OMFG WHER R TEH ACORNS?!?

It is hard to know where to start on CNN.com's December 12th opus, entitled "Scientists baffled by mysterious acorn shortage". Even for the sensationalist game of limbo played by this site, this article marks a new low in "science/technology" journalism. The article presents evidence of an acorn shortage but cannot present one scientist who is 'baffled' by an acorn shortage as mysterious as who in Sacramento reads this blog. An abomination like this deserves to be broken down point by point:

• A nature center director says there was an abnormally low amount of acorns this year.
  
• A woman in Virginia couldn't find any acorns like woah.
• The internetz forumz give us this nugget:
  

  "WHAT IS GOING ON?" posted a resident of Maplewood, New Jersey. "Now we are finding dead squirrels! SHOULD WE ALL BE CONCERNED?"
  

  Yes, you all should be concerned. You are obviously living next to a budding serial killer/cat who is practicing on small animals before stepping their game up to rainbow alarmists like you.
  
• An 'extension agent', which actually has nothing to do with the pornography industry, gives two completely plausible reasons why there are not many acorns this year. "Sounds pretty baffled to me," said the rolling-eyes emoticon.
• Someone who collects tree seeds says they found less acorns! Fuck!
  
• Unnamed scientists say the acorn shortage is worth watching to see if a trend develops, and are accepting grant money to do so.
  
• That woman from Virginia (not a scientist, but did stay at a Holiday Inn Express) connects the acorn shortage with the bee shortage. However, she neglects to mention that the acorn shortage may be in fact linked to the recession, what with gas prices these days and all.
• Some people have even seen squirrels eat feed intended for birds. In related news, mice have been observed eating cheese and peanut butter intended for fat people.
• We are shown a picture of a squirrel apparently unaffected by ACORN CRISIS '08. The caption warns that 'some' scientists fear that the acorn shortage may affect squirrels! Which scientists exactly are cowering at night, wrapped in sweaty blankets at this thought? Well, not the three scientists actually quoted in the article, who come to the conclusion that squirrels can just eat other stuff.