Stop Sending Us So Many Fucking Catalogs

Living our agoraphobic life, seldom emerging from shelter, we buy many things online to save ourselves interactions with Humanity. However, when you buy one pair of shoes from Eastbay or one frog bra from Title Nine, you are inundated with monthly catalogs that never cease to arrive. Despite buying things online in order to avoid Humanity and enhance our flabby veal-like texture, getting catalogs we don't want forces us to call somebody and have actual interactions. We are then informed that we might still get 4 or 5 catalogs still before we are taken out of their system. Of course, they are just lying to us and we still get monthly catalogs no matter how often we call about it. Well, we couldn't just burn them on the stove and set off our Xtra-sensitive fire alarm, so we felt pretty helpless.


Enter Catalog Choice. They claim to have special unsubscription powers that a simple man with a phone does not possess. They claim to be able to work special hypno-powers to get the humble populace off of mailing lists. We had initial hesitations that submitting our info would in fact cause us to be put on more mailing lists; their Berkeley address and numerous legit-looking non-profit sponsors convinced us that they were the kind of tech-savy tree huggers to trust. That is of course opposed to the kind of tech-savy tree huggers that designed a way to grow weed indoors without tipping off the authorities from their electricity bill (an Ashton Kutcher movie that we are currently writing).

So do the hemp-belted Stanford grads that we imagine started Catalog Choice have the Jedi Mind Tricks necessary to get us removed from catalog mailing lists? Time will tell; certain frog bra hucksters are not participating, and even then they say that it takes 4-6 months for the catalogs they have already placed orders for to work their way out. Either way, we will still have our flabby, veal-like texture.