Leaked! -- The REAL Bobby Jindal Speech THEY Didn't Want YOU to Hear

Good evening, and happy Mardi Gras. I'm Bobby Jindal, governor of Louisiana.

Tonight, we've witnessed a great moment in the history of our republic. In the very chamber where Congress once voted to abolish slavery, our first African-American president stepped forward to address the state of our union.

I was also at one time a skinny kid with a funny name, so I grew up and made everyone call me Bobby. Like the tribal armband tattoo I got in the late '90s, it made sense at the time. I would have kept my real name if I had known it would become such a trendy political asset.

Handling Tools

We're sure this article will get more attention than at our little damp, uninhabited corner of the internet, so we'll keep it brief. But we could not ignore this article from cnn.com, which includes more double entendres than a bad sitcom. They might as well as written an Onion article, and these researchers seem to be aiming straight for the illustrious Ig Nobel Prize. Princeton(!) researchers have proven, scientifically, that upon viewing pictures of women in bikinis, increased activity in the area's of men's brains that correspond to "handling tools" results. Something like that deserves to be quoted for emphasis:

New research shows that, in men, the brain areas associated with handling tools and the intention to perform actions light up when viewing images of women in bikinis.

People have reactions of avoidance toward the homeless and drug addicts, and the opposite for scantily clad women.

We have some good proposals of our own, you know:

• Upon smoking marujuana, is there increased activity in the part of the brain that controls desire for Doritos?
• Why do people not mind the smell of their own farts? Oh, did we just make your mind explode, NIH?
• Scientifically speaking, how bad of pizza will drunk people in the L.E.S. still pay $3 for at 2AM?
• Is there any experimental correlation between female attractiveness and male desire to carry large objects?

If any large governmental funding agencies are willing to fund these groundbreaking research ideas, please deposit the grant money directly into DBB's UBS account.

Republicans Call For Discontinuation of JFK Eternal Flame

WASHINGTON -- Republicans, putting pressure on the Democrat-led Congress and presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama, called for discontinuation of the John F. Kennedy eternal flame in Arlington National Cemetery.

"For many Americans, there is no more pressing concern than the price of gasoline," President George Bush said. "There is a place in our country that offers untapped energy resources. A place where oil is so prevalent that fumes constantly emanate from the ground before igniting. We must extinguish those flames and remove drilling bans there to ease the unfair pressures that hurt American citizens every day."

"The earth in this place is salty and flowers placed there disappear in a matter of days. I drink your milkshake", Bush emphasized.

"Over the next five months, House Republicans will fight every single day to hold Democrats accountable for their dismal record on producing more energy in our country," House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) told reporters. "So many average Americans have been completely devastated every time they fill their gas tank, and this must end."

Democrats however, claim that energy advantages gained from extinguishing the eternal flame will be small, and any effect on gasoline prices will be years away. "It is possible that a current U.S. Senator will have his own eternal flame in the near future", rebutted Hillary Clinton. "We cannot shut off our country's traditional eternal flames simply to gain fleeting political victories that offer no benefits to middle-class Americans, who are hurt so, so dearly every time they go to the pump and are forced at gunpoint to purchase more gasoline."

President Bush then described the National Ronald W. Reagan memorial, which he claimed was a clear alternative to obsolete, flame-based memorials. "The Ronald Reagan memorial offers a breeze of cool air to all Americans walking by, especially those that are being exploited by the price of gasoline." Bush said, "It is symbolic of his message of liberty the world felt while he was President. I question the logic of continuing to honor a man who is represented by the needless burning of fossil fuels."

The Ronald W. Reagan memorial, enacted upon his death in 2004, consists of a 1974 Cadillac Eldorado with the AC blasting and the windows down, and has been idling on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. for its entire existence. In summer months the convertible roof is often rolled down while Sports, by Huey Lewis and the News, is played on the tape deck at a reasonable volume.

Obama, while supporting the eternal flame, offered sympathy to Americans feeling the double-pronged pinch of an economic downturn and rising gas prices, "Too many Americans that I meet every day have been bludgeoned and left for dead by the current administration, their bodies wedged behind a Taco Bell dumpster, because of rising gas prices and the poor state of the economy."

This provoked a harsh reaction from presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain. "I think I speak for all decent, hardworking Americans when I say that I am offended by Barack Obama's statement against easing the suicide-inducing pain we experience every time we hit bingo fuel", he bellowed. "At 4 dollars a gallon, it is like combining the worst things I saw in American History X and making every citizen suffer them."