Without a firm answer, their thoughts inevitably drift towards douche school. Douche school offers college seniors the chance to keep fucking about aimlessly while still giving the image (to parents, peers, and their own psyche) of one who is continuing to achieve. The application process to douche school is surprisingly straightforward -- considering that a douche degree costs about $120,000, many, many spots are open in the country's top douche schools. And, whenever your friends ask you do something that you don't really feel like doing, instead of being a human being and just saying no, you can answer that you need to study for the DSATs that you are retaking again in three months in the hope of doing five points better. After all, acting like a douche probably shows initiative and helps one get into douche school.
People are still eager to sign up for douche school even when they assure themselves that they don't want to be an actual 'douche', per se. They tell themselves that a douche degree is actually very versatile and will open lots of new career paths -- non-profit administration, entrepreneurship, public policy creation, etc. Lets be crystal clear here. The vast majority of douche school graduates have no other choice than to accept the occupation of douche. This seems obvious - it is douche school after all - but so many prospective douches are lured to douche school with the fantasy of using the legitimacy of a douche degree to get a 'cool' job. After three years of douche school most students are so weighed down by debt that the only way they can hope to pay it off is to become a douche -- usually a corporate douche or an associate at a douche firm. Even by the time the loans have been repaid, the douche has gotten so used to the trappings of douchedom and has accumulated new debt (mortgage, Beamer, kids) that lifelong doucherry is assured. Instead of that self-promised career in social justice, the douche has become The Man, and is now filled with guilt instead of pleasant nostalgia whenever a once-beloved RAtM song comes on classic rock radio.
Even after douche school, douches get one last summer of fucking about aimlessly under the guise of studying for the D-Bag exam. Apparently three years of douche school isn't enough to be formally accepted into the ranks of douches. Researchers still don't know if douche school simply brings out the inherent doucheiness in its students or actually enforces it upon them by rote learning -- but the end result is inescapable. The best advice we can give to those already in douche school is to remain childless so that you can at least break free once your loans are repaid -- then you can go to culinary school, start a small business, or become a writer. Hopefully the New York Times will quote you for a trendpiece about douches abandoning doucherry for a career in something they actually enjoy doing, and could have done all along without a douche degree. For those lucky enough to not to enrolled in douche school already, DBB advises you to just fuck around aimlessly with a job that pays the bills and concerns your parents. You won't go into soul-crushing debt, and when you finally figure out what you enjoy doing for a living you will actually be in a position to do it. Or you could go to nerd school, where you won't accumulate debt. Only go to douche school if you want to be a douche. That is the only thing it is good for. For those in this catagory, by all means, please, douche away ....
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