Friday, June 20, 2008
WASHINGTON -- Republicans, putting pressure on the Democrat-led Congress and presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama, called for discontinuation of the John F. Kennedy eternal flame in Arlington National Cemetery.
"For many Americans, there is no more pressing concern than the price of gasoline," President George Bush said. "There is a place in our country that offers untapped energy resources. A place where oil is so prevalent that fumes constantly emanate from the ground before igniting. We must extinguish those flames and remove drilling bans there to ease the unfair pressures that hurt American citizens every day."
"The earth in this place is salty and flowers placed there disappear in a matter of days. I drink your milkshake", Bush emphasized.
"Over the next five months, House Republicans will fight every single day to hold Democrats accountable for their dismal record on producing more energy in our country," House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) told reporters. "So many average Americans have been completely devastated every time they fill their gas tank, and this must end."
Democrats however, claim that energy advantages gained from extinguishing the eternal flame will be small, and any effect on gasoline prices will be years away. "It is possible that a current U.S. Senator will have his own eternal flame in the near future", rebutted Hillary Clinton. "We cannot shut off our country's traditional eternal flames simply to gain fleeting political victories that offer no benefits to middle-class Americans, who are hurt so, so dearly every time they go to the pump and are forced at gunpoint to purchase more gasoline."
President Bush then described the National Ronald W. Reagan memorial, which he claimed was a clear alternative to obsolete, flame-based memorials. "The Ronald Reagan memorial offers a breeze of cool air to all Americans walking by, especially those that are being exploited by the price of gasoline." Bush said, "It is symbolic of his message of liberty the world felt while he was President. I question the logic of continuing to honor a man who is represented by the needless burning of fossil fuels."
The Ronald W. Reagan memorial, enacted upon his death in 2004, consists of a 1974 Cadillac Eldorado with the AC blasting and the windows down, and has been idling on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. for its entire existence. In summer months the convertible roof is often rolled down while Sports, by Huey Lewis and the News, is played on the tape deck at a reasonable volume.
Obama, while supporting the eternal flame, offered sympathy to Americans feeling the double-pronged pinch of an economic downturn and rising gas prices, "Too many Americans that I meet every day have been bludgeoned and left for dead by the current administration, their bodies wedged behind a Taco Bell dumpster, because of rising gas prices and the poor state of the economy."
This provoked a harsh reaction from presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain. "I think I speak for all decent, hardworking Americans when I say that I am offended by Barack Obama's statement against easing the suicide-inducing pain we experience every time we hit bingo fuel", he bellowed. "At 4 dollars a gallon, it is like combining the worst things I saw in American History X and making every citizen suffer them."
Friday, June 13, 2008
Lets flash back to the summer of 1991, when punk had broke and Jindal had just graduated with a degree in biology from Brown. He became a Rhodes Scholar and got accepted into Yale Law and Harvard Med. While others were wearing flannel and smoking dope, Jindal was presumably getting straight A's and performing vigilante exorcisms with friends:
It appeared as if we were observing a tremendous battle between the Susan we knew and loved and some strange evil force. But the momentum had shifted and we now sensed that victory was at hand.
While Alice and Louise held Susan, her sister continued holding the Bible to her face. Almost taunting the evil spirit that had almost beaten us minutes before, the students dared Susan to read biblical passages. She choked on certain passages and could not finish the sentence "Jesus is Lord." Over and over, she repeated "Jesus is L..L..LL," often ending in profanities. In between her futile attempts, Susan pleaded with us to continue trying and often smiled between the grimaces that accompanied her readings of Scripture. Just as suddenly as she went into the trance, Susan suddenly reappeared and claimed "Jesus is Lord."
With an almost comical smile, Susan then looked up as if awakening from a deep sleep and asked, "Has something happened?" She did not remember any of the past few hours and was startled to find her friends breaking out in cheers and laughter, overwhelmed by sudden joy and relief.
It seems 360 degree head spins and projectile vomiting are just typical Hollywood exaggerations of REAL exorcisms. Plus, this treatment got rid of her skin cancer! So, the next time you are rejected from Ivy League med/law schools, don't feel too bad. When's the last time you got the devil out of someone?
Monday, June 9, 2008
We were pretty neutral on the candidates when they began the race a'yonder. Really, any warm body in a blue Hazmat suit that wanted to clean up this mess would have been fine with us. Hillanevitability aside, Barack Obama was against the war in Iraq before it was cool.(+1) He spent his first night in NYC in an alley we walk by every day, when the neighborhood, it was not so safe. He plays pickup basketball, and comes off as a real human being. For awhile there, he even held out against the lapel pin mafia. So, we were sold.
The more states Hillary lost the worse her behavior became. A couple with a reputation of doing/saying whatever it takes to win, the Clintons started doing/saying whatever it took to win (Maureen Dowd called, and she wants her shtick back --Ed.) By the end of the race, she was touting a tardtastic gas tax abatement and watching the first two seasons of 24 on loop.
Hillary's campaign picked up in a string of Appalachian states. She changed her slogan from the unsuccessful "More experienced than Obama, yet less than McCain" to the focus-group approved "Hey, I'm white!". She did really good in those states, where 20% of white voters routinely claimed race as a factor. She did even better with those voters.
But what about the many voters for whom race was a factor, but would not admit to a pollster/themselves of that fact? Well, we called our grandparents(s) today and brought up the presidential race. Our grandmother(s) likes Hillary and said "Now it's not because he's black, but..." before launching into a David Dukish endgame scenario. Eesh. You have your work cut out for you Barack, güten glück!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
- Awake to the sounds of someone breaking in; shoot them dead; life-goal now achieved
- Remember Alamo; forget everything else and stumble around in an amnesiac state
- Drive around endless sprawl in F-150; count pattern of repeating franchised eateries
- Lower taxes; work for a living and able to take care of everything oneself, thank you very much
You should start by prepping the tofu (you will need one package):
- Open package and drain as much as possible
- Wrap tofu brick in 4+ paper towels, place between two plates, with a weight on top
- After about 3o mins of drawing out excess water, discard paper towels and slice lengthwise into 4 pieces
- Put into freezer until sides are frozen but slice is not all Walt Disney and stuff(30-45 mins)
You can cook that down a bit until the sauce starts getting sticky on the edges of the pan. The tofu will be sucking in some of that flavor as well. Cut open 4 small whole wheat buns, and put a slice of tofu in each one, as well as a "Texas-sized" dollop of sauce n' onions. Top with a slice of homemade fridge pickle, and well as fresh-chopped scallions, cilantro, and/or dill.
Coleslaw could work with this sandwich too, we reckon. Crack open a Shiner Bock and get right to it! Come to think of it, the end product is something like a bizzaro-world version of one of our obsessions, Banh Mi.