Saturday, December 19, 2009

Complacency and the Infinite Blandness

 Just as the best jazz is no longer made in New Orleans, hip-hop became Uhmerica's dominant form of pop music by quickly outgrowing the bounds of its birthplace.  But that hasn't stopped the East Coast Bias machine from cramming mediocre New York rap music into our ears at the first sign of competency.  Case in point is the proclamation of Jay-Z as the "greatest rapper alive".  Jay-Z is really the most agreeable rapper alive, elevating the innovations of others to mainstream status and reaching the widest audience possible. 

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Nobody Has Ever Told Us That We Couldn't Root For The Saints

We weren't aware, but apparently there exists a country club that only extends membership to fans of Historically Good professional football teams.  In it, monacled Steelers and Cowboys fans clink chardonnay glasses as supporters of the Seahawks and the Panthers serve them hors d'oeuvres.  Cheeseheads and Bears fans shoot a quick 18 holes as Chargers and Buffalo fans hand them drivers.  When a Giants fan finishes their backstroke laps, a Ram diehard is there to hand them a towel.  Bigotry is accepted within this country club, as long as your team is old, and at one point won a few Super Bowls.  When a Historically Good team wins the Super Bowl, it is the rightful return to form of a storied franchise that re-affirms established hierarchies in the National Football League.  When one of those flash in a pan teams with a crappy logo prevails, it is an aberration that hopefully won't repeat itself.  These teams were never included so to actually win, but merely to serve as deserving losers, destined for a weekend at Six Flags rather than Disney Land.  To those fans of Historically Good franchises who consider themselves members of this exclusive country club, we speak on behalf of all Saints fans in making these statements:

Saturday, December 5, 2009

It Was Our Duty To Please That Jury

Long before Reality TV made it cool, the courts system has been shoving randomly-selected strangers into confined spaces and seeing "what would happen".  However, since the results have always been unimaginably boring, jury duty has yet to be picked up by a network.  In order to secure 8-12 unbiased souls to judge the fractures of society, hundreds must be assembled.  But only a few will be needed as actual jurors.  All in all, being on jury duty is like being a part of Gideon's army, where doing something as inconsequential as drinking water the wrong way will earn you an early trip home.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Glorious, Odifourous Paper

photo by josh
A lot of traditional-media ink has been spilt over the long-ago death of vinyl and its current plaid-clad life-support.  Such large packaging and warm sound!  Album art meant something, and our couch was like Roseanne's!  Now, those who transmit profitlessly from our mothers' basements must find a new dying music medium to be irrationally nostalgic about.  Take a guess!  Here's a hint: you can cut them into guitar picks, or reflect sunlight to send messages in Morse code with them!