Like a confrontation over a plush Mardi Gras throw coming to blows, Americans like nothing more than doggedly and irrationally pursuing a 'free' item. "Make some noise!" for a free, low thread count t-shirt that will never be worn? Shit, we'd stuff a lit M-80 into our trachea if that would catch the attention of the fluffy mascot with the shirt cannon.
In the new America, where one may never be seen consuming a carbohydrate in public unless they are drunk from vodka tonics and see a pizza place, places such as Denny's and Quizno's have been seeing a little bit of a downturn in foot traffic. They have figured out that the only way to get people back to eating their non-Pollanesque extrusions is to give it away for free. Once the long forsaken HFCS hits their frontal lobes, they will again become supple subscribers, their wills broken as if Robert Redford himself had whispered in their ears.
The moment those commercials came on the television promising a free Grand Slam, once rational people began doing online searches for the nearest Denny's. They did not consider what kind of scene would actually unfold outside Denny's the day they were giving free Grand Slams. They did not consider whether or not eating a Grand Slam would be a pleasurable experience.
And hey, even if Quizno's is so downright nasty that you would never consider paying any sum of money for one of its toasted atrocities, you will happily give you their personal information for the privilege of printing out a coupon. Now, no actual franchises accept these coupons, but thanks for playing!
Here's a free offer from DBB: when there is an offer for a free trinket or food product that is normally so repulsive that you would step around it, let alone allow it into your body, take a deep breath and stay away from the hysteria. Please note, this free offer for Human Dignity also comes with a side order of Smugness.
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