In the Hipster Hierarchy, there are Minions and Minionmasters

While we've got one hour now before the melatonin kicks in and we are too tired to even rail against the hipster hierarchy, we do have one hour to rail against the hipster hierarchy. However, instead of railing, let us instead make casual observations from afar, as hipsters themselves are wont to do. In the hipster hierarchy, there are minions and minionmasters.


Much like a vaunted "Head Vampire" the hipster minionmaster is knowingly at the center of admiration from his or her minions. The minionmaster takes his or her position at the top of the hierarchy due to several subjective categories such as seniority, confidence, and hipness. Attaining the position of minionmaster is non-ceremonial and unspoken, but is celebrated by many recognizable rituals, for instance:

• "Clocking" at a party -- There is a party, and the minions are assembled. The minionmaster shows up considerably later than all of his or her minions, and talks only to people that are not his or her minions. Frustrated, the minions must awkwardly break their current conversations and rush to greet their minionmaster, like clockwork.
• Going to an unhip concert -- A concert of a band that is too commercial to be undeniably hip, like say, Interpol or Arcade Fire, may be deemed appropriate only by minionmasters. If such a band is deemed acceptable by minionmasters, minion attendance is mandatory and 'clocking' rules apply.
• Enforcing the hierarchy -- Like landing the proverbial Belle Jolie account, minionmasters do not approve of their minions taking paths that may eventually lead to self-actualization. For example, starting a noise band without first running the idea past the minionmaster, or taking a long distance trip to a place perceived as hip without daily checking in with the minionmaster are both situations requiring intervention. A discouraging, snarky comment or a non-pleading email sent from the minionmaster to the minion is all that is usually required in order to induce sufficient doubt or guilt to make the minion return to the conventional social order.
• Not laughing at jokes until the minionmaster does -- In these uncertain times, minions can not simply laugh out loud at whatever funny thing they see. Many funny things are intentionally funny, and there are few things less hip than trying too hard to evoke an emotional response. So if an Andy Samberg clip spontaneously appears, the minion must recieve implied permission to laugh or face a quip along the lines of 'Hey, if you want we could watch Old School or Anchorman". Conversely, anything that David Cross does must be laughed at.
  

While there are several 'feeling-out' actions taken by a minionmaster to a prospective minion, the minion is usually happy to oblige. After all, the minion grew up in the suburbs with parents who worked at corporate/federal jobs and went to high school where nobody listened to good music and everyone dressed the same. Now the minion is among many creative individuals who were never burdened by such backward practices, and is surprisingly accepted by them. Much like an Academy Nomination, it is an honor to even be considered for the position of minion.