Chomping (At The Bit)

In this post, we’re going to beak down an activity we notice constantly. We snark about it when we see it in others, and when we see it in ourselves we try to tone it down. The behavior is called “chomping” due to its similarity to a restrained racehorse. At the very moment the purebreds are placed into the gates they begin anticipating the following events: gates open, and the short dude hits them with a stick until they run around the track. Obviously the quickest way to end the thwacking is to race as fast as possible to the finish line – is it any surprise the horses press the gates and chomp at the bit to expedite the conclusion of this unpleasant exercise?

People are not that much better. Anytime a line forms or a familiar routine must be completed, people often crowd the area in order to finish faster individually -- even when group completion must be achieved for the activity to end! We often wonder why these inefficient practices are not more self evident to everyone else. Dost we not aspire to be more refined than a beast trained to gallop quickly for communal amusement and wagering?

Airports are one of the best places to observe chomping. Airlines usually try to board incrementally to make the uncomfortable boarding process as quick as possible. So, they call the seats in the back to board first, so they aren’t held up by people sitting up front as they put things overhead. It sounds reasonable, but this doesn’t stop every Dick, Jane and Harry from crowding the gate, simply standing there and milling about until their “seating group” is finally called. Eventually, so many people are chomping that you can’t even separate those in the line from the impatients standing an elbows space away. Once you’ve gotten past these obstacles and make your way to the plane you find that a lot of people disregard the “boarding zones” altogether and you have to wait behind some 7a fucker. Chomping thrives in certain regions more than others, and its easy to stereotype a city’s chomping tendencies by watching how they board flights.

Suffice it to say, chomping is a way of life in New York City. Chomping is rewarded or required in so many aspects of daily life there that people bring a “chomp first ask questions later” attitude to almost every activity. Witness those who lurch over the deli counter angrily, oblivious to the number ticket system two feet behind them. You’ll never be served a drink in a crowded bar without leaning forward and eye-stabbing the bartender until you are noticed, but chomping to board the subway is very counterproductive. Sure, everyone ‘knows’ that you have to let the people out before you can get on, but in practice everyone presses near the doors before they even open as if doing so will expedite the process. Even if you respectfully not-chomp and leave room in front of the door for exiters, chompers will still simply stand in front of you and crowd the area. Then the people getting out have to force their way through, often employing strollers as people-plows. The chompers jump back, knocking into you, acting completely surprised that for the zillionth time people needed to get off the subway! One time when we were exiting the subway, two chompers took strategic positions in front of either door. They could see us waiting on the opposite side through the window, but they held their ground. When the doors opened they simultaneously tried to enter, leaving us no room in the doorway. We exited in one decisive step, carefully calibrating the force exerted by our 200 pound frame to knock the chompers back one full step but not further. It was a great moment.

Having lived in NYC for awhile, chomping is so ingrained into our psyche it is difficult to turn off. Just today, we were checking into our flight at a small Midwestern airport with only two “self check-in kiosks”, the line for which was the same as to wait for the ticketing agent. The ticketing agent called for the next person to use the kiosk, and nobody came forward so we figured they were all waiting for the agent. Chomping like a real New Yorker, we asked all of them if they were going to use the kiosk and they uncomfortably told us to go for it. Now at the front, we asked a woman standing in front of the kiosk but doing nothing if she was going to use it. She replied that she was waiting for an agent to help her use the kiosk and it was ok for us to use it but she wanted to watch. We tried to “walk her through it” but she seemed dumbfounded by the step where you swipe your credit card for identification, so we don’t know how she would handle the 5 upsell opportunities United throws at you without accidentally buying an emergency exit row seat or something. A decent human being would have helped her too, but we just got our tickets and left. A chomping success story? Sure, we got out of that line faster, but it was still so early the TSA hadn’t even opened the security theatre yet. A line had even formed around the barrier, as if doing so would make the plane leave earlier.

What say you, “readers”? Do you hate chompers, even as you chomp yourself? Do you chomp at inopportune times, silently offending the strangers around you? Do you care?