Celebs. Instead of Flay's tone of reverential deference to his 'opponents', Ramsay berates and trash talks them, and upon victory glibly advises them to "Fuck off out of my kitchen!" With the new FCC obscenity ruling, this would make another great GR import if Americans weren't treating their hyperactivity with amphetamines.

City Impressions: Manhattan

2010-07-14T18:42:00.001-07:00

City Impressions is a reoccurring Das Bloggy Blog feature in which, after only a few days of experiencing a 'city of interest', sweeping generalizations about "how this city is" will be given. Certain to annoy locals, assuredly we will "not get it" and not have experienced the "real" city of interest.

To inaugurate this horrible reoccurring feature, we thought we would first rag on the place we currently live. Manhattan is a pretty big island so completely packed with people that you can constantly relive your worst claustrophobic nightmares. No matter where you are in Manhattan, you are actually taking up valuable space that could be more profitably utilized by a banker with bonus money to spend. Hey you! Leaning against something to the side over there! I need to go over there, move it!

Now with such overcrowding, one would think Manhattanites might venture to places outside of the island from time to time. Not so. Considering the public transportation options, Manhattanites have a world class island mentality problem. First of all, convincing someone from Manhattan to do something in Queens or Brooklyn requires a sales pitch so strong it deserves a commission. Then, if you are even successful getting them to leave the island, they spend the entire time nervously looking at their watch, certain that by the clock strikes eleven every subway will start running bihourly, stranding them on a hot platform with nowhere to pee. No, they would actually rather do something just as far away from their apartment as what you proposed, but still on The Island.

So, they spend their time on The Island, meeting other people from The Island, and asking/receiving the same exact 3 questions over and over:

What do you do? I don't know you and need an easy way to put you in a mental box.
Where do you live? Now I need to judge you. Note that, since I already know what you do, If you are living in a neighborhood I think is outside of your means, I am free to speculate on how you cover the balance.
What do you pay? Now I gotta make sure you aren't getting a better deal than me. Whats that? You were raised to not tell mere acquaintances personal details such as this? Let me repeat: So, really, what do you pay?

In Manhattan, people don't have housewarming parties as much as "3rd question" parties.

We Thought This Was Basketball, Not Rugby

2010-06-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

Since most NBA championships are as lopsided as a typical Super Bowl, a Game 7 should be the most dramatic event that the sport has to offer. But even with the Lakers down as much as 13 late in the game, the outcome never really seemed to be in question. Whenever the refs swallow their whistles as completely as they did in this contest, all in the misguided effort to "let the players play the game", it completely alters the style of play to the point that the action on the television no longer resembles what viewers know as "NBA basketball". Instead, it becomes the least tasteful brand of basketball known: Pickup basketball being taken way too seriously.

From the opening tipoff, the refs made it known that pretty much every foul that is usually called would not be called in Game 7. In the first six games only Ray Allen had been allowed to egregiously hump and reach around Kobe without getting called for it. Now, all of the Celtics were given free reign to handcheck, push, and hold anyone driving to the basket. In return, the Lakers were allowed to wildly flail their offhand to create space, and go over the back for offensive rebounds on the bricks they kept throwing up.

Despite all of this, Jeff van Gundy couldn't have been more effusive about how much he enjoyed the game. It's no wonder -- he was assistant coach for the Knicks during the Pat Riley days. These were the worst years for NBA basketball, when the paradigm for winning was as simple as beating the other team up until they were afraid to drive to the basket, and shot jumpers worse than you. Watching the two top teams in the NBA devolve into bad impersonations of this era must have really stirred up some nostalgic pride for him. In recent years the quality of play has been completely rejuvenated by the more consistent calling of perimeter fouls. Allowing the refereeing to revert back to this era is akin to rolling back our plumbing to Bubonic Plague era standards in the name of "letting humanity and microbes compete on a even playing field". The more talented team should win, not the one that responds better to consistent physical punishment.

Despite all of this, the ugliest part of the game was the consistently awful defense of Pau Gasol. We don't know if this is a case of a player being simultaneously intense and soft, or simply horrible, horrible coaching, but either way it was inexcusable for this detail not to be fixed in the game. Every time Kevin Garnett got the ball in the left-side high post, he turned around to face up his defender, Gasol. Every time Garnett did this, Gasol positioned his feet orthogonal to the baseline and got into a defensive crouch. A stance like this telegraphs the defenders strategy -- to take away the right hand. It also boasts confidence in the defenders ability to slide down crab-style faster than the ball handler can drive left and finish. Garnett may have lost a step, but even one step behind he is quicker than most big men -- and he proceeded to abuse Gasol repeatedly by faking to get Gasol off-balance and then driving hard to the left. What is now celebrated as the "block of the night" was Garnett's final use of this 'move'. Instead of getting blown by like he had every time previously in this game, this time Gasol recovered enough to hack the shit out of Garnett's wrist. But like every other foul in this game, the refs neglected to make the call. KG obviously isn't talented at finishing at the left, but for Gasol's stance to be effective a help defender should have been ready to slide in and take the charge whenever KG took the bait and drove to the basket.

Our last impressions of the game were one of pleasant surprise that Ron Artest, still completely insane, played such a vital part in this Lakers team. We never thought he would be able to become just another role-playing cog in Phil Jackson's championship grandfather clock, but he proved a more than able replacement for Trevor Ariza with his stupendous off-the-ball defense and offensive rebounding. We would also be bad bloggers if we didn't link you to Deadspin's excellent series of posts with "disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy" where he breaks down every call he considers questionable.

GOTTA GET THE GEAR!!!

2010-06-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

It's tough to say whether excess consumption created the suburbs or was created by it. Those big houses gotta be filled up with something, and conversely, one needs a big house to hold all of ones stuff. But this much is true: this country has one fucked up addition to stuff.

The evermost passing fancy to begin a hobby leads the average American, even "in this economy", to splurge on every last bit of upper-midlevel gear one could conceivably use in the pursuit of this hobby. Even our character in Mass Effect, whose items are constantly approaching the limit of 150, gazes across this land with disgust. Pretty much every hobby worth doing can be started with a bare modicum of gear, with more items added later on an actual need basis. For many people, buying the gear is actually more fun and rewarding than its actual use; the ephemeral validation it provides is fleeting and needs to be constantly recreated. Well folks, there's a word for these types of people, and we got called it a lot in 8th grade for wearing lots of Mossimo shirts without actually skateboarding.

You definitely know, or perhaps are, the type of person we refer to. At the merest possibility of camping as an activity, the stock prices of Coleman's and The North Face shoot up in anticipation of the glorious binge of tents, sleeping bags, lamps, and windbreakers. After one weekend at the state park, in which everyone ended up actually renting a cabin, all that shit sits in their garage's stratosphere. Out of reach, out of mind.

This also may be a shocker, but to take up jogging as an activity one only really needs a good pair of shoes. But that doesn't stop all the "real job" holding motherfuckers we routinely pass on the Central Park loop from purchasing every type of sweat-wicking garment known to man to serve their biannual attempts at "getting back into shape". When that fails, they become 'triathletes', because then you get to buy three times the amount of shit that doesn't make you go faster.

Even activities with presumptive anti-materialist, body/mind/spirit/wellness ethos like yoga only become mainstream popular when $100 fleece pants hit the market. This pose is called "lighter wallet". Got a kitchen? Well, better fill up that counterspace with a KitchenAid mixer for all the cookies you'll never bake, preferably in a tone that matches your Italian-designed, chromed espresso maker that is too annoying to clean everytime (plus you have to go to tamp school already!!). And that Le Creuset set you picked up at Whole Foods is great for reheating old takeout.

We have to admit, we were trained to get the gear from an early age. After expressing an interest in learning guitar, it wasn't long before we walked out of the guitar store with everything the salesperson assured our mothers we needed: a capo, a metronome, an amp, a case, and worse yet an electroacoustic Ovation. Of course, all we really needed was a guitar without action so high it made our fingers feel like they were bleeding. But those were simpler, pre-internetized times in which information at our fingertips that could have preempted excessive gear buying didn't yet exist. It's easy to Googs some stuff, or ask questions on a message board to figure out what is really needed to get started. But all too often the internet is simply used as a resource to find more shit to compulsively collect.

Here's a tip: when you want to begin a hobby start with the secondhand bare minimum needed. You don't need the hardcover instruction book with large color pictures, you need a library card. Since you suck at it, pay yourself minimum wage and only get the gear slowly as you put in the hours in to justify it. You'll make more informed purchases, and have less stressed-out-factory-worker blood on your organic, fine-thread burlap smock you got with the art set sitting in your closet.

Farmer's Tan, Indeed

2010-05-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

When we posted about the unpaid butchery internship at Marlow and Daughters, we suspiciously got 30 hits. Somebody's been checking their Google Alerts! In the name of getting lots of pageviews, we've got to pass along another great volunteering opportunity. The Brooklyn Grange, a for-profit profit making enterprise, is located on a rooftop in Queens and would like you to shovel some synthetic dirt around for exactly zero compensation:

Hello all,

We're excited to announce that we're headed into the second phase of construction this week! Brooklyn Grange will once again commence work on the roof of 37-18 Northern Boulevard tomorrow, Thursday, May 20th, at 6:30am. We are looking for help completing the installation of the farm. Please join us for a session tomorrow, Friday or Monday the 20th, 21st or 24th of May. Install sessions will begin at 6:30am sharp and end somewhere between 2:30 and 4pm in the afternoon. It's hard work, but fun, and it's supposed to be warm and sunny (did someone say farmer's tan?!). It would mean the world to us if we could count on you for one or more of those days. Let us know if you can commit to a full day; please include the day you'd like to work, your full name and contact number in your reply.

Thanks so much for your ongoing support getting us off the ground!

All the best,

Anastasia & the Brooklyn Grange

The Brooklyn Grange, even though it is located in Queens, is just the latest profit-making venture to jump aboard the Brooklyn-branding bandwagon. Evidently someone involved with the Brooklyn Grange was in Brooklyn at some point or something, so that is good enough reason to call it the Brooklyn Grange even though it is in Queens. We recently were able to make up a version of Anastasia in our heads and fake-interview her:

DBB: Thanks for sitting down with us Anastasia. Since the Brooklyn Grange is a for-profit venture serving the condo-laden neighborhood of Long Island City and various bourgeois restaurants like Roberta's, why the need for volunteers?

I'm glad your blog is showing an interest. During the brainstorming period of the Brooklyn Grange, we actually did some market research and found that historically, the most profitable farms have benefited from free labor, or at the very least exploiting their workers. Slashing our labor costs will give us the best chance to compete in a crowded marketplace of local, Pollanesque foods. After all, farmers tan anyone?

DBB: But you are doing all of this without the traditional means of exploiting labor -- so its really impressive you've found a new way of doing this. Could you elaborate on this?

Definitely. We've found the best way to get people to work for you for free is to be completely shameless about it -- spam as many non-profit listservs as possible, host fundraisers, etc. We even finangled a series of fluff pieces in the New York Times through our media connections. Nobody is going to just show up on your doorstep, asking to work for you for free. You've got to go out there and make them feel guilty for not making money for me, Anastasia. After all, farmers tan anyone?

DBB: Well, thats just it. There must be thousands of community gardens in New York City that help feed people who can't afford a $30 plate of pork belly sliders with heirloom tomato salad. Why should able-bodied volunteers give their time to you instead of actual community farms?

We support community agriculture, but wouldn't you rather spend your weekend in the sun at 6:30 AM sharp with a bunch of like-minded, creative peers, say that you've made a difference, and call it a day? After all, farmers tan anyone?

Fun With Numerical Methods in LaPlace Space

2010-05-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

We've all solved partial diffential equations (PDE's) by the LaPlace transform method -- right? You apply the LaPlace transform to the PDE and boundary conditions by looking them up on LaPlace transform tables. After applying the transformed initial condition, you're left with an ODE that can usually be solved analytically without too much difficulty. But then comes the moment of truth -- can you invert your solution back to real space using inverse LaPlace transform tables? In a graduate-level transport class you probably won't be given a PDE that can't by inverted back with the tables, but in real-life these situations can and do arise. Plus, in real-life you usually have some data that you want to fit with your LaPlace-space model. What do you do then? Well, if you really must know...

You can make a MATLAB function that numerically inverts your model and use the function nlinfit to do a regression of your function to the data! Sure, you could do this on FORTRAN with IMSL routines, but 'in this economy' we don't think in terms of punchcards. Plus, Matlab has built in non-linear regression functions. The first thing you will need is a good numerical LaPlace inversion function for MATLAB -- we use invlap.m, which can be downloaded here. In fact, we recommend going through this extensive tutorial on how invlap.m is employed before attempting to write your own code. Basically, you write one function that accepts parameter values and returns the LaPlace space solution only as a function of s, the LaPlace space variable. Then you write another function in the form of "ordinate = model(parameters,abcissa)", in which parameters will be the parameters you want fitted, and abcissa will be the x-values of your data. This model should be able to take an arbitrary vector of parameters and vector of x-values and return a vector of y-values by calling invlap. Try to guess and check your parameters vector so it matches up with your data visually well. Then, you can start the fitting with something like [parameters,resid,J,Sigma] = nlinfit(abcissa,ordinate,'model',parameters) and even get error bars on the fitted parameters with nlparci.

Of course, things may not be as simple as we've briefly described. You can't employ constraints with nlinfit, so your initial guesses have to be pretty good in order for the regression to converge. When our data sets had 300+ data points, the fitting process was prohibitively slow, so we actually had to arbitrarily compress our data by deleting superfluous points. Also, for our five-parameter model, one of the parameters was consistently not optimized by nlinfit when all five-parameters were attempted to be fit simultaneously. So, we had to iteratively alternate between doing two-parameter and five-parameter fits in order to truly optimize all of the points. Our next task should be to write a script that does this automatically. But, the reward has been being able to apply a LaPlace space model to real-space data in an optimized, satisfying way. We'll be sure to update this post with a link to the code when it is published.

Prescience

2010-05-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

Minions and Minionmasters, revisited

2010-05-01T06:08:00.000-07:00

Sure, we've already covered that contemporary youth-oriented social networks are hierarchical and dichotomous. Minionmasters only do awesome shit, and minions aspire to receive their approval. But lately we've been noticing sub-par minion recruiting techniques done onto ourselves and others by some mid-level minionmasters. These minionmastering techniques have come off so transparent that we wonder, are we getting old and wise enough to percieve them in real-time or are these minionmasters we're encountering just bad at what they do? It's a little of both.

What are some of the half-assed minionmastering techniques we've encountered lately?

Acting Catty. If you aren't paying enough attention to the minionmaster, the minionmaster acts interested in you only to get you to act interested in them, and then leaves. For example: the minionmaster finally shows up to the party, and you don't immediately clock to him/her. The minionmaster sees your 'insolence', and raises you an 'acting insincerely interested in you'. The minionmaster insincerely acts interested in you until you are sufficiently engaged in the conversation. Perhaps you politely ask how things have been going for the minionmaster. At that point, the minionmaster abruptly leaves and does something else, something that is presumably more awesome than talking you, a lowly prospective minion.
Mocking you. Have you been acting a little too self-actaulized and confident? You know, like a normal person? Well, the minionmaster will be quick to rectify this by lightly mocking you. The way you talk, the expressions you use, etc, are all fair game. A pat on the top of your head might be employed so that you remember that the minionmaster is taller than you. You'd better take it all in with a nervous laugh to show the minionmaster that you are cool and unpretentious -- and while you're at it, try harder to impress the minionmaster. Disclaimer: trying harder to impress the minionmaster leads to more mocking.
Not Having Your Phone Number. Minionmasters don't ask their minions what they are doing or where they are. Minions call their masters and beg them to join in what they are doing. As such, minions aren't even worthy of an entry into their minionmaster's cell phone. Now, a good minionmaster has minions all around the city begging him/her to join them. So beg convincingly. Even if the minionmaster is actually at some lame club type place in midtown, it is cooler than what you are doing because that is where the minionmaster is.

So, a lot of minionmasters really suck these days. A good minionmaster effortlessly makes you their minion without you even knowing it! We tried to think of the greatest minionmasters of all time, but at this point could only think of three that are really tremendous. In chronological order:

Paul Gauguin. Gauguin was a stockbroker, but presumably did it ironically. When that got boring, he flaked out on his family and moved to Paris, later going on to successfully minionmaster talented, impressionable artists like Vincent van Gogh.
Neal Cassady. Supposedly a writer, Cassady successfully minionmastered all the major figures of the 'beat generation' as well as Ken Kesey and his band of Merry Pranksters. Outstanding. Alan Ginsburg's "Howl" is dedicated to him, and another one of his minions, Jack Kerouac, wrote entire books about how awesome he was. He even had his minions have sex with each other for his own amusement!
Jude Matthews. Matthews has minionmastered most of the hipsters in the greater New Orleans area. Erstwhile t-shirt moguls make tribute videos of him to post on their website. He is wistfully recalled by druggie sous chefs that hang out at The Saint. Have a marching band that is so ironic that it is actually more genuine than miller draft? Save the gong duties for Jude.

Those are some talented minionmasters. If you can think of more, please add them in the comments. But politicians, dictators, and religious figures don't count. Pretty much, just scenesters do.

Polacy: Proszę Jeść Fasolę Czerwoną (z Ryżem)

2010-04-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

Na okazję przyjęcia przyjaciół, chcieliśmy zgotować nasze ulubione danie w tamtym czasie: Fasola Czerwona i Ryż. To danie jest jedzone tradycyjnie w poniedziałek w Nowym Orleanie. Jednakże, Polacy na przyjęciu oglądali to danie podejrzliwie. Dziwiliśmy się dlaczego i wtedy nasz przyjaciel pochylił się nad nami i zwierzył się: "Polacy nie lubią fasoli". Byliśmy zaskoczeni ale przyjaciel ma rację. Książki kucharskie polskie tylko mają dwa albo trzy przepisy z fasolą. Chociaż istnieje wielki wybór zdrowej i smacznej fasoli, polskie sklepy spożywcze mają często tylko fasole małą i białą. Pojedynczo, Polacy twierdzą, że lubią fasolę, ale menu w restauracjach polskich sugerują inaczej. Dlaczego, napiszmy tu przepis na fasolę czerwoną z ryżem.

1 funt fasoli czerwonej suchej, przebrać i opłukać
0.5 funta golonki wędzonej (nieobowiązkowo)
3 liście laurowe
1 szczypta ziół suchych: (niekoniecznie)

pietruszka
bazylia
tarragon
majeranek
tymianek

Najlepiej gotować fasolę w garnku powolnego gotowan ia (we wolnowarze). Włóż fasolę, golonkę, liście laurowe i zioła w kuchence powolnej, i zalej woda. Gotuj osiem godzin. Fasolę można gotować naprzód.

1 pęto kiełbasy

1/3 pokroić w plastry
1/3 pokroić na połówki plastrów
1/3 pokroić na ćwiartki plastrów

1 papryka zielona posiekana
1 papryka czerwona posiekana
1 cebula średnia żółta posiekana
3 ząbki czosnku zmielone
5 selerów polonijnych w plastry
3 łyżki stołowe masła, tłuszczu,
albo (sic!) oleju roślinnego
sol i pieprz kajeński

Kiedy fasola jest ugotowana, najpierw podsmaż cebule na maśle albo tłuszczu aż stanie się półprzezroczysta. Wtedy, dodaj paprykę, czosnek i kiełbasę. Kiedy papryka zmięknie, dodaj selery. Kilka minut potem dodaj fasolę i podgrzej. Przypraw solą i pieprzem kajeńskim. Podawać na ryżu.

Welcome to the Jungle

2010-04-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

Butchering animals for a living used to be something you went to college to avoid, but in the up is down, PBR is table wine, "humanely raised = vegan" world of noveau-Williamsburgherlund, the dumbest generation ever has taken an unironic interest in the craft. But, "in this economy" you can only wish that you could butcher animals for a living. No, you will passionately butcher animals in your spare time, for free, for the profit of a profit-generating enterprise.

Sorry if this post is a bit servicey, we just wanted to pass along this great opportunity for those that already have two years of professional kitchen experience. You can now process carcasses for the bourgeois neighborhood institution known as "Marlow and Daughters" in the position of Unpaid Intern! Is this the nadir of DIY foodism? The nadir of unpaid interships?

A few years ago, one got an unpaid internship because one wanted to do something exclusive and "glamorous" like work in media, and had parents rich enough to set one up for a year or two while you got your foot in the door. The internships were unpaid because the jobs were so desirable that people would do them for free. Also, in this idyllic time, one moved to Williamsburgherlund to do something vaguely 'creative'. "Unglamorous" trades like butchery, silversmithing and the like, involved a subsistence-providing apprenticeship. In Soviet Brooklyn, you make charcuterie for ruler class and are lucky for privilege!

Usually, at this point the lazy blogger makes a lazy joke about the "hipsters/trustafarians" of Williamsburgherlund being lazy. After all, we've used one lazy, outdated meme already! But we're pretty sure that whatever person with such low self-worth that they take this 'job', already has an actual job that pays the bills. What day job does one have in which butchering pasture-raised livestock is a pleasant and fulfilling reprieve from the grind? A crime-scene cleaner? A fluffer at a dog and pony show? A corporate lawyer?

Buying Glasses Online

2010-02-21T16:06:00.000-08:00

photo by josh

Lately we've been sporting some clunky, thick-framed black glasses that would have been stylish in Hipsterville, oh 5-8 years ago. Luckily for us, this puts us right on the cutting edge of Engineeringdom. As a defense mechanism for coming off as some kind of hoity-toity downtown motherfucker, we postscript our responses to comments about them with "They were $40 online". It's a fact -- you can buy the same quality frames sold in stores easily for that much, including the lenses, coatings, and shipping. In this post we pass along our experiences on the subject.

If you want to buy glasses online, your first stop should be GlassyEyes, an absurdly well-maintained blog devoted to the subject. All of the reputable stores are listed, reviewed, and given discount codes here, and everything you need to know is compiled. So yeah, this post is pretty redundant given the wide array of info GlassyEyes provides. One of the 'tricky' things you have to do to buy glasses online is measure the distance between your pupils, which is helpfully explained here.

Another tricky thing is figuring out what frames will look good on you without trying them on. But when the glasses are so cheap you can obviously just buy a few pairs and wear the one that looks the best, reserving the others as backups. Our favorite frame was the Eta design from EyeBuyDirect, a style distressingly out of print. We even got them in prescription sunglass form, making the 30 daily minutes we are exposed to direct sunlight much less squinty. EyeBuyDirect, IOHO, has the best webpage design and most streamlined buying process.

We had more trouble buying glasses from Goggles4U, but our experience was ultimately a successful one. We correctly typed in our prescription into their purchase form, but received a pair that were not correct. (you shouldn't worry about unknowingly wearing the wrong prescription, because it is painfully obvious when you are) Goggles4U does not respond to emails, but we were able to get them on the phone (a drastic action for our phone-phobic generation). They told us to scan and email them the actual prescription and they would get back to us. They didn't get back to us, but when we called them again they were actually able to look up our email and sent us a new, correct pair free of charge.

Truth be told, our glasses are only about 70% as awesome as the $1200 pair we tried on at Morgenthal Frederics. But as long as we are not Masters of the Universe we might as well pay only $40 for a pair that would normally go for $200 in a store.

When The Pressure Is On, Just Shockey The World

2010-02-11T09:23:00.001-08:00

We bought plane tix to NOLA as soon as Garrett Hartley's kick went through the uprights and broke Brett Favre's ankle. Otherwise, we couldn't have looked ourselves in the mirror as Saints fans. Lucky enough to watch the game on a projection screen! with perfectly synced! audio in the French quarter!, we then hit Burbs drinking Modelos from Rouse's. It was an all-time great weekend, complete with ALL the faves: Central Grocery, Pho Tau Bay, Babylon, and Cafe Reconcile.

Want Wal-Mart To Steal Your Ideas?

2010-01-27T07:49:00.000-08:00

We remember in the early 2000s when the guitarist for Limp Bizkit quit and the search for a replacement took the form of open auditions in Guitar Centers across the country. Prospective Bizkits had to play original material, which was recorded, and sign an obligatory waiver. Not only did the shrewd Durst eschew all the contestants in favor of the "guy from Korn"-- as internet theorists claim -- he had an album's worth of riffs to steal without liability. In this spirit, we would like to publicize the 2010 Walmart Better Living Business Plan Challenge!

You -- yes you -- are invited to present the best business plan for sustainability to panels of Wal-Mart judges in a nationwide contest! By sustainability, Wal-Mart of course, means efficiency. And by efficiency, Wal-Mart of course, means saving money (their money). If you win you get $20,000, not to blow on hookers and cocaine, but your actual business idea. Wal-Mart won't be fronting the taxes on that 20K, so you'll need to have that much liquidity already. Like Durst, Wal-Mart reserves the right to not give any prize if no contestants are determined to be worthy.

While 20K would seem like a lot to the average Wal-Mart shopper, Wal-Mart is obviously one of the largest corporations in the world and 20K amounts to the spare change they scrape off their shoes. It is a paltry sum -- even web startups in which the founders keep their day jobs have to raise multiples of this amount. If someone had a good, profitable business plan, Venture Capital firms would be giving it hundreds of thousands of dollars, not tens. An efficient business practice for existing corporations could be patented and licensed for hundreds of thousands of dollars as well -- why in the world would anyone give these ideas to Wal-Mart for the slim chance at 20K?

Basically, Wal-Mart executives want to hear the best business ideas that the country's college students can think of, and won't even give the winner enough money to have a fair shot of realizing its potential. Meanwhile, Wal-Mart has its billions in capital on hand to actually enact any business plan it wants to. This doesn't pass the "smell test" by any means. In the rules Wal-Mart spells out exactly how they will screw you out of your ingenuity:

8. NO RECOURSE TO JUDICIAL OR OTHER PROCEDURES:

To the extent permitted by law, the rights to litigate, to seek injunctive relief or to make any other recourse to judicial or any other procedure in case of disputes or claims resulting from or in connection with this Challenge are hereby excluded, and any Team Member expressly waives any and all such rights. In the event that a court of competent jurisdiction finds the foregoing waiver unenforceable, Team Members hereby consent to the jurisdiction and venue residing exclusively within the federal or state courts in the state of Arkansas, United States and agree that any and all disputes, claims, and causes of action arising out of or connected with this Challenge or any prize awarded shall be resolved individually, without resort to any form of class action. Team Members agree that these Official Rules are governed by the laws of Arkansas.

Basically you waive the right to sue Wal-Mart for stealing your ideas, and even if you convince a court to hear your case, you have agreed that the case will be heard in an Arkansas court. Presumably in Arkansas, the courts are located in the front of the Super Wal-Mart, between the eyeglasses place and the returns area. Your court-appointed non-union lawyer makes minimum wage and no benefits, and if it is alright with you, would prefer to get back to checking receipts. You will lose this trial.

This contest is only open to university students un-savvy enough to donate their intellectual property for zero compensation. Here's our business plan -- if you actually have the kind of profit-generating idea that would win a contest -- don't give it to anyone that asks that you waive your rights for the privilege of pitching it.

Freestyle Chickpea and Sourmilk Bread

2010-01-17T19:42:00.000-08:00

Just about every type of food that can be dried and ground up is sold in flour form by Barry Farm. Using the buckwheat flour for pancakes has been a long-time love of ours, but we were a bit dumbfounded about how to use the chickpea flour we impulse bought. We've also been flipping through Wild Fermentation by Sandor Katz for tips on making home-fermented foods like Kim Chi. Rather than just listing recipes (we hate following recipes), Sandor takes the time to explain the basic frameworks behind everything. That way you are encouraged to improvise while still being assured of edible results. People may think of sourdough bread-baking as annoyingly exacting, but with the right strategy you can throw almost anything in and thus have fun while doing it.

We won't get into the details of making a sourdough starter; we simply mixed water, rye flour, and a bit of honey in beaker and shook it up. We added a package of dry beer yeast to kick start it, and it was ready after a few days at room temperature. Now that it lives in the fridge it only has to be fed once a week.

In a large mixing bowl we added two cups of wheat flour, one cup of chickpea flour, a cup of starter, a tsp. of honey and about a cup of milk to make the sponge. It has the consistency of pancake batter and starts bubbling after a few hours. We left it at room temperature for a day so that the milk and flour could ferment and add interesting flavors.

Then, it was time to make the dough. The trick is to slowly mix in enough flour (we used equal parts white and chickpea) so that the sponge takes on the texture of something you can knead without it sticking to everything crazily. The consistency was checked each time so that we didn't add too much flour and thus dry out our dough. We also added small amounts of salt and baking soda, and another dash of honey. Then we "pounded it out" on a cutting board like it was an attractive woman from the jersey shore. Basically, this involved pressing it down, folding it in half, and repeating that over and over. At times the dough started becoming sticky again so we just dusted everything with more flour.

At the end of the kneading the dough is no longer that sticky but not dry, and viscoelastic to the touch like those bizallin' memory foam mattresses. We had so much dough that we could make a loaf, plus some sandwich rolls. We didn't stress out too much over loaf forming techniques. As someone from The Wire might advise, "do what you feel". For giggles we coated the top with olive oil and caraway seeds.

It would probably be annoying to wait a few hours for the kneaded dough to rise, so we kickstarted the process. We heated the oven to 300 °F and then shut off the heat. Then, after covering all our embryonic breads with wet paper towels, we put them in the oven with the door propped open. As long as the towels stay damp they won't stick and and the breadtop won't develop a dry skin. This trick really accelerated the rising.

We then baked at 400 °F. The loaf finished in 40 minutes, the rolls in 25. The only disappointment was that none of the caraway seeds stuck to the bread. But overall the bread came out very tasty and not-bricklike. When working with microorganisms, they sometimes have a life of their own -- leading to some situations that the brahs over at the frathouse really laughed about:

Gawd, at least shut the door you crazy bread! We live here too!

The Pollanization of Uhmerica

2010-01-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

Last week we witnessed the great Poe-Lan address a Barnes and Nobles room chock-full of weirdos to promote his new novella. It's a crowdsourced compendium of common-sense commandments that can ruin your relationship with fat friends and family as a transparent and awkward gift. His original seven word edict (Eat Food Not Too Much Mostly Plants) was a bit too enigmatic, so he made like sixty rules of thumb that can be accompanied by smug chuckling. While it should really be a free pamphlet or series of blog posts, his publisher would much rather add in some light sketches of real food, and charge for it.

First, Poe-Lan is a really great speaker. He covered all his talking points economically, entertainingly, and seemingly without effort. He brought great energy and signed every book. His only intellectual misstep was to tout the sustainability of organic farming, which he had gone to great lengths in The Dilemma to convince us is really not more sustainable than industrial agriculture. In one part of his talk, he discussed how many of his previous guidelines had to be changed to combat the changes the food industry has implemented in response to his criticisms. In particular, he singled out "Three Ingredient Tostitos" and the celebration of cane sugar over high fructose corn syrup (HFCS).

Poe-Lan previously advised his followers not to consume products containing over five ingredients, which has caused some food manufacturers to *shockingly* make products with less than five ingredients, and to market that point aggressively. Case in point is the "Three Ingredient Tostitos", made of corn, oil, and salt, which Poe-Lan derided as "still ... chips". So, even if an industrially processed food is reformed to be Pollanesque, its original sin precludes it from being consumed by Pollanists. We, on the other hand, see the inroads of Pollanism in mainstream food culture as a good thing. We challenge the food blogosphere to purchase heritage corn kernels from a farmers market, grind them on their own artisanal stone wheel, treat the flour with limewater to make masa dough, press it, cook it, slice it, fry them in organic canola oil, and season them with crushed sea salt to produce tortilla chips that are suitable for Poe-Lan. In Poe-Lan's world it seems like its either that or disavowing chips -- and we can't picture living that life.

Poe-Lan also told his followers not to eat any product that contains HFCS, leading to consumer demand that has caused industrial food manufacturers to begin offering some products in versions containing cane sugar instead. Now, Poe-Lan doesn't think HFCS is any worse than other sugars, just that HFCS is an easy indicator of an overly processed, unfit food. Case in point is the offering of "Throwback Pepsi" made from cane sugar -- its still Pepsi, right?. But the allure of cane sugar is not the (nonexistent) health benefits, but the superior taste. Previously, if one wanted to drink a cola with the crisp and uncloying sweetness of cane sugar they had to shell out for bourgeois cola from an overpriced sandwich shop or for imported cola from a Mexican grocery. So we are excited about the return of the tastier cane sugar, still understanding that sweetness should be consumed sparingly. The food industry has begun to lobby for the bringing down of mind-numbingly stupid sugar tariffs against Brazil, thus weakening it's unholy destructive marriage to the Corn Trust and making real change to Uhmerica's farm policy more realistic.

Back when Poe-Lan Defended Food, he made some rules so that people could more easily live according to His plan. Consumer demand and the truth in his critique has resulted in industry introspection and co-option of parts of His message. This has made the quality of food the average person can attain begin to improve. We're not aware of any technology that has rejected industrialism; the economies of scale involved in mass food production are here to stay. The best we can hope for Uhmerica is that the offerings of the food industry can become better. Rather than greet the news of this achievement with smug chuckles from a bookstore (in the NIMBY-celeb shithole that is TriBeCa), Poe-Lan and his followers should be proud.

Just to Piss Off RockinnRetarded, Who Often Wistfully Fantasizes About Being the 4th Manning Brother

2010-01-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

After pissing the regular season away, and during the bye-week before the inevitable, glorious one-and-done, we have some time to discuss an issue that has been really nagging us: why is Archie Manning so revered?

In 2008, he was voted the second-best Saint of all time by fans, and is fondly remembered by sportswriters and broadcasters as a great quarterback unfortunately placed on historically bad teams. With such a horrible offensive line, its was downright miraculous that he threw for over 21,000 yds. during an 11 year career with the Saints. But was he really all that good at pro football? He should really be compared to the universally reviled Aaron Brooks.

Saints fans grew to detest Aaron Brooks because of his maddening play: he couldn't complete a clean 7 yard screen pass, but could throw 70 yd in-stride bombs with ease; in a crucial situation he was just as likely to fumble as he was to lead the game-winning drive. He was run out of town after the lost-Katrina season. But a sober asessment of these QBs needs to be statistically based.

In six seasons, AB the goat threw 120 touchdowns at a 1.4 per game clip while Archie the Great only had 115 (0.85 pg). They both had very high turnover rates: Archie's 1.62 pg (156 INTs!) narrowly edges Brooks's 1.68 pg (59 fumbles!). By any statistical measure we passingly glanced at, Aaron Brooks far bested or at least equaled Archie Manning. As the common wisdom goes Archie was doomed by a swiss-cheese offensive line, taking 2.54 sacks pg. But these excuses shouldn't excuse his play any more than they did David Carr's. Brooks still suffered 2.46 sacks pg even while being protected by the likes of Willie Roaf.

Then again, in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, statistics are for LOSERS. We all know that in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE the only stat that matters is the team's record. Well, Aaron Brooks went 38-44 in New Orleans as he led the team to its first playoff win in franchise history, while Archie Manning went 35-91-3 without nary a winning season. By the way, that is the worst record for any QB given the chance to play at least 100 games. As we state again, Aaron Brooks was run out of town while Archie Manning is thought of as one of the greatest in franchise history.

Maybe we are judging Archie unfairly because we never watched him actually play American Football. For some historical perspective, we asked someone who actually did watch him, our father(s). (T)he(y) replied, "Well, Archie was a great college player". There you have it. Archie Manning is beloved and overrated as a Saint simply because he excelled at a nearby college, beginning a trend that has been nobly upheld by Bobby Hebert and Jake Delhomme. He was a regional hero turned uptown all-star, while Aaron Brooks was a quiet outsider who never connected with fans on a personal level. As a Saint fan, we can only hope that the Bucs draft Tim Tebow and suck for 11 straight years, gifting us two division wins a season.

The slack given to Archie during his playing career has been extended. He's a dull local commentator who has never been properly criticized for his helicopter stunt on Eli's draft day -- forcing a trade by stating which teams his son would or would not sign with. While we don't necessarily have any problem with this, any other athlete (like, say Steve Francis) that does the same is resoundingly branded as an ungrateful, immature child and is never allowed to live the incident down. Meanwhile, regarding Eli, SI's Dr. Z had this to say at the time:

No quarterback ever took a worse beating over a prolonged period of time than Archie Manning did when he was with the Saints. Do you blame Archie for wanting to protect his kid from such a thing?

Burn, indeed. If we ever have a job involving media contact, we will be sure to learn a good-ole-boy accent so we can reap the same benefits of lowered expectations and inherent likeability that Archie, Brett Farve, and G. Dubya take to the bank every day. It is not that we dislike Archie, we just don't understand why the media and fans worship his actions and his playing career in a manner inconsistent with others that have done the same things. In the end, being a good father and husband beats being a great professional QB any day.

Complacency and the Infinite Blandness

2009-12-19T15:59:00.000-08:00

Just as the best jazz is no longer made in New Orleans, hip-hop became Uhmerica's dominant form of pop music by quickly outgrowing the bounds of its birthplace. But that hasn't stopped the East Coast Bias machine from cramming mediocre New York rap music into our ears at the first sign of competency. Case in point is the proclamation of Jay-Z as the "greatest rapper alive". Jay-Z is really the most agreeable rapper alive, elevating the innovations of others to mainstream status and reaching the widest audience possible.

Put it this way: if Jay-Z is the greatest rapper alive, Jay-Leno is the greatest talkshow host alive. Few have sold CDs like Jay-Z, and few have dominated ratings like Jay-Leno. But Jay-Z has never topped Illmatic and Jay-Leno isn't even funny. They both should have retired for real, and stayed that way. Sure, Jay-Z could continue to appear satisfyingly in Beyonce hits, and Jay-Leno could probably voice characters in Pixar movies. Instead they are subjecting us to inescapable dreck. While Jay-Leno's current crappiness is well documented, not enough has been said about how bad Jay-Z's latest single is.

First of all, he brags about living in the NIMBY-celeb shithole that is Tribeca, but still claims to be 'hood forever'. Yeah, and J-Lo is still Jenny from the block, we know. But he then assures us that indeed, he would often travel to 145 st., buy cocaine from Dominicans, and cook it up at home. Then we are hit by the chorus, full of so much saccharine cheerfulness that Christmas music seems comparatively palatable. We can think of another song that is much, much more representative of living in New York City. But which song will be played ad-nauseum at Yankees games? Jay-Z's New York is the one enjoyed by outsiders, and you know you are in a tourist bar when this song comes on. Nothing else brings Jersey kids to the dancefloor with such fury, and makes us leave after finishing our beer with such urgency.

Nobody Has Ever Told Us That We Couldn't Root For The Saints

2009-12-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

We weren't aware, but apparently there exists a country club that only extends membership to fans of H istorically Good professional football teams. In it, monacled Steelers and Cowboys fans clink chardonnay glasses as supporters of the Seahawks and the Panthers serve them hors d'oeuvres. Cheeseheads and Bears fans shoot a quick 18 holes as Chargers and Buffalo fans hand them drivers. When a Giants fan finishes their backstroke laps, a Ram diehard is there to hand them a towel. Bigotry is accepted within this country club, as long as your team is old, and at one point won a few Super Bowls. When a Historically Good team wins the Super Bowl, it is the rightful return to form of a storied franchise that re-affirms established hierarchies in the National Football League. When one of those flash in a pan teams with a crappy logo prevails, it is an aberration that hopefully won't repeat itself. These teams were never included so to actually win, but merely to serve as deserving losers, destined for a weekend at Six Flags rather than Disney Land. To those fans of Historically Good franchises who consider themselves members of this exclusive country club, we speak on behalf of all Saints fans in making these statements:

The "Who Dat" chant will remain the signature chant of the Saints. Like any song lyric, onomatopoeia, or exultation, a team chant will look asinine in message board or tweeted form. However, the "Who Dat" chant is really one of the best in professional sports. The J-E-T-S chant may be impressive for a typical concourse D meathead (as it demonstrates ability to spell and formulate basic words), but unfortunately it has the rhythmic creativity of a pendulum. Giants fans do not have a signature chant, preferring instead to check their Blackberries between plays.
The bragging will continue (see title). When a team has won less playoff games than other teams have rings, the fanbase can deservedly celebrate louder. Watching the Patriots beatdown Monday at Bar None, the only person that gave the token "guy in a Brahy-dy jersey" any shit was the token "Yankee behatted douche" who yelled "AY-teen and WAH-onne" on loop. You can trust us that bragging about the Saints will always be about Saints excellence, and not about being better than the Eagles.
You don't have to worry about Saints fans buying too many Shockey jerseys. While we can see him striking a chord within certain circles, the Saints actually have many players that are better than Jeremy Shockey and most fans will prefer to buy their jerseys. It is normal to experience adequacy issues whenever an ex-girlfriend or former star-turned-clubhouse-cancer goes on to flourish elsewhere. Rest assured, time ages all, and your desire for Jeremy Shockey schadenfreude will be fulfilled someday. Just not any time soon.
We will not attempt to "hype up" the "Katrina factor" more. Exploiting tragedy may help one get elected, but doesn't really help win football games. Most Saints fans would prefer to "hype up" the "Katrina factor" in order to secure a passable levee system, a school system that doesn't simply cherry pick the students it deems worth educating, and an affordable rental market, but hey, that's just us.
Saints fans will never have to remind anyone of the franchise's history to gain sympathy, because Bob Costas and everyone else from the country club will do that for us.
Saints fans are always gracious in defeat ... who do you take us for, Giants fans? We are perfectly cognizant of the fact that the moment we lose to a team with membership at the country club of the Historically Good we will be told how the Saints "were never for real" and lack "winning culture". Many times. In loud, regional accents. In ALL CAPS. So until that inevitability, we will ride the run to its peak. No Saints fan has ever feared a hangover, because we all know that the cure is a Superdome Bloody Mary.

It Was Our Duty To Please That Jury

2009-12-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

Long before Reality TV made it cool, the courts system has been shoving randomly-selected strangers into confined spaces and seeing "what would happen". However, since the results have always been unimaginably boring, jury duty has yet to be picked up by a network. In order to secure 8-12 unbiased souls to judge the fractures of society, hundreds must be assembled. But only a few will be needed as actual jurors. All in all, being on jury duty is like being a part of Gideon's army, where doing something as inconsequential as drinking water the wrong way will earn you an early trip home.

The best part of being on jury duty are the long lunch breaks and its proximity to Chinatown. Both days we indulged our eternal bánh mì craving at the Saigon Vietnamese Sandwich. Newly hip, the folks at SVS are enjoying a big uptick in business and are doubling the size of their storefront and doing some minor renovations. Besides the expected construction workers, the lunchtime crowd now also includes a steady stream of SoHo fasionistés with gold-rimmed aviators and crusty-eyed NYU wakënbakers that mutter 'wait, is this it?' as they slightly walk past their objective. The menu at SVS has been updated, but the standard pork special (#1) and tofu (#10) still reign supreme. The curry tofu (#12) is worth trying, but the lemongrass tofu (#11) and fish (#6) are not. We can agree with their billing as the best bánh mì place in town, but if they even want to gaze at the knees of NOLA masters like Pho Tau Bay they will have to stop using the ubiquitous NYC hoagie rolls sometimes and contract out some real Vietnamese baguettes.

Everyone in the jury room is warned that they will have to serve at least two days in the general pool, and possibly 1(one) trial. We were only taken into one potential juror room with 18 others. We had to fill out a questionnaire and answer questions asked by name-mispronouncing lawyers who had trouble differentiating between civil liability and criminal guilt. If you don't want to be selected to an actual trial (and you don't), the secret is to act like you have something better to do. Whenever you aren't being addressed, you should read a book with a title people don't understand. Then, only the retirees and civil servants will be selected for the trial, and you can go home. Both days we were let out from the general pool by 3:30, and now we will not have to return for at least 6 years.

Glorious, Odifourous Paper

2009-12-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

photo by josh

A lot of traditional-media ink has been spilt over the long-ago death of vinyl and its current plaid-clad life-support. Such large packaging and warm sound! Album art meant something, and our couch was like Roseanne's! Now, those who transmit profitlessly from our mothers' basements must find a new dying music medium to be irrationally nostalgic about. Take a guess! Here's a hint: you can cut them into guitar picks, or reflect sunlight to send messages in Morse code with them!

We still make a point of acquiring actual compact discs -- but now typically play them just the one time it takes to rip them to mp3 filez. Our mp3 player has yet to fill, and can go a week or so without playing the same song. We remember how crazy it was to have a CD player that could keep 3-6 discs on the ready. Being the late 90's, these devices had horrible aesthetics, could also play two cassette tapes, and made a robotic cacophony at every disc switch. The speakers were always these huge particleboard boxes designed to appear like a badass Hi-Fi speaker. But, if you ever peeled back the cheesecloth covering, they actually contained just a crappy clock-radio speaker, and the spot that looked like it would contain a tweeter was empty. Blah, blah, this puffed-up emptiness was actually symbolic of post-Kurt American culture, blah blah. However, they were cheap enough that they were acheivable birthday/christmas presents.

But we aren't actually nostalgic about the medium itself or even the machines that played them. Compact discs themselves are uninspiring and the players are inferior to the technology that replaced them (see above). However, one thing that binary code and cheap hard drives will never be able to replace is the scent that select CD packages contain. MP3s are odorless, and LPs just smell like old cardboard. But, depending on either the paper treatment or ink used, some CD packaging had a distictive aroma that would be enjoyed prior to loading them into the player. With apologies to the consistently fragrant offerings of Cryptogramophone, the best-smelling CD of all time, hands-down, was the Foo Fighters debut. Hot-damn that was good. If that smell would only be extracted and bottled so that we could wear it daily, we could wear those glasses, drink that beer, move to Portland, and devote an entire room to the CD collection. Four period-specific CD players would be positioned in this room, and we would show it off to dinner party friends until it had to be dismantled to make way for the kids room.

What do you think is the best smelling CD packaging? Please comment, we promise not to snark you.

We Were Thinking About Commenting On The Mayoral Elections

2009-11-03T17:33:00.000-08:00

But everything we would have pointed out has been written much better by someone else. Derek Jeter, you are no longer the most overrated New Yorker.

Just Your Standard Blue Screen of Death

2009-11-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

So, we were enjoying an evening of watching the Saints go to 7-0 on MNF, not by turning to ESPN -- but by clicking on sketchy Justin.tv links -- all while downloading torrents from Mininova -- when everything shuts down and goes into an endless reboot cycle.
Even though we use Norton Antivirus and Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware simultaneously, our first thoughts went to viruses. At the very least, we mentally prepared to pay hundreds in repair costs. Choosing to reboot in Safe Mode, all drivers load until a "Press ESC to skip SPTD.sys" prompt appears. No matter what is pressed, the endless reboot cycle continues.

Another startup option for our Lenovo T61 is the ThinkVantage Rescue and Recovery module, a Linuxy OS that you can run when Windows will not. With the visuals of a drunken Windows 95, this program allows you to back up your files, diagnose hardware problems, and even open an Opera browser. However, deleting files is not straightforward with this program. Even though the hardware diagnostics indicated that the SMBIOS was not functional (whatever that means) lots of online advice indicated removing SPTD.sys was the right move. SPTD.sys is a driver associated with Daemon tools, a great program for loading CD image files. We've ran the program for years with no problems, but some info online indicates this file is troublesome at times.

We were able to delete the offending file by using the file back up utility -- which before starting the backup gives you an option to delete whatever files you want. After doing this, Windows was able to start up normally, even if we get the feeling we are living on borrowed time.

Bacon is More Played Out Than The Bomb Squad's Copy of Funky Drummer

2009-10-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

Foodieism has taken this country by the chokehold, with a full-fledged TV network, magazines, and multitudes of blogs devoted to it. And this culture has come to one crystal-clear conclusion:
Bacon is tasty. We know this is shocking news; that cured and smoked porkfat is delicious must shake you to your very core. We remember when we were told of this we were as surprised as a coma patient waking up in the midst of a G.W. presidency. But this is the truth -- and to embrace our inner foodie we need to incorporate bacon into as many pre-existing foods as possible.

Now, you can't just throw bacon into a chocolate bar and sell it as is. You have to act like this is just a simply crazy combination that took a lot of imagination -- but that actually the smoky and savory aspects of bacon really complement the flavor profile of the pre-existing food. I mean c'mon brah, its bacon! Not just to complement eggs, collards, and baked potatoes anymore, bacon is in salt, bread pudding, cupcakes, blogs, ice cream, etc. Even if you've been using bacon in something for years under the radar, somebody is bound to publicize it so that people in Brooklyn and Portland may try it.

Yeah we get it. Yes, adding bacon adds another flavor dimension to just about anything, but please spare us the pretension and tongue-in-cheek irony next time you baconistés add this cliched ingredient. It's a cheap thrill, not culinary genius. Every time we hear this spiel we are reminded of the Red Hot Chili Peppers self-congratulating (scroll up to about 5:20) about how wearing nothing but tube socks during one performance was artistic, added an element of danger, and embodied the classical symbol of phallic expression. In fact, they are a frat-rock band and pretty much any band who unexpectedly strips down during a show will put on a more entertaining performance. They aren't the first band to utilize such antics, and any 'chef' to rely on this overused umami crutch is about as creative as a Chinese take-out place adding MSG.

Dr. Oz Should Be Held Liable For His Resveratrol Shilling

2009-10-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

From the same nationwide talent search that brought us Dr. Phil, Oprah has introduced us to Dr. Oz. His bits follow two formulas: a 'gross-out' in which he squishes goo out of diseased organs, and an energetic summary of the New York Times Health Section.
For him, one study done on mice that produces headline-grabbing results is reason enough to effusively praise it on shows widely watched by people without the means or education to critically judge its value. If this self-appointed "America's Doctor" (F. U. 'Surgeon General') had his way, we would jump from supplement fad to supplement fad at the drop of an NIH grant. In fact, because of a study done on mice, Dr. Oz would like you to know that he has personally found the cure to aging -- and you can follow the sound of his panpipes to the magical world of unregulated resveratrol supplements.

Yes, Resveratrol! I know it sounds crazy, but it turns out that a component of red wine has been proven to simulate the well-known benefits of a low-calorie diet. Ninety-nine is the new Fifty, and we're all going to live forever. Now, I wouldn't recommend you drink more than one glass of wine a day, [forced chuckling] so the only way to get the right amount of resveratrol is to take it in pill form. I have to say at this point that we have no idea what the long-term effects of large doses of resveratrol in humans actually are, buuuuuuut .... if you want to be safe and start taking it before any clinical study has been completed, 500 mg is what you should start out with.

What the bad Dr. Oz neglected to mention, is that no reputable resveratrol supplement is commercially available. In summary, Dr. Oz recommended that everyone should buy a product that doesn't exist in order to receive a benefit with absolutely no proven existence. In the wake of his convincing hackery, a zillion banner-ad internet companies put red paint powder and who knows what else into a capsule and called it resveratrol. You can get 30 pills of these a month for only 20$ + S&H!

Dr. Oz is outraged by this! OUTRAGED! He didn't want anyone to actually start taking resveratrol -- he just wanted his own syndicated buffoon show! His suing of the internet hydra won't do anything to stop people from getting scammed in His Image, but it will help rehabilitate His Image. Rather than 'the media' talking about the real story (that Dr. Oz is a quack trading in his credentials for celebrity) he's been able to change the conversation to one much kinder (poor Dr. Oz is the victim of internet criminals).

Let's face it -- nobody is going to get their own show talking about lifestyle improvements that have actually been proven (eating right, being active). Shilling for magic-pills that cure all and don't actually exist is a lot more entertaining. However, to do so under the guise of board-certified medical legitimacy is professionally and ethically wrong -- and he should be held partly responsible for the fraud that he enabled.

You Can Sanitize Our Cold Dead Bodies

2009-10-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

In the late 1990's it was realized that smelly goop could be sold to germophobe suburbanites. Immediately thousands of already healthy people began spreading hand-sanitizer all over their hands and letting it dry in ambient air several times a day. One of our worst memories of high school is remembering the same girl rubbing in the foul, acrid gel every English class, without fail. After all, its not clinically obsessive/compulsive if everyone does it, right?

The appeal of hand sanitizers centers on fears of germs coating every surface in world, free to attack our defenseless bodies and make us sick. With swine flu panic, suburban people are sure to apply a thin layer of Purell up to their elbows five times a day; the ritual becoming a repurposed Adhan in the name of the god better safe than sorry and directed towards the holy city of I like buying things I don't need. This trend belies two important facts: the vast majority of humanity has an "internal immune system" in which one's own body! resists and fights infection, and that hand sanitizers smell like the inside of a 3-week-old rancid condom and annoy everyone around.

While the second point is self-evident, the first deserves some discussion. Humans evolved from times in which hand sanitizer did not exist, yet managed to survive into this decade by possessing the ability to not get sick. For instance, the entire staff of Das Bloggy Blog touches many surfaces in New York City like subway poles, hand rails, elevator buttons, etc, that are no doubt coated with an invisible layer of rat blood, roach shit, and santorum. Despite this, we only get a cold once or twice a year.

At fault, really, are the shortsighted Medical Professionals who recommend H.S. to the greater populace under the simple principle that it lowers the risk of getting sick a little. Given that Doctors work in museums of disease and regularly thrust their hands into the orifices of others, it is probably a good thing that they are focused on the slaying of 99.9% bacteria. But for the average peon both the exposure and stakes are much lower. Some believe that the rise of mysterious auto-immune disorders may be linked to humanity's increasingly super-clean existence; that the idle hands of our immune systems may 'go rogue' when given no windmills to charge. (This will likely never be proven or disproven)

Food for thought: hand sanitizers don't kill viruses like swine flu (only bacteria), aren't a substitute for hand-washing, and are rendered useless the second you touch something else. So why not simply keep your hands out of your mouth, and stop worrying so much? Save the Howard Hughes routine for when you actually have a compromised immune system.

At HCC, It Is Important That You Answer the 'Optional' Ethnicity Question

2009-10-03T17:25:00.000-07:00

While its no Polish Microsoft webpage, Houston Community College has some race-optimized advertising (ROA) for you.
Are you a red-blooded, Lou-Dobbs-approved AMERICAN!? Then, HCC wants you to know that HCC is a great stepping stone to the 4-year school of your choice. Yup, after two years looking at propellers at HCC, it will be non-stop keggers and shape-shifting T-shirts for you.

But if you favor Spanish-language television, HCC has much different plans for you. Don't worry about this so-called 'university' business -- HCC is affordable, so do what you want! That is, as long as what you want is a blue collar city infrastructure service job. (A lucky few may be allowed to play a Fender Stratocaster)

So, You're Thinking About Going to Douche School

2009-09-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

Every year thousands of university seniors are asked the same nagging question with increasing frequency as commencement approaches: "What are you going to do when you graduate?"
Without a firm answer, their thoughts inevitably drift towards douche school. Douche school offers college seniors the chance to keep fucking about aimlessly while still giving the image (to parents, peers, and their own psyche) of one who is continuing to achieve. The application process to douche school is surprisingly straightforward -- considering that a douche degree costs about $120,000, many, many spots are open in the country's top douche schools. And, whenever your friends ask you do something that you don't really feel like doing, instead of being a human being and just saying no, you can answer that you need to study for the DSATs that you are retaking again in three months in the hope of doing five points better. After all, acting like a douche probably shows initiative and helps one get into douche school.

People are still eager to sign up for douche school even when they assure themselves that they don't want to be an actual 'douche', per se. They tell themselves that a douche degree is actually very versatile and will open lots of new career paths -- non-profit administration, entrepreneurship, public policy creation, etc. Lets be crystal clear here. The vast majority of douche school graduates have no other choice than to accept the occupation of douche. This seems obvious - it is douche school after all - but so many prospective douches are lured to douche school with the fantasy of using the legitimacy of a douche degree to get a 'cool' job. After three years of douche school most students are so weighed down by debt that the only way they can hope to pay it off is to become a douche -- usually a corporate douche or an associate at a douche firm. Even by the time the loans have been repaid, the douche has gotten so used to the trappings of douchedom and has accumulated new debt (mortgage, Beamer, kids) that lifelong doucherry is assured. Instead of that self-promised career in social justice, the douche has become The Man, and is now filled with guilt instead of pleasant nostalgia whenever a once-beloved RAtM song comes on classic rock radio.

Even after douche school, douches get one last summer of fucking about aimlessly under the guise of studying for the D-Bag exam. Apparently three years of douche school isn't enough to be formally accepted into the ranks of douches. Researchers still don't know if douche school simply brings out the inherent doucheiness in its students or actually enforces it upon them by rote learning -- but the end result is inescapable. The best advice we can give to those already in douche school is to remain childless so that you can at least break free once your loans are repaid -- then you can go to culinary school, start a small business, or become a writer. Hopefully the New York Times will quote you for a trendpiece about douches abandoning doucherry for a career in something they actually enjoy doing, and could have done all along without a douche degree. For those lucky enough to not to enrolled in douche school already, DBB advises you to just fuck around aimlessly with a job that pays the bills and concerns your parents. You won't go into soul-crushing debt, and when you finally figure out what you enjoy doing for a living you will actually be in a position to do it. Or you could go to nerd school, where you won't accumulate debt. Only go to douche school if you want to be a douche. That is the only thing it is good for. For those in this catagory, by all means, please, douche away ....

At Home With The Failbox 360

2009-09-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

The Microsoft XBox 360 is the most unreliable gaming system(30-50%), plaguing users with the Red Ring Of Death, scratched discs, poor license transfers, and many more maladies we aren't temporally aware of. So why in the world would Das Bloggy Blog buy one?

Well, in addition to playing The Orange Box, it streams video files from your computer to your TV. We'll say this again: movies on your hard drive can be played via your wireless network. Wow. This means less time watching the fucking Food Network and hearing Marc Summers intonate dumb shit like it is genius. We set this up on our roommates' launch-age 360 and it worked great for years. The connection would sometimes go out momentarily when the computer you were streaming from was also downloading -- but on the whole it was awesome. When our roommates were awarded primary custody of the 360 at the divorce hearings, we decided to buy our own so we could continue this. We even made sure to buy our 360s from a retailer known to be shipping Jasper-chip equipped consoles.

We haven't gotten the RRoD -- but we are having an epic failure trying to use the 360 for the purpose of which we bought it. Out of the box we were streaming in less than an hour, but the next day we were foiled by a persistent Status Code: 53-C00DF238. Lots of other people also have this problem, but there is no clear solution, and none of the proposed ones work. The only way we've been able to get around it is to remove the 'optional media update' that enables DivX and XVid playback, reset both the console and computer, then reinstall the 'optional media update'. However, the next day, we are back to Status Code: 53-C00DF238.

XBox email support has been very helpful, telling us to make sure that our computers are on and running media sharing software. Thanks a million, guys. We're not sure calling CS and getting a ticket started is the best thing to do for an otherwise-functioning unit -- not much good comes out of the repair-service wormhole. So for now, we're watching Iron Chef, and yes, we've already seen it and the iron chef wins this one.

Rick'nBeebs -- An Unrequited, Long-Distance Bromance

2009-09-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

The Next Human Genome That Should Be Sequenced

2009-08-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Between Craig Venter, Stephen Quake, and James Watson, the list of humans who have had their genome sequenced is short, and is focused on those who lead genome sequencing research. However, a long-term goal of genome sequencing is to identify sequence/function relationships so that we may one day achieve a Gattaca-esque dystopia -- where specific genome sequences with positive functions are built into embryonic DNA to create a race of homosapien 2.0 supersoldiers. The only real question is if the good guy will be a breakaway supersoldier, or an obsolete human castoff. At this rate, based on our current sequencing trends, our "improved" bio-successors will instead be a race of ego-maniacal, hyper-intelligent, creepy biochemists. And we ALL know, that in the future, feeble, hyper-intelligent biochemists will be slaughtered by their own cyborgs.

Obviously, one of the greatest adaptations that we can immediately make to the human genome is to adapt it to the so-called "Western Diet" -- processed foods laden with sugars and omega-6 oils that cause accelerated decrepitude in mere 1.0 humanity. Since going back to "traditional" diets would take too much damn time and effort, altering our genome to accept industrial foods is the next logical step in evolution.

After painstaking documentation, we at Das Bloggy Blog have identified one Paula Deen, whose genome obviously holds the missing link for advancement. Each and every televised show is a demonstration of superhuman capacity to eat foods that induce diabetes and heart disease in the weak-hearted populace. Be witness to her casual construction of the Luther, a sandwich apparently named after the celebrity that it killed! Paula Deen eats things like this often, and yet, is still alive. Sure, she carries a few extra pounds of battle-weight from her feats, but she is far from the half-ton shut in that this diet normally produces. Benefiting from her genes, her sons have obviously grown stronger with time on the overly-salted food from their namesake restaurant.

So, selfish genome sequencers! Stop looking in the mirror and start looking to the future! All this "eat junk food and lose weight" spam we've been clicking on doesn't work!

In Attack of In Defense of Food

2009-08-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

We finally got around to reading Micheal Pollan's dietary blueprint, In Defense of Food. Its simple guideline of "Eat Food. Not Too Much. Mostly Plants." rolls off the tongues of bloggers and message board responders as easy as '1st!' does from the keyboard of blog commenters. However, a cognitive dissonance and poor logic arguments exist in the later sections of the book.

The first section is a complete and nuanced takedown of the failure of nutritional science to prevent lethal diseases such as heart failure, diabetes, and cancer. From the low-fat craze of the 80's to the low-carb cult of the 00's, Poe-Lan points out that all nutritional recommendations based on separating 'good' nutrients from 'bad' ones will invariably leave humans deficient in one nutrient or combination thereof that nutritionism has so far not yet identified (No, the missing nutrient is not Love). Thankfully skipping over the overrated High-Angst diet of the 90s, Poe-Lan postulates that any reductionist nutritional approach is doomed to failure since none will ever be able to capture the complexity of an omnivore's needs. The conclusions of nutritional science become quickly appropriated in order to legitimize the same industrial, processed food that is killing us and thus must be disregarded.

In the second section, Poe-Lan advocates returning to the food culture and traditions of our great-grandparents and uses recent findings in nutritional science to support his directive. Haugh? We thought nutritionism and reductionist science was meritless! No, the great Poe-Lan argues that the shortcomings of the industrial, Western Diet can be attributed to a lack of natural, plant-based antioxidants, too much omega-6 oils, and too little omega-3 oils. Bending the trendy nutritional zeitgiest to his ends muddles the Word of Poe-Lan, and comes way too close to "Dr. Oz shilling for resveratrol on Oprah" territory for our tastes. His continuous linking of diet to cancer is similarly troubling. For spending almost the complete second third of the book reneging on the first third, Poe-Lan offers this limp apology:

You've no doubt noticed that much of the nutrition science I've presented here qualifies as reductionist science, focusing as it does on individual nutrients (such as certain fats or carbohydrates or antioxidants) rather than on whole foods or dietary patterns. Guilty.

Eesh. What follows in the third section is lots of fine print and qualifications on his initial 7-word thesis statement. We're sure following it would lead to a healthy diet, but the time and effort involved in living it would surely suck up all the free time you formally enjoyed doing things you liked. Good luck watching that pretentious foreign film you got from Netflix when you are too busy hunting boar and chantrelles. Say goodbye to sleeping in on the weekends because you need to get to the farmer's market before it closes. Those afternoons you spent socializing, playing basketball, or frivolously blogging will now be devoted to washing and cooking CSA turnip greens for the 7th week in a row. (Note, a Pollanesque meal was cooked while frivolously blogging this post)

A central point in Poe-Lan's argument is that both humanity and food tradition have coevolved to infallible levels because of their continued existence -- processed soy foods like tofu are safe while TVP is not because Asians have eaten tofu for centuries, while the lifespan of crackpot bloggers is unclear. However, Poe-Lan posits that humanity will never adapt to the Western industrial diet because its ill effects of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer are not experienced until after the childbearing years. But by that logic, which seems to overestimate the speed of evolution, traditional diets would not have evolved to promote longetivity but childbearing ability. And who has time for childbearing when the garden needs to be weeded?

Worst. TV. Show. Ever.

2009-08-07T19:58:00.000-07:00

With the best of intentions come the most spectacular of train crashes, and in this spirit we will speak of our unfortunate life-portion lost to watching PBS's Spain: On The Road Again. While a show about the great culinary traditions of Spain seems like a no-brainer, leave it to this unlikely pack of entitled, pampered narcissists to overshare worse than a 17 year old LiveJournaler without leaving behind nary a scrap of actual substance. It's hard to tell where to start a systematic takedown of this show, as we've seen episodes of Laguna Beach that have killed less of our brain cells. We'd better go character by character.

Most of the camera time is devoted to Iron Guy Comic Chef Mario Batali, who does his absolute best to perpetuate American stereotypes abroad. Why use a convenient and fast national rail system when you can just jet from resort villa to beach villa in your Beamer? Be-Croced and baseball capped, Mario is driven around Madrid while authoritatively instructing an actual Spaniard on quality of the architecture. "Spain does the modern thing really well", he declares as if it were an original thought, "Calatrava kind of dragged them into it."

A great actress indeed to appear impressed by this condescending babble, Claudia refrains from slamming El Beamer into El Prado. If there is any sure way to make everyone at a dinner party hate you, it is to act like you posses architectural taste. Mario is quick to proclaim that this is a Road Trip (in a poorly-conceived, cringe-inducing catchphrase attempt) "where chicks stay the chicks and the dudes stay the dudes." Is this in reference to previous Road Trips undertaken by Mario in which cross-dressing was prevalent? Or is he simply reinforcing and celebrating conventional gender roles? Well, since Claudia does all the driving, we can only assume that his past road trips involved much shower crying.

Slumming it on this outing is A-minus actress Gwyneth Paltrow, who plays the role of G.P., a vulnerable bag of jamon-fearing neuroses. Her purpose on the show seems to be to complain that some of the food contains Jamon, and cannot be eaten by her. Hubby-hub Chris Martin doesn't make the trip because he has no reason to feel threatened by the ladykilling duo of Batali and Bit-Man.

Yes, that Bit-Man, also known as the po-man's Poe-Lan, who apparently can give entire speeches like this without shame. Please tell us, Bit-Man, what is the carbon foot-print of driving around Spain in a never ending calatravalcade of food-orgy? It is sad, that on a network already giving us Rick Steves, and in a country with great tourism value, this example of edutainment claims that the best way to experience Spain is to spend as much money as possible. That may be true, when both the cost of the trip and the painful cost of watching it is shouldered by Viewers Like You.

The Future Will Be Full of Disgusting Cross-Contaminated Beverages

2009-08-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

Recently The Consumerist had a fawning post about a new Coca Cola fountain beverage dispenser that has more than 100 flavors. We on the other hand were horrified. There is a lot to dislike here -- the slow touch screen interface sure to confound the technologically challenged, the loss of the time-honored childhood tradition of combining multiple flavors, the Skynet-esque computer ubiquity...

No, we are horrified that these 100 flavors all come out of the same dispenser cone. Thus, when you get your diet Sprite it will come out still tasting like the Orange Fanta or Monster Energy Beverage the person before you got. Gross. We are getting flashbacks to the last time we got a milkshake at Burger King and it had tiny pieces of strawberry flavor in it from previous orders. Able to previously subsist, shake-wise, on Wendy's Frosties -- we have now been informed that even this earthly pleasure is off-limits. Not content to spin the Frosty into crappy Blizzard rip-offs, Wendy has gone and perverted the simple Frosty into liquidy strawberry form. In this case, Mr. Costanza, all the pipes going to the same place is a bad thing.

We suppose this is simply a sign from the great Poe-Lan in the sky that our boycott of some forms of industrial foods should be extended. Keep note, that in the future we will all sequentially insert a communal feeding tube into our mouth, and after the brain scan, the turkey sandwich you were thinking of will come shooting through in pre-chewed form ... tasting like the Orange Fanta the person before you thought of.

Introducing THE BROOKLYN BKLYN

2009-06-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

We haven't posted here at DBB for awhile because we've been working on introducing our first commercial venture, THE BROOKLYN BKLYN. What is THE BROOKLYN BKLYN? It is the most Brooklyn thing Brooklyn has ever Brooklyned. Let us put it this way: we know the high rise developers are trying to turn Brooklyn into Anywhere U.S.A, full of Starbucks and Subways when you can just go to the deli and get a fucking tamale. And we know that trust fund posers are ruining the Brooklyn vibe that made Brooklyn what it is: a style that lazy Urban Outfitters designers can rip off and sell worldwide to people who didn't like high school. What happens when those very people graduate college, move to Brooklyn, and still wear clothes from Urban Outfitters? What will the Urban Outfitters designers design then? Have you ever watched a snake eat itself?!?

This is the marketplace that calls for THE BROOKLYN BKLYN and will help it succeed. THE BROOKLYN BKLYN will only appeal to real Brooklyn people, and the real Brooklynites will know that THE BROOKLYN BKLYN is a truly authentic Brooklyn experience because it has the word Brooklyn in the title. Things in Brooklyn with the word Brooklyn in the title are always awesome and much better than non-Brooklyn branded alternatives. Having the word Brooklyn twice means THE BROOKLYN BKLYN will be even more awesome and authentically Brooklyn than all of the previous businesses in Brooklyn with the word Brooklyn in the title.

You may ask, "What will THE BROOKLYN BKLYN sell? Is it a bar/cafe with a vegan friendly, Asian-fusion menu or a store that would have messenger bags, fixed-gear bikes, hoodies and the like?" However, we may also snidely reply that "THE BROOKLYN BKLYN is more of an authentic lifestyle than simply a place to spend money. And if you didn't know that, then we suggest you check out the Urban Outfitters in the Village. We hear they have some leggings there". We will also be sure to tell you how much the thing you just bought sucks, and express pleasure that the offensive item is leaving the premises with you.

The flagship THE BROOKLYN BKLYN will be located in Williamsgarden Bushslope so that it is in convenient walking distance for all real Brooklynarians. We pay all of our employees a living wage so go ahead and shop at some corporation if want the true character of your neighborhood to bleed away. Everything at THE BROOKLYN BKLYN was designed and made in Brooklyn from components that originated in Brooklyn. One time a unit from somewhere else got into our production and we had to donate the entire batch to the shelter. Some may call this counterproductive, but we think the true Brooklyntonians will appreciate our artisan attention to detail.

How to Defeat United Airlines' Kiosk Lies

2009-05-14T15:56:00.001-07:00

We had a flight today going from LaGuardia to New Orleans, with a connection in Chicago. Upon our check-in, we were told that the flight had been delayed and I would miss my connection. The only available flight was one that connected in Denver, and took 11 hours to complete. A glance at the agent counter revealed an unmoving line full of frowny faces in the same situation as ourselves. So as to not get completely stranded, we accepted the Denver tickets and made our way back home. Of course, a simple Orbitz search showed many other United flights with much less Sisyphean connections. Changing our flight to one with a short layover in Philly, Charlotte, or DC should be taken care of by a simple phone call, right? Well, it did just take a phone call, but it was far from simple.

United Airlines customer service will do the right thing if you are persistent, but will throw many obstacles in your way to try to make you give up. The first obstacle is phone tree in which it difficult to talk to an actual person. It said the confirmation number we entered was incorrect and finally put us through to somebody.

The biggest obstacle is the first level of customer service, which tries very hard to get you to give up, and may actually not have any real authority whatsoever. For our situation, we were told that we couldn't change the tickets since we already accepted the Denver ones, and that even if we were to talk to a supervisor we would be told the same thing. We replied that they are perfectly able to cancel the Denver tickets and change them to any one of four United flights we listed. We only took the Denver tickets because the kiosk said it was the only available flight; since this was dishonest, we wanted to change them to a flight that didn't involve traversing the fucking intercontinental divide. If this agent was not authorized to make this change, we would like to speak to a supervisor who could.

Then we were transferred to a supervisor who simply changed the flight. It would have been easy to give up after the first denial -- but the 5 hours of our life we just got back makes the gymnastics very much worth it. If you are dealing with United, you should keep in mind that the first level of customer service is just there to try to make you give up. Have confidence that you are right, and come informed with the flight numbers of alternative connections so that they can not continue the kiosk lies.

Co-opted Pagan Holidays are the Best

2009-04-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

How was your Easter Monday? Dry? Did family members simply greet you instead of inviting you outside to see your water bottle? No water bucket traps set on top of doors, right? What's that? You didn't get thrown in a pond? In Poland, Easter Monday is celebrated as śmingus-dyngus, a day where it is OK to throw water on anybody, as if to cleanse the very shame of humanity from them. Or, because it is fun. We tried to find the quintessential Dyngus video on what the kids these days call The You-Tube, but really they are all the same blurry, forced motions involved in any family holiday.

Breaking Down the New Orleans Email SCANDAL

2009-03-21T00:45:00.000-07:00

As we constantly refresh NOLA.com, looking for the stories that will have the most outlandishly racist comments, stories about some sort of email scandal within the city government kept showing up. Email? Haugh? Now, I'm not a member, but does that have something to do with the Whole Food?

Inside jokes aside, at first this looked too boring to read about, but after enough repetition we finally gave in and read enough to understand this tedious scandal. Since you have a life, we will simply give you the gist of it:

Stacy Head, known in some circles as a City Council member and in others as the recipient of the 2006 Mitch Landrieu consolation prize, wants to score as many easy political points as possible before losing re-election and running for a statewide office that a majority of white people vote for. So at a city council meeting she accuses Sanitation Director Veronica White of not sharing every address receiving sanitation service, even though she totally asked for it a bunch of times before. In the parlance of The Wire, this is known as "pulling a Carcetti". Veronica White says that she didn't and after having her job threatened without any good comebacks, leaves in a huff.
What could possibly get to the bottom of whether Stacy Head had asked for list before or not? Email! Enter Tracie Washington, activist lawyer, rabble-rouser, citizen journalist, provocateur, ironic Bill Jefferson-supporter, who puts in a public record request for emails sent by city council members, but not all of them:
After all, her request did not apply to the three black members of the New Orleans City Council, only to their four white counterparts. Likewise, she sought the e-mails of the highest-ranking white member of the recovery office, Jeff Thomas, but not his boss, Ed Blakely, who is black.
Washington declines to directly say why she sought only white council members' e-mails. That's "beside the point, " she said.
Veronica White cuts through all the bureaucratic red-tape, and goes above and beyond her duties as Sanitation Director. She personally goes straight to the IT department, gets the requested emails, and sends them to Washington. Logic may indicate that she wouldn't be so quick to fulfill this request unless she thought something incriminating would be in them, or maybe she is just still angry. Washington wants to put them online for the sake of government transparency, and totally has a Xerox machine that can scan to .pdf really fast ready to go. But then then some bureaucrat shows up and tells her she can't release them yet.
Nagin who has likely been under federal corruption investigation since Katrina, without nary a Pampy uncovered, isn't corrupt. But nobody likes having their email read by strangers, and seeing the writing on the wall he pre-emptively deletes all of his old email. Everyone has a new reason to hate on him all over again. We're guessing his day-to-day life is depressing like a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode lately. Another term as Mayor and he could probably give Joe Lieberman a run for his money in a Droopy Dog contest.

Leaked! -- The REAL Bobby Jindal Speech THEY Didn't Want YOU to Hear

2009-02-28T16:02:00.000-08:00

Good evening, and happy Mardi Gras. I'm Bobby Jindal, governor of Louisiana.

Tonight, we've witnessed a great moment in the history of our republic. In the very chamber where Congress once voted to abolish slavery, our first African-American president stepped forward to address the state of our union.

I was also at one time a skinny kid with a funny name, so I grew up and made everyone call me Bobby. Like the tribal armband tattoo I got in the late '90s, it made sense at the time. I would have kept my real name if I had known it would become such a trendy political asset.

As I -- as a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my dad. Growing up in India, he had seen extreme poverty. If he could win a televised game show through pure pluck and destiny, find love with the girl of his dreams, all to the catchy, post-hip hop beats of M.I.A., then surely any American that desires to can as well. Americans have so many advantages not afforded to fictional characters, such as reality. As we walked through the aisles, looking at the endless variety on the shelves, he would tell me, "Bobby, Americans are able to exist, while improbable fantasies can only win lots of Oscars."
Let me tell you a story. During Katrina, I visited Sheriff Harry Lee, a Democrat and a good friend of mine. When I walk into his makeshift office, I had never seen him so angry. He was literally yelling into the phone. "Well, I'm the sheriff, and if you don't like it, you can come and arrest me." I asked him, "Sheriff, what's got you so mad?"

He told me that Gretna Police had commandeered the last dry school buses in Algiers Point to evacuate some Chalmatians brought to the ferry landing by barge. But then some people trapped at the Convention Center heard about that and tried to walk there rather than wait on the federal government. So the good Police Chief rounded up his best officers and blockaded the bridge, and prepared to shoot anyone who tried to cross. The guns were all loaded up and ready to go. And then some bureaucrat showed up and told him they couldn't shoot people outside of their jurisdiction.

And I told him, "Sheriff, that's ridiculous. What happens during Katrina stays during Katrina. There won't be any repercussions for any of us." Before I knew it, he was yelling in the phone. "Congressman Jindal's here, and he says you can come and arrest him, too." Well, Harry just told those officers to fire over their heads first and scare them back into the flood zone.

There's a lesson in this experience: The strength of America is not found in our government. It is found in the vindictive hearts and the enterprising greed of our citizens. That's why Republicans put forward plans to lower income tax rates so that the well off could continue to needlessly buy consumer products designed and manufactured in Asia and later pass their accumulated wealth down to their entitled children.

While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $140 million for something called volcano monitoring. Our plan does away with pork like "monitoring for foreseeable natural disasters". We appreciate the spontaneity of a hurricane or shower of hot magma showing up unannounced at one's doorstep, and only offering survival to those who are able to pull up their own bootstraps without welfare from the federal government. Because we would totally eliminate the bloated and mismanaged FEMA from the budget as well. In our minds, disaster prevention and response has always been best managed by the private sector and an old fashioned dose of personal responsibility.

Just like the cookies grandmother used to make and let cool by the windowsill on a perfect spring day. Varsity had won district championships, so we all piled into Shrevie's truck and headed to the drive-in to see the latest Grace Kelly double feature. Afterwards I took Supriya for a malt at George's Diner and told her how the word of Jesus made abstinence a logical health policy for the entire nation. We'd lay in the fields at night and gaze at the stars, wondering if there were two teenagers just like us staring back, hoping to someday have the emotional intimacy required for second base. But before I could even imagine being in the position to force my beliefs on others, I had to worry about passing my 6th period Civics class taught by Mr. Livingston. He was of course a clichéd, grizzled Korean war vet who instilled Patriotism and Love of Country in his pupils even as the tides of worldly desire tried to wash it away. Returning to the genuine morals and values held by our past generation is the only real way to extricate ourselves from the recession.

To strengthen our economy, we need urgent action to keep energy prices down. All of us remember the deep, fingernail-ripping, eyeball-slicing, Dali-esque pain from when we were paying $4 at the pump. And unless you act now, those prices will return! Dial 1-800-WANT-GAS right now! If you speculate within the next 15 minutes, you will recieve a free Enron hat!

In my home state, there used to be saying: At any given time, half of Louisiana was said to be half underwater and the other half under indictment. Really, you won't get any dirty looks if you make flooding jokes to someone from Louisiana, scout's honor!
To exorcise the demons, we also need to address the crisis in health care. Republicans believe in a simple principle: No American should have to worry about losing their health care coverage, period. Our numbers show that people that already have health care are more likely to be Republicans, so our policy is to protect their lives at the expense of others. If you aren't covered our advice is to get some leftover antibiotics from your friend, set that fracture with duct tape, and if all else fails drive to Canada and try to blend in. We're definitely not letting you into our health care coverage plans because that would make our premiums raise.

There was also this time when my father, at age 15, was seduced by Kate Winslet and got to see her naked! But then she totally turned out to be a Nazi -- what a boner-killer! Then he had weird angsty issues about it for the rest of his life. Since his two famous producers died the same year, he still at least got some nominations out of it.

To strengthen our economy, we also need to make sure that some children in America get the best possible education. After Hurricane Katrina, we reinvented the New Orleans school system, opening dozens of new charter schools that could simply admit only the pupils it wanted to. These schools did a lot better than schools that actually had to teach all students. The students not accepted by the charter school system now have lots of free time to study for their future game show appearances. It shouldn't take a devastating storm to bring this kind of innovation to education in our country.
This is the nation that legalized slavery, overcame the Great Depression with the kind of government spending I oppose, jumped into the winning side of two World Wars when they were almost over, grudgingly accepted civil rights, and responded with determined courage to the free Grand Slam day of February 3rd, 2009.
My fellow citizens, never forget: We are Americans. And like my dad said years ago, Americans will eat any type of industrial corn product.
Thank you for listening. I totally didn't make any of this up. God bless you. God bless Louisiana. And God bless America.

Have Some Human Dignity, For Free

2009-02-26T09:57:00.000-08:00

Like a confrontation over a plush Mardi Gras throw coming to blows, Americans like nothing more than doggedly and irrationally pursuing a 'free' item. "Make some noise!" for a free, low thread count t-shirt that will never be worn? Shit, we'd stuff a lit M-80 into our trachea if that would catch the attention of the fluffy mascot with the shirt cannon.

In the new America, where one may never be seen consuming a carbohydrate in public unless they are drunk from vodka tonics and see a pizza place, places such as Denny's and Quizno's have been seeing a little bit of a downturn in foot traffic. They have figured out that the only way to get people back to eating their non-Pollanesque extrusions is to give it away for free. Once the long forsaken HFCS hits their frontal lobes, they will again become supple subscribers, their wills broken as if Robert Redford himself had whispered in their ears.

The moment those commercials came on the television promising a free Grand Slam, once rational people began doing online searches for the nearest Denny's. They did not consider what kind of scene would actually unfold outside Denny's the day they were giving free Grand Slams. They did not consider whether or not eating a Grand Slam would be a pleasurable experience.

And hey, even if Quizno's is so downright nasty that you would never consider paying any sum of money for one of its toasted atrocities, you will happily give you their personal information for the privilege of printing out a coupon. Now, no actual franchises accept these coupons, but thanks for playing!

Here's a free offer from DBB: when there is an offer for a free trinket or food product that is normally so repulsive that you would step around it, let alone allow it into your body, take a deep breath and stay away from the hysteria. Please note, this free offer for Human Dignity also comes with a side order of Smugness.

Handling Tools

2009-02-19T12:14:00.000-08:00

We're sure this article will get more attention than at our little damp, uninhabited corner of the internet, so we'll keep it brief. But we could not ignore this article from cnn.com, which includes more double entendres than a bad sitcom. They might as well as written an Onion article, and these researchers seem to be aiming straight for the illustrious Ig Nobel Prize. Princeton(!) researchers have proven, scientifically, that upon viewing pictures of women in bikinis, increased activity in the area's of men's brains that correspond to "handling tools" results. Something like that deserves to be quoted for emphasis:

New research shows that, in men, the brain areas associated with handling tools and the intention to perform actions light up when viewing images of women in bikinis.

People have reactions of avoidance toward the homeless and drug addicts, and the opposite for scantily clad women.

We have some good proposals of our own, you know:

Upon smoking marujuana, is there increased activity in the part of the brain that controls desire for Doritos?
Why do people not mind the smell of their own farts? Oh, did we just make your mind explode, NIH?
Scientifically speaking, how bad of pizza will drunk people in the L.E.S. still pay $3 for at 2AM?
Is there any experimental correlation between female attractiveness and male desire to carry large objects?

If any large governmental funding agencies are willing to fund these groundbreaking research ideas, please deposit the grant money directly into DBB's UBS account.

Did We All Forget How Much Tom Daschle Sucks?

2009-02-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to various Health-related cabinet posts, and some people seem downright wistful about him:

"It really sets us back a step," said Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill. "Because he was such a talent. I mean he understood Congress, serving in the House and Senate; he certainly had the confidence of the president."

"I was a little stunned. I thought he was going to get confirmed," said Max Baucus, D-Mont., chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, the panel that would have voted on Daschle's nomination. "It's regrettable. He's a very good man."

"Tom made a mistake, which he has openly acknowledged," Obama said Tuesday. "He has not excused it, nor do I. But that mistake and this decision cannot diminish the many contributions Tom has made to this country."

We always remembered Daschle as the Senate majority leader that was so afraid of being seen as not sufficiently patriotic or tough on terrorism that he led his party to vote exactly like Republicans. Soon enough, with such spineless submissives like him representing the Democratic crème de la crème, people figured they might as well vote for actual Republicans. They lost the majority, and he lost his seat. Basically, Tom Daschle was Jay Bulworth before his crisis of concience in that inspired, shitty movie from the 90's. He was a bigger tool than Carson Daly and Matt Lauer combined.

And now, like that venereal disease you thought you took care of with an entire tube of Neosporin, he returns years later wearing the most douchey red glasses possible. Listen Tom, you are not Thom Daschle, respectable art curator. You're a scumbag lobbyist for the health care industry who would be one of the last people on Earth to effect real health care reform. You had to drop out of effecting fake-change because, rest assured, more shit than free limo rides would have floated to the surface. Tear down those glasses, get some comped Lasik, and keep popping klonopin every time someone says DeLay. A better takedown than ours was done by Matt Taibbi, an actual political reporter:

When Obama picked Tom Daschle to be the HHS Secretary, I nearly shit my pants. In Washington there are whores and there are whores, and then there is Tom Daschle. Tom Daschle would suck off a corpse for a cheeseburger.

It's February, and we are already pretty tired of fake change we have no better option than to accept. As Bulworth himself once opined, "What are you going to do, vote Republican?" The obvious first choice for health care reformist, Howard Dean, must have turned down the fake-change czar nomination before it was offered to Daschlebbychleb. Either that, or Daschlebbychleb was owed a favor by Obama in some sort of Wire-ish scheme.

Getting a Cellphone Abroad is Something You Should Do

2009-02-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

As much as going to another country is a chance to experience another culture, it is often a chance to travel technologically back in time. This was a time, prior to this decade, when entire Seinfeld episodes could be written around the comical adventures that ensue when direct communication was not available. Cell phones did not exist, and any hypothetical meeting up between two separate entities involved meticulous planning and unparalleled trust. The exact place and time of meeting had to be specified hours in advance and several contingency plans had to be discussed. Now of course, when you get off the subway hoping to meet your friend in the village the convenience of technology allows you to get a comforting text message along the lines of "sup brah still in brooklyn c u n 30 sorry". If you are traveling abroad and hope to have the same stress-free, informal meet-ups that you are used to, you need to get your cellphone to work abroad.

While a little dated, the NYT has already published a pretty comprehensive guide -- we hope to add our own experiences and reccomendations here. We assume you have a GSM phone and want to use it somewhere else. The best way to do this is to unlock your phone, and swap your SIM card (a la Stringer Bell in season 3) to a prepaid one that works in the country you are in.

To unlock your phone, the best way is to call your cellphone company and ask for the unlock instructions, which are specific for every model of phone. Explain that you are traveling abroad temporarily and want to use a prepaid SIM while you are there. Basically, you don't want them to think you will use the instructions to jump contract to another carrier. AT&T emailed them to us in a quite hassle-free manner. You may want to try out the unlock codes before you travel because they may have sent you the wrong one.

The second step is to get a functional prepaid SIM card. It is tempting to buy one online before you travel, but at this point our reccomendation is to buy one once you get there. Overall we had a poor experience with the SIM card we bought from Telestial, the most legit looking vendor we found. For starters, registration involved emailing a copy of our passport to them. Then, the SIM card didn't even work once we arrived at our destination. We ended up using a SIM card purchased there that was kindly donated to us by a traveling companion. We never saw, even once, a recharge vendor for the SIM brands offered by Telestial. While our monosylibic grunts used hardly 1 euro from the 10 euro starting balance, having the option to buy more minutes is another good reason to buy one of the popular prepaid card brands sold there. Telestial's return process was quick and fairly straightforward, but they do not refund fees and shipping even when the product they sold was defective. So, for a 48$ purchase, we only got 39$ back. Thanks for nothing, Telestial.

Pintxos and Friends

2009-01-30T18:19:00.000-08:00

Few things are as narcissistic as blogging about how many hits your blog has been getting lately; nothing we're able to do is more pretentious than hosting a dinner party highlighting the cuisine of a region whose existence most guests are not aware. The centerpiece was these flag-evoking anchovy pintxos we were informed about here. To differ, we added spicy pimenton ahumado to our mayo and unfortunately over-roasted the peppers, making them harder to cut. FYI, we were able to find boquerones in NYC at Westside.
Since the phrase "Vegetarian Spanish Food" may have as well been created for a George Carlin bit about oxymorons, we had to freestyle for these inclusivity-themed pintxos. We incorporated an ancient secret of Spanish cooking -- using a shitload of olive oil -- to sauté two packages of oyster mushrooms with half an onion, roasted red pepper scraps, and thyme leaves. This was topped with a slice of brie and freshly ground smoked peppercorns. The brie was ommitted on two of these per plate so that vegans would have two less reasons to passively whine -- these were consistently the last two eaten before a new plate was brought out.
For the people who were too squeamish to let their palette wander like a butterfly in an open meadow we made these self-explanatory Castilian pintxos. More notably, we were actually able to bring with us from Spain our favorite olive, Campo Real. They are perplexedly sold nowhere in the United States that we are aware of; please turn the lights on for us if you know where to find the switch. They have a fresh, herbed, non-salty flavor for which there is no substitute.
The reason for the existence of the party was the purchase of a frozen octopus from the corner fish market. At 24$ we needed help eating this, and at the precipice of offending the uninvited the only reasonable choice was to invite everyone that we could think of. We wanted to see if we could recreate the pulpo a la gallega of our dreams -- contrary to the assurances of Bittman we were not. While certainly tasty, it was rubberier than the restaurant prepared version that hooked us in the first place. However, the Area 51-esque scenarios we encountered in cooking such a creature more than validated the attempt.
Like the fabled lost episode of your favorite TV show, message board denizens of Pintxos and Friends fan sites often say that the tastiest pintxos were the ones never brought out. This would be the bacalao pintxos we prepared from this recipe. While that sauce is very lacking in the flavor category, placing a piece of bacalao on the baguette slice and topping it with a pickled hot pepper made an irresistible combination. So irresistible that the possibility of our tipsy Friends eating too fast and choking to death on fish bones caused our inner risk-assessor to keep them hidden. However, based on the reports of sober souls with lifelong experience in navigating cod skeletons -- the few trusted with the task of tasting -- they measured up.

Fun With Google Analytics, Vol. 1

2009-01-25T19:17:00.000-08:00

Much like Rakim rapping about how good he is at rapping, we are going to get a little meta-indulgent here and blog about blogging. We got our Jan 14th post about La Penya a mention on the pre-eminent basketball blog, TrueHoop, by wining, dining, and bribing. Of course, that is super-secret internet speak for sending a polite email. As you can see, the bump in traffic made all of our other posts look insignificant by comparison. We're definitely swimming in advertising revenue now at the DBB headquarters. In the blogosphere, it is a good thing when your individual country details look like CDC disease outbreak scenarios.

Perusing our worldwide acclaim led us to pinpoint another one of Google's well known Chinese government-placating policies. Hovering your mouse over individual countries on the map overlay will show how many hits in the last month you have gotten from that country. Conveniently, the country over which your mouse hovers is highlighted in yellow to further visually distinguish it. For instance, when we hovered our mouse over Taiwan it showed that we had recieved 2 visits from there. However, as you can see, more than just Taiwan was highlighted when we did this, a subtle reminder from Google as to just how far they believe Taiwanese autonomy extends.

In the Hipster Hierarchy, there are Minions and Minionmasters

2009-01-25T00:06:00.000-08:00

While we've got one hour now before the melatonin kicks in and we are too tired to even rail against the hipster hierarchy, we do have one hour to rail against the hipster hierarchy. However, instead of railing, let us instead make casual observations from afar, as hipsters themselves are wont to do. In the hipster hierarchy, there are minions and minionmasters.

Much like a vaunted "Head Vampire" the hipster minionmaster is knowingly at the center of admiration from his or her minions. The minionmaster takes his or her position at the top of the hierarchy due to several subjective categories such as seniority, confidence, and hipness. Attaining the position of minionmaster is non-ceremonial and unspoken, but is celebrated by many recognizable rituals, for instance:

"Clocking" at a party -- There is a party, and the minions are assembled. The minionmaster shows up considerably later than all of his or her minions, and talks only to people that are not his or her minions. Frustrated, the minions must awkwardly break their current conversations and rush to greet their minionmaster, like clockwork.
Going to an unhip concert -- A concert of a band that is too commercial to be undeniably hip, like say, Interpol or Arcade Fire, may be deemed appropriate only by minionmasters. If such a band is deemed acceptable by minionmasters, minion attendance is mandatory and 'clocking' rules apply.
Enforcing the hierarchy -- Like landing the proverbial Belle Jolie account, minionmasters do not approve of their minions taking paths that may eventually lead to self-actualization. For example, starting a noise band without first running the idea past the minionmaster, or taking a long distance trip to a place perceived as hip without daily checking in with the minionmaster are both situations requiring intervention. A discouraging, snarky comment or a non-pleading email sent from the minionmaster to the minion is all that is usually required in order to induce sufficient doubt or guilt to make the minion return to the conventional social order.
Not laughing at jokes until the minionmaster does -- In these uncertain times, minions can not simply laugh out loud at whatever funny thing they see. Many funny things are intentionally funny, and there are few things less hip than trying too hard to evoke an emotional response. So if an Andy Samberg clip spontaneously appears, the minion must recieve implied permission to laugh or face a quip along the lines of 'Hey, if you want we could watch Old School or Anchorman". Conversely, anything that David Cross does must be laughed at.

While there are several 'feeling-out' actions taken by a minionmaster to a prospective minion, the minion is usually happy to oblige. After all, the minion grew up in the suburbs with parents who worked at corporate/federal jobs and went to high school where nobody listened to good music and everyone dressed the same. Now the minion is among many creative individuals who were never burdened by such backward practices, and is surprisingly accepted by them. Much like an Academy Nomination, it is an honor to even be considered for the position of minion.

Visca La Penya!

2009-01-14T00:05:00.000-08:00

The basketball junkies we here at Das Bloggy Blog, few things hit us as hard as when TNT became no longer free on Time Warner. Gone were the carefree musings of EJ, drunk Charles, and the Jet -- our only outlet for non-exploitative professional basketball would be ABC. Yeah, that ABC ... the channel that seems to show samey Celtics, Lakers, or Cavs games every week. So when we had the opportunity to see über-prodigy Ricky Rubio in an ACB Spanish League game, we were more than willing to navigate Catalan websites and wander aimlessly in suburban malls in order to figure out how exactly to make it happen.

DKV Joventut (or simply La Penya) does not play in Barcelona but in nearby Badalona. They play at the old Olympic gym located near the Gorg Metro stop, on the L2(purple) line. It's hard to picture a top D-1 team, let alone the original Dream Team, playing at this grafittied, corragated steel canister. Getting tickets (25-30 € each) is as simple as showing up 1-2 hours before gametime and waiting in line at the ticket counter. The ticket counter, which accepts cash, is to the right of the main entrance. The windows to the left of the main entrance seem to be for will call tickets purchased online.

We saw the Dec. 28th game against Baloncesto Fuenlabrada, featuring Alaskan Brad Oleson and a still invisible Nicholas Tskitishvili. Entering the stadium, it becomes difficult not to keel over and writhe on the floor in pain at the greatest cultural difference between a game in Spain and the US: no alcohol is served. The club seems to be more than happy to make its money from the relatively hefty admission -- merch and food sales are really at a minimum. So after picking up a popcorn and a San Miguel 0,0 we took our seats and watched the game. And yes, there is a dance team.Bon Nadal, indeed. The game itself has a few notable differences than what we're used to:

The dusty court leaves the players sliding around like they are in a rec-center in June. We think there are may be more people cleaning the sidewalks outside than a court in which millions of invested €'s compete.
For all the talk of the 'Euro two-step', the crowd is quick to stand and call for a traveling violation when the ref neglects to. Meanwhile, in the NBA, LeBron can calmly explain why he should be allowed to take three steps.
La Penya's answer to Thundersticks are nasal sounding plastic horns favored by fans young and old. If you are a sensitive soul bring earplugs and aspirin -- you are going to find out what it is like to spend 2 hours inside a bagpipe.
Besides having the beverage menu written with the former(!) President in mind, hooliganophobia also manifests itself at the end of halves. A shielded tunnel wheels onto the court while the players are escorted off by police in riot gear.

La Penya fell way behind at the beginning of the second half, playing a trapping zone whose mystery was easily solved by passing to a wide open corner 3. The star of the team, Rubio, and its most dominating player, Jerome Moiso, didn't start; although its best player, Louisianian Demond Mallet did. In crunch time, all three took the court -- their best play being to simply loft a pass inside to Moiso. Their furious comeback was instigated by a press that created turnovers and contested shots. The play of the game was definitely a lackadaisical 1 on 1 break in which the DKV player dove to floor with minimal contact; scooping the ball towards the basket was merely an afterthought. That the 'shot' actually went in meant nothing -- he just wanted the foul call! La Penya, 86-84.

Unfortunately, Rubio was never even given the opportunity to create fast break magic -- he was intentionally fouled every time he received a quick outlet pass. In the half court he was able to get assists and layups often, and when ably defended showed a Ginobili-esque knack to jerk his head back quickly -- this delighted the referee's whistle like nothing else. When he and LeBron are playing for D'Antoni in 2010, the Knicks will be quite the unstoppable force. "Hi, I'm Mike Tirico, and this is the only team that ABC will ever be showing!"

OMFG WHER R TEH ACORNS?!?

2008-12-12T23:54:00.000-08:00

It is hard to know where to start on CNN.com's December 12th opus, entitled "Scientists baffled by mysterious acorn shortage". Even for the sensationalist game of limbo played by this site, this article marks a new low in "science/technology" journalism. The article presents evidence of an acorn shortage but cannot present one scientist who is 'baffled' by an acorn shortage as mysterious as who in Sacramento reads this blog. An abomination like this deserves to be broken down point by point:

A nature center director says there was an abnormally low amount of acorns this year.
A woman in Virginia couldn't find any acorns like woah.
The internetz forumz give us this nugget:
"WHAT IS GOING ON?" posted a resident of Maplewood, New Jersey. "Now we are finding dead squirrels! SHOULD WE ALL BE CONCERNED?"
Yes, you all should be concerned. You are obviously living next to a budding serial killer/cat who is practicing on small animals before stepping their game up to rainbow alarmists like you.
An 'extension agent', which actually has nothing to do with the pornography industry, gives two completely plausible reasons why there are not many acorns this year. "Sounds pretty baffled to me," said the rolling-eyes emoticon.
Someone who collects tree seeds says they found less acorns! Fuck!
Unnamed scientists say the acorn shortage is worth watching to see if a trend develops, and are accepting grant money to do so.
That woman from Virginia (not a scientist, but did stay at a Holiday Inn Express) connects the acorn shortage with the bee shortage. However, she neglects to mention that the acorn shortage may be in fact linked to the recession, what with gas prices these days and all.
Some people have even seen squirrels eat feed intended for birds. In related news, mice have been observed eating cheese and peanut butter intended for fat people.
We are shown a picture of a squirrel apparently unaffected by ACORN CRISIS '08. The caption warns that 'some' scientists fear that the acorn shortage may affect squirrels! Which scientists exactly are cowering at night, wrapped in sweaty blankets at this thought? Well, not the three scientists actually quoted in the article, who come to the conclusion that squirrels can just eat other stuff.

Blagojevich Should Have Gone To Corruption School In Louisiana

2008-12-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

Today we have all amusingly chuckled when Illinois Gov. Blagojevich got arrested for auctioning a Senate seat to whomever could muster the cushiest post-Gov position. Of course, the biggest consequence of this is the local pride the arrest stirred within those from the area, which could only be expressed in gleeful status updates and away messages proclaiming "home of the dirtiest politics!" or something to that effect. However, an honest appraisal of the skill of corruption is needed. Blagojegish did the deed himself, on the phone. Any bright-eyed, bushy-tailed grad student with copies of The Wire and The Shield knows that corruption is best administered low-key, in person and through trusted intermediaries.

Take "Dollar" Bill Jefferson for instance -- he accepted bribes from corporations in order to steer government contracts to them. The quid pro-quo was filtered through a shell company controlled by his progeny. So far, so good. He got busted by personally accepting a suitcase full of marked bills and then storing it in his freezer. Vic Mackey knows that dirty money should be kept in a storage facility under a fake name.

Edwin Edwards solicited bribes for casino licenses, using family and close associates to do the preliminary negotiations while referring to him only by nicknames. These solid tactics had allowed him to avoid convictions on two prior indictments and still be viewed as a sympathetic character deserving of presidential pardon. The Greek certainly approves! Edwards was done in by a massive betrayal of underlings and convicted only on circumstantial evidence.

So, to recap, Gov. Dasblagoblag would have been much better off taking cues from the Louisiana school of corruption. A Senate seat may have been "a fucking valuable thing", certainly worthy of a board appointment or two, but if he had just sat back and let the cronies come to him, negotiated by proxy, he might still be a Governor with the worst approval ratings ever. Instead he personally solicited bribes on a tapped phone line from the very political rivals that would benefit from turning him in. That is about as smart as setting up shop half a block from a Stanfield corner.

Stop Sending Us So Many Fucking Catalogs

2008-11-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

Living our agoraphobic life, seldom emerging from shelter, we buy many things online to save ourselves interactions with Humanity. However, when you buy one pair of shoes from Eastbay or one frog bra from Title Nine, you are inundated with monthly catalogs that never cease to arrive. Despite buying things online in order to avoid Humanity and enhance our flabby veal-like texture, getting catalogs we don't want forces us to call somebody and have actual interactions. We are then informed that we might still get 4 or 5 catalogs still before we are taken out of their system. Of course, they are just lying to us and we still get monthly catalogs no matter how often we call about it. Well, we couldn't just burn them on the stove and set off our Xtra-sensitive fire alarm, so we felt pretty helpless.

Enter Catalog Choice. They claim to have special unsubscription powers that a simple man with a phone does not possess. They claim to be able to work special hypno-powers to get the humble populace off of mailing lists. We had initial hesitations that submitting our info would in fact cause us to be put on more mailing lists; their Berkeley address and numerous legit-looking non-profit sponsors convinced us that they were the kind of tech-savy tree huggers to trust. That is of course opposed to the kind of tech-savy tree huggers that designed a way to grow weed indoors without tipping off the authorities from their electricity bill (an Ashton Kutcher movie that we are currently writing).

So do the hemp-belted Stanford grads that we imagine started Catalog Choice have the Jedi Mind Tricks necessary to get us removed from catalog mailing lists? Time will tell; certain frog bra hucksters are not participating, and even then they say that it takes 4-6 months for the catalogs they have already placed orders for to work their way out. Either way, we will still have our flabby, veal-like texture.

Das Ötmeil

2008-11-11T22:12:00.000-08:00

We haven't done a mailbag in awhile, so we'll start out by answering this question from loyal reader Catholic:

Hi DBB. Long time commenter, first time question-asker. I was wondering, when the folks at Das Bloggy Blog wake up and want a Pollanesque, complex carbohydrate laden breakfast, what do they prepare?

As we all know, adherents to the United Church of Poe-Lan are forbidden from mixing dairy with processed cereal. While other value-added concoctions of processed grains such as bread are allowable, new ones are not until they have been traditionally consumed by 10 consecutive generations and thus proven their safety. As shown above, we put two cups of whole oat groats in a crock pot along with some brown sugar, five spice powder, and salt. Then we fill it up with water and cook it for 8 hours. The nutty, textury goodness that results can then be served with raw milk from grass-fed cows.

Our next question comes from our Facebook newsfeed via Random Asshole We Went To Hick Highschool With:

What do Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, and Barack Obama have in common?

The only appropriate response to a question like this is immediate defriending. Why don't you move to Canada or Ireland where there are so many more conservatives?

And a final question from an Anonymous reader:

What is the difference between static and dynamic light scattering?

Static Light Scattering measures the intensity of scattered light as a function of angle and concentration; for dilute polymer solutions this yields the weight-average molecular weight, radius of gyration, and second virial coefficient. Dynamic Light Scattering measures the fluctuations in intensity of scattered light; for dilute solutions of particles this yields the translational diffusion coefficient and the hydrodynamic diameter.

5 Foody Things That Currently Are Reflective Of Our Worldview

2008-11-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

We didn't have to start cooking for ourselves on a regular basis until we were 20. There wasn't a grocery store within walking distance, so at that point a box of Zatarain's plus sausage and onions equaled haute cuisine. We then moved up in the world to red beans from scratch and various curries. We also went through a slow cooker phase which we may return to at a future date. But Who's Now?

Pepper Mill: After giving half the nation's waitstaff carpal tunnel, we finally ponied up for our own. We still don't ever say when -- this is a honeymoon that will never end. Pepper is the greatest spice, and any wars fought in its honor were completely justified. Eggs, pasta, hot dogs, cereal -- virtually any dish can be improved through it's addition. We are now experimenting with putting other spices in the grinder for an undertone effect to mixed (get it?) results.
The Omnivore's Dilemma: We seriously love mocking the deity known simply as Poe-Lan, but a little self-righteousness isn't out of order when one is as very right as he is. Like Fast Food Nation before it, tOD is redefining the way a generation looks at food if not necessarily their habits. Just as fast food profits were never dinged by the former, we doubt most people will feel any less "Smug Green Satisfaction" after their latest Yukon-packing trip to Whole Foods. Perhaps the newly receptive Farmer in Chief will take Poe-Lan's cue to cut the fucking corn subsidies already. We'll join his cult once he starts using citations more and stops using "quotations" for every jargony word he wants you to believe is inherently evil.
Amazon Grocery: With easy to navigate deals and convenient ordering, our addiction to Amazon Grocery grew as fast as our cereal and coffee collection. We knew we had a problem when we started designing some of the recipes we've yet to unveil. We knew we needed to stop when average lunches turned into some combination of granola bars, microwave popcorn, and pappadums. We've been clean for about a month and a half now, and will hopefully eat our way out of our can fortress by 2012.
Weird Fish Things: We always had a soft spot in our heart for sardines just like any other East Texas-born stereotype, but as a result of #3 we've been able to expand this love. The sweetness of herring. The candy-like affordable vice of smoked salmon trimmings. And most shocking of all, the umamigasm of anchovies.
Crisp Snax: You are lucky that we didn't simply devote an entire post to Crisp Snax, the best cracker ever. While it may have been boring and as self-indulgent as an Yngwie track, it would have been deserved. Nothing else is as complementary to a piece of cheese. Other crackers that are not bite size get crumbs everywhere when you try to bite them or break them into smaller pieces. Crisp Snax are perfect. While they are imported from Israel contrary to the teachings of Poe-Lan, their simple five-ingredient list makes him smile down from above. Adorably, the box design looks like it was made with clip art and Microsoft Paint. Really, from their HQ in Brooklyn, they couldn't find one starving graphic design major willing to work for crackers?

Until we write again, we'll be keepin' it grass-fed!

The Power of Marketing

2008-10-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Corona is a bland Pilsner that necessitates a fresh lime wedge in order for it to have any recognizable flavor. Of course, Don Draper would have you believe that it isn't bland, no, it is smooth and drinkable. And, it is the only beer that you can put a lime in. Despite the fact that many beers will taste good on a hot day with a lime, lemon, or orange wedge, many people will protest quite vigorously if you propose such a travesty. In fact, the flavor of many lagers and brown ales are nicely complemented by addition of a lime wedge. But, the manufacturers of those beers haven't put considerable effort in developing a defacto copyright on the practice like the makers of Corona have.

At our departmental BBQ there were many limes leftover from our chicken marinade, and we suggested to others that they try putting wedges in their Heinekins or Amstel Lights. After all, those beers are pretty bland too. However, this usually was responded with a quizzical look, followed by, "But this isn't Corona!". We had to try really hard to get people to think outside the narrow beer + fruit window ingrained in our souls by Don Draper. What we're trying to say is -- put limes in your bland beers. Any brand. It prevents scurvy.

WKCR -- Left of the Dial and Above Your Tax Bracket

2008-10-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

We like us some college radio. In fact, we are like that bland SuperTrain guy from Singles who reminisces about the glory days as we flip through our record collection(s). Two things that were as integral to our college radio experience as accidentally dropping the F-bomb before 10PM were:

Fundraising
Bureaucracy

Now these weren't the fun, glamorous parts of college radio, like accidentally dropping the F-bomb before 10PM. That was as much fun as we'd had since we were children, when we used to seal lit firecrackers in glass jars and fling dogshit at moving cars from behind a fence. Simultaneously. We had a lot of awesome e-coli infections back then, too.

Fundraising and Bureaucracy were the unfun parts of college radio that involved browbeating by our elders and learning something about something as it relates to life, and our world. Like most college radio stations, we didn't set our sights for the stars and envision a future without those things. For instance, we didn't gather up all of our Low-Ivy entitlement and expect an endowment, whose interest would completely fund our activities. This however, is the plan of the 'college' radio station WKCR, which is loosely associated with Columbia University.

Neither a student enterprise nor a club, the radio station exists outside the umbrella of University governing boards, and thus is not in line to receive money from student life funds. Before a plague of monetary problems struck the station, this existence apart from other student groups suited them. But a spate of financial issues, starting in 2001, has decimated the station’s bank account. The station embarked on an initiative to raise a $4 to $6 million endowment, using the interest to pay for operating costs.

Most stations use student programming funding. Of course, that entails dealing with bureaucracy and actually having to accommodate actual students. (the Horror)

“Is conforming to ABC [Activities Board at Columbia] guidelines worth the $30,000?” she said. “The answer is probably no.”

It's certainly true that student programming funding won't cover everything -- so most stations also set aside a couple of weeks every year to roll up their sleeves and do fundraising.

Ben Siegelman, CC ’07 and the 2006 station manager who helped formulate the endowment plan, said he wanted to “come up with some sort of financial plan in which the radio station did not have to rely on on-air fundraising. I was sick of fundraising.”

Well OK, nix that. The article then notes that their antenna was on the WTC and the replacement one only reaches 10% of the former audience. Of course, something like that only is relevant to two things: fundraising (already out of the question), and advertising. So how about throwing a few spots out there?

“We could have commercials, but then we’d have commercials,” Whitcomb said flatly, “and that’s not art.”

Apparently, if you have a trust fund, you expect the non-profit you work at to have one too. And with a $270K annual operating budget, you need a really big trust fund. Some of this $270K goes to actually paying one guy to do a show and live in New York. Seriously, if you are that hard up to fill airtime, just steal somebody's iPod from a Vampire Weekend show and take a nap. That's basically what most college radio amounts to these days anyway. Of course, not being officially tied to Columbia University means that they actually have to pay rent for station space. We're guessing this is probably the most abnormal part of their budget. Additionally*, their pristine, state-of-the-art equipment looks nicer than the 30 year old mixing boards and duct-taped CD players sported by most other college stations. If only they had the kind of bourgeois networking that WKCR thinks** they have, they too might be able to sneer at such non-profit drudgery as fundraising, bureaucracy, and selling out to the man.

*We apologize for whining! And we are referring to the linked article's picture -- not the one we swiped from the Onion!
**We are uh, skeptical of this plan. But we guess if raising 270K a year is hard, pulling in a $6 million endowment should be a piece of cake.

so here in alaska we were watching the vice presidential debates and...

2008-10-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

sarah palin said that as VP she would cut punctuation from the federal budget to save average working americans their tax dollars because i believe that americans should have their tax dollars and be able to spend them rather than the federal government spending them on things like punctuation when we can just use colloquialisms doggone it and they save the hardworking taxpayer money also we should talk in circles and get rid of punctuation which i believe is a personal choice that due to my own personal opinion on that particular issue i choose not to use punctuation but that does not mean that the middle class can not either they will be able to afford punctuation on their own with mccains tax cuts for joe six pack that he can pass even against the wishes of some in his own party that as the original maverick he is able to pass such as forthcoming legislation against punctuation and gay marriage and i mean to say that some of my best friends happen to be gay but personally i want to protect the tradition of marraige in our great country of ours and also preserve the continuity of sentences

This is a fair and balanced blog now.

2008-10-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

After so many transparently partisan* attacks on the McCain-Palin ticket (He had an affair with a lobbyist and writes shitty op-eds, she is underhanded and has no experience) the NYTimes finally soldiered up the integrity to attempt a similar takedown of Joe Biden. (Barack "Jesus" Obama has never done anything wrong.) Of course, it was a half-hearted attempt of innuendo that was quickly relegated to the Politics section, gracing the front page for nary a day.

Focusing on the favors the credit-loving hack Senator enjoys in his home state, the all-too-common buried lede debunks his main character building experience:

Beyond landscaping costs, one of the Biden campaign’s largest regular expenditures is for Amtrak tickets for the senator and his aides or consultants. Going back to 2001, those expenses typically ranged from $9,000 to $15,000 a year — far exceeding that of his colleagues in Delaware’s Congressional delegation, whose campaigns spent between $500 and $3,000, federal election records show. Like Mr. Biden, Delaware’s other senator, Thomas R. Carper, and Representative Michael N. Castle commute daily to Washington, their offices said.

Biden, of course, typically makes a point in stump speeches of relating to Joe Six-Pack-With-a-Lower-IQ by talking about his daily commute. It started as a way for him to visit his two young sons after his wife and daughter died in a automobile crash. Now it is a way for him to chill at his lakefront mansion. Senator, I served with Calvin's Dad: I knew Calvin's Dad; Calvin's Dad was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Calvin's Dad. You're cool if I plagiarized that, right Joe?

It is at this point that we left-coast elitists need to remind ourselves of the life of an average American in these trying, desperate economic times. The average American lives in a small town where the manufacturing/call center job he/she used to work at was recently outsourced due to NAFTA/globalization. Sure, the average American could get a new, depressing job at the meatpacking plant/maximum security prison, but the pay is less and it is 100 miles away. Gas prices what they are, a commute is out of the question, and he/she can't sell the house and move there ever since the housing bubble popped.

Also, the team lost in the state quarterfinals again this year. Coach should really start playing that Sanderson boy more. A real sparkplug. And what with Nell's son listening to that rap music, we're going to have get Sheriff McKay to keep an eye on him. I know trouble when I see it, I'll tell you what. Sure thing Jimmy, if I ever see him near your darling Sandra you'll be the first to know.

Anyway -- the point is, the Average American doesn't want to hear about how your campaign spends $10K a year shuttling you and your staff up and down the eastern seaboard so you can be kicking it on your badass deck before the fireflies come out. As much that can be said for the Palin VP pick being a cynical stab at chromosomal inclusivity -- the Biden pick is the same kind of rote process that gave us the uninspiring banality of Kerry and Lieberman. Hang around Washington long enough, and it will eventually be your turn. Yeah, even you there playing kickball.

Tonight's debate will be a fascinating matchup between someone who can't talk in complete sentences, and someone who completes way too many. We won't be liveblogging it! Don't stay tuned!

*In an ironical sense. It's not partisan if you are right.

"It would be funnier if it wasn't sad"

2008-09-30T05:42:00.000-07:00

Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain

From the district that brought you David Duke!

2008-09-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

It wasn't long after the creation of Das Bloggy Blog that we were inundated with charges of elitism -- the kind of elitism that is too cool for quirky movies and the Olympics. Sure, every once in awhile Das Bloggy Blog could be spotted ironically double fisting PBR at a "dive bar" like the common man, but generally we were full of expensive microbrew, casual snark, and incestuous linking. We didn't know where the blog ended and where real life began -- it wasn't long before we had alienated everyone we held dear and were left with nothing but pithy pageviews and threaded comments in our head. But it should be noted, to those that haven't disavowed us already, that we never publicly advocated for the sterilization of the poor.

We never brainstormed this idea, kicked it around informally to colleagues, and leaked it to the press. We never whined that such a 'radical' idea would never be accepted politically, and we never preemptively came up with arguments that it wasn't racist.

We say this because Louisiana State Rep. John LaBruzzo, did . Straight outta Ol' Metry, LaBruzzo wants to pay poor Louisianians $1000 for a sterilization procedure -- and also give a little per diem to educated Americans, hardworking Americans as well for popping out more future Republicans:

"What I'm really studying is any and all possibilities that we can reduce the number of people that are going from generational welfare to generational welfare, " he said.

He said his program would be voluntary. It could involve tubal ligation, encouraging other forms of birth control or, to avoid charges of gender discrimination, vasectomies for men.

It also could include tax incentives for college-educated, higher-income people to have more children, he said.

We know comparing everyone to Nazis is soooooo 2007, but there really isn't any other way to react to this. We know it must be hard these days, with gas prices what they are, to come up with new and innovative ways to appeal to your racist electorate. But seriously, next time just talk about resurrecting the rotting corpse of Harry Lee and how much you appreciate McCain's values. As you could guess, some of the unmoderated NOLA.commenters absolutely LOVED this idea (the eugenics one):

WhoaNellie: Awesome idea. One that I have bee saying for years. $1,000.00 is to cheap, let's make it $5,000.00. Beleive me we will come out way ahead. Anybody who wants it is in. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than people who can't afford another child that keep busting them out. Come on people!!! We are paying for the whole ride from cradle to grave. Everything... This is not about race, it is about trying to provide a reasonable quality of life. I only have 2 kids because that is what I can handle. Sure I could have had more, but that is not right.

Oh yea, how wonderfull it is for crackheads and other low lifes to keep on having babies. Think about it people. $5,000.00 is a bargain...
crispyfried: Great idea!,i'm all for it. That thousand will be taken by hundreds probably thousands or more faster than you can blink an eye!.Something has to be done with this welfare crap. It's not working now and neither are the ones receiving it!. Finally someone that speaks the truth and also sees the problems.This guy has the solution everybody cries about. Believe me there's more people than on these blogs that will love this idea.

Truth be told however, they did not seem to make up the majority. If you will forgive us, we'll be going on hiatus shortly in order to work on this country's economic deficit.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do for Some Companies

2008-09-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

When we last left this story, we had passively broken up with our first long-term credit card company, Kapital Eins. They had been sending obvious signals, like letters saying we could cancel the account by not agreeing to a cash advance fee. They even suggested a private location for the breakup, namely their automated cancellation line. This was great, because we have no balls. A lot less drama than the time we broke up with Cingular at Bistro du Sud: The salade niçoise stains never came out of our white linen sports coat, and the waitstaff still snickers when we stroll by.

Well, they must be having quite the dry spell, because we just recieved a 1AM text from them in the form of a random $4.20 check in the mail. What is this for you ask? Do they just feel lonely that their roommate is out of town for the weekend? We sure as hell took all of our How I Met Your Mother DVDs back when we stormed out of their place -- with nary a negative balance in sight. Silly us, we thought they had been getting the hint.

Sure, Kapital Eins says they just want to have a casual drink or two and catch up. But we know that the moment we deposit that check they will reopen our account and start racking up fees on that $4.20 "cash advance". And lets be honest, $4.20 isn't even enough to buy a dime bag these days! (Heyoh!) We think its about time our new credit purveyor, Chuck Schwab, slid up aside, put their arm around us, looked Kapital Eins right in the eye, and said that we didn't wan't to talk to or see them any longer.

List of Notable Community Organizers and Governors

2008-09-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Sparked by a crack we first saw on Gawker, we'd like to make a short list of notable Community Organizers and Governors.

Community Organizers:

Jesus
Martin Luther King Jr.
Mahatma Gandhi
Barack Obama

Governors:

Pontius Pilate
George Wallace
Victor Hope
Sarah Palin