Unattainable Standards of Yuppiedom

Polacy: Proszę Jeść Fasolę Czerwoną (z Ryżem)

Na okazję przyjęcia przyjaciół, chcieliśmy zgotować nasze ulubione danie w tamtym czasie: Fasola Czerwona i Ryż. To danie jest jedzone tradycyjnie w poniedziałek w Nowym Orleanie. Jednakże, Polacy na przyjęciu oglądali to danie podejrzliwie. Dziwiliśmy się dlaczego i wtedy nasz przyjaciel pochylił się nad nami i zwierzył się: "Polacy nie lubią fasoli". Byliśmy zaskoczeni ale przyjaciel ma rację. Książki kucharskie polskie tylko mają dwa albo trzy przepisy z fasolą. Chociaż istnieje wielki wybór zdrowej i smacznej fasoli, polskie sklepy spożywcze mają często tylko fasole małą i białą. Pojedynczo, Polacy twierdzą, że lubią fasolę, ale menu w restauracjach polskich sugerują inaczej. Dlaczego, napiszmy tu przepis na fasolę czerwoną z ryżem.

1 funt fasoli czerwonej suchej, przebrać i opłukać
0.5 funta golonki wędzonej (nieobowiązkowo)
3 liście laurowe
1 szczypta ziół suchych: (niekoniecznie)

• pietruszka
• bazylia
• tarragon
• majeranek
• tymianek

Najlepiej gotować fasolę w garnku powolnego gotowania (we wolnowarze). Włóż fasolę, golonkę, liście laurowe i zioła w kuchence powolnej, i zalej woda. Gotuj osiem godzin. Fasolę można gotować naprzód.




1 pęto kiełbasy

• 1/3 pokroić w plastry
• 1/3 pokroić na połówki plastrów
• 1/3 pokroić na ćwiartki plastrów
  

1 papryka zielona posiekana
1 papryka czerwona posiekana
1 cebula średnia żółta posiekana
3 ząbki czosnku zmielone
5 selerów polonijnych w plastry
3 łyżki stołowe masła, tłuszczu,
albo (sic!) oleju roślinnego
sol i pieprz kajeński

Kiedy fasola jest ugotowana, najpierw podsmaż cebule na maśle albo tłuszczu aż stanie się półprzezroczysta. Wtedy, dodaj paprykę, czosnek i kiełbasę. Kiedy papryka zmięknie, dodaj selery. Kilka minut potem dodaj fasolę i podgrzej. Przypraw solą i pieprzem kajeńskim. Podawać na ryżu.

Freestyle Chickpea and Sourmilk Bread

Just about every type of food that can be dried and ground up is sold in flour form by Barry Farm.  Using the buckwheat flour for pancakes has been a long-time love of ours, but we were a bit dumbfounded about how to use the chickpea flour we impulse bought.  We've also been flipping through Wild Fermentation by Sandor Katz for tips on making home-fermented foods like Kim Chi.  Rather than just listing recipes (we hate following recipes), Sandor takes the time to explain the basic frameworks behind everything.  That way you are encouraged to improvise while still being assured of edible results.  People may think of sourdough bread-baking as annoyingly exacting, but with the right strategy you can throw almost anything in and thus have fun while doing it.

Pintxos and Friends

Few things are as narcissistic as blogging about how many hits your blog has been getting lately; nothing we're able to do is more pretentious than hosting a dinner party highlighting the cuisine of a region whose existence most guests are not aware. The centerpiece was these flag-evoking anchovy pintxos we were informed about here. To differ, we added spicy pimenton ahumado to our mayo and unfortunately over-roasted the peppers, making them harder to cut. FYI, we were able to find boquerones in NYC at Westside.
Since the phrase "Vegetarian Spanish Food" may have as well been created for a George Carlin bit about oxymorons, we had to freestyle for these inclusivity-themed pintxos. We incorporated an ancient secret of Spanish cooking -- using a shitload of olive oil -- to sauté two packages of oyster mushrooms with half an onion, roasted red pepper scraps, and thyme leaves. This was topped with a slice of brie and freshly ground smoked peppercorns. The brie was ommitted on two of these per plate so that vegans would have two less reasons to passively whine -- these were consistently the last two eaten before a new plate was brought out.
For the people who were too squeamish to let their palette wander like a butterfly in an open meadow we made these self-explanatory Castilian pintxos. More notably, we were actually able to bring with us from Spain our favorite olive, Campo Real. They are perplexedly sold nowhere in the United States that we are aware of; please turn the lights on for us if you know where to find the switch. They have a fresh, herbed, non-salty flavor for which there is no substitute.
The reason for the existence of the party was the purchase of a frozen octopus from the corner fish market. At 24$ we needed help eating this, and at the precipice of offending the uninvited the only reasonable choice was to invite everyone that we could think of. We wanted to see if we could recreate the pulpo a la gallega of our dreams -- contrary to the assurances of Bittman we were not. While certainly tasty, it was rubberier than the restaurant prepared version that hooked us in the first place. However, the Area 51-esque scenarios we encountered in cooking such a creature more than validated the attempt.
Like the fabled lost episode of your favorite TV show, message board denizens of Pintxos and Friends fan sites often say that the tastiest pintxos were the ones never brought out. This would be the bacalao pintxos we prepared from this recipe. While that sauce is very lacking in the flavor category, placing a piece of bacalao on the baguette slice and topping it with a pickled hot pepper made an irresistible combination. So irresistible that the possibility of our tipsy Friends eating too fast and choking to death on fish bones caused our inner risk-assessor to keep them hidden. However, based on the reports of sober souls with lifelong experience in navigating cod skeletons -- the few trusted with the task of tasting -- they measured up.

Das Ötmeil

We haven't done a mailbag in awhile, so we'll start out by answering this question from loyal reader Catholic:

Hi DBB. Long time commenter, first time question-asker. I was wondering, when the folks at Das Bloggy Blog wake up and want a Pollanesque, complex carbohydrate laden breakfast, what do they prepare?

As we all know, adherents to the United Church of Poe-Lan are forbidden from mixing dairy with processed cereal. While other value-added concoctions of processed grains such as bread are allowable, new ones are not until they have been traditionally consumed by 10 consecutive generations and thus proven their safety. As shown above, we put two cups of whole oat groats in a crock pot along with some brown sugar, five spice powder, and salt. Then we fill it up with water and cook it for 8 hours. The nutty, textury goodness that results can then be served with raw milk from grass-fed cows.

Our next question comes from our Facebook newsfeed via Random Asshole We Went To Hick Highschool With:

What do Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, and Barack Obama have in common?

The only appropriate response to a question like this is immediate defriending. Why don't you move to Canada or Ireland where there are so many more conservatives?

And a final question from an Anonymous reader:

What is the difference between static and dynamic light scattering?

Static Light Scattering measures the intensity of scattered light as a function of angle and concentration; for dilute polymer solutions this yields the weight-average molecular weight, radius of gyration, and second virial coefficient. Dynamic Light Scattering measures the fluctuations in intensity of scattered light; for dilute solutions of particles this yields the translational diffusion coefficient and the hydrodynamic diameter.

5 Foody Things That Currently Are Reflective Of Our Worldview

We didn't have to start cooking for ourselves on a regular basis until we were 20. There wasn't a grocery store within walking distance, so at that point a box of Zatarain's plus sausage and onions equaled haute cuisine. We then moved up in the world to red beans from scratch and various curries. We also went through a slow cooker phase which we may return to at a future date. But Who's Now?

Keep Austin Weird BBQ Tofu Sandwiches

While the title should be spoken ironically, the dish should definitely be eaten genuinely. Self-styled 12 year veterans of the State of Texas, Bloggy Blog knows a thing or two about an average day there, we tell you what:

1. Awake to the sounds of someone breaking in; shoot them dead; life-goal now achieved
2. Remember Alamo; forget everything else and stumble around in an amnesiac state
3. Drive around endless sprawl in F-150; count pattern of repeating franchised eateries
4. Lower taxes; work for a living and able to take care of everything oneself, thank you very much
   

Despite what the average day of a Texan might seem, the average day of an Austinite is actually quite different. It is much more weird, quirky, and offbeat, and involves a lot of shopping at Whole Foods. As such, its residents might actually eat this in their native environment.

You should start by prepping the tofu (you will need one package):

1. Open package and drain as much as possible
2. Wrap tofu brick in 4+ paper towels, place between two plates, with a weight on top
3. After about 3o mins of drawing out excess water, discard paper towels and slice lengthwise into 4 pieces
4. Put into freezer until sides are frozen but slice is not all Walt Disney and stuff(30-45 mins)

Cover the bottom of a pan generously with olive oil and heat it up. The tofu slices go directly from the freezer into the hot oil. Put a lid on that puppy before you start looking like Daniel Plainview, and cook 10-15 mins on each side, until they are as crispy as a hitchhiker in Midland. Then throw a whole mess of diced onions and green peppers on top of them there tofu slices. Slather that in your favorite BBQ sauce (and maybe some hot sauce too) and it should look something like this:
You can cook that down a bit until the sauce starts getting sticky on the edges of the pan. The tofu will be sucking in some of that flavor as well. Cut open 4 small whole wheat buns, and put a slice of tofu in each one, as well as a "Texas-sized" dollop of sauce n' onions. Top with a slice of homemade fridge pickle, and well as fresh-chopped scallions, cilantro, and/or dill.

Coleslaw could work with this sandwich too, we reckon. Crack open a Shiner Bock and get right to it! Come to think of it, the end product is something like a bizzaro-world version of one of our obsessions, Banh Mi.

Goin' Californie Way TVP Tacos

Now, we here at the Bloggy Blog have never been to California, but we have watched a lot of movies about it. We've figured out that the average day of the average Californian goes something like this:

1. Spot Sandra Bullock reading Naked Lunch at Starbucks
2. Do a drive-by on that punk-ass bitch who owes you money
3. Get stuck in traffic while trying to go to In and Out for some animal style
4. Do yoga while eating a mango and tofu salad while sipping a valerian root/yerba mate blend

If you're flexible enough to assume the lotus position, get ready to fulfill step 4 to being a true imaginary Californian by trying this "offbeat" and "quirky" creation of ours. All quantities are pretty approximate, and feed ~4.

1 cup TVP granules
1 tbsp. olive oil
~1/3 cup diced onion
~1/3 cup diced bell pepper
chopped cilantro, to taste
corn tortillas, many
alfalfa sprouts, to taste

Broth:
1 cup water
1 tsp. vegan chicken bullion
1/2 tsp. MSG (get over it, BPA is the new boogeyman)
1 tsp. turmeric
1 tsp. tabasco sauce
1 tsp. lime juice

Combine all broth ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Add TVP granules and simmer until all broth is absorbed. Turn off heat, and stir in olive oil, onions, bell peppers, and cilantro. Put two corn tortillas per taco in toaster oven and warm. Spoon filling onto toasted tortillas and top with sprouts. Serve immediately.