Leaked! -- The REAL Bobby Jindal Speech THEY Didn't Want YOU to Hear

Good evening, and happy Mardi Gras. I'm Bobby Jindal, governor of Louisiana.

Tonight, we've witnessed a great moment in the history of our republic. In the very chamber where Congress once voted to abolish slavery, our first African-American president stepped forward to address the state of our union.

I was also at one time a skinny kid with a funny name, so I grew up and made everyone call me Bobby. Like the tribal armband tattoo I got in the late '90s, it made sense at the time. I would have kept my real name if I had known it would become such a trendy political asset.


As I -- as a child, I remember going to the grocery store with my dad. Growing up in India, he had seen extreme poverty. If he could win a televised game show through pure pluck and destiny, find love with the girl of his dreams, all to the catchy, post-hip hop beats of M.I.A., then surely any American that desires to can as well. Americans have so many advantages not afforded to fictional characters, such as reality. As we walked through the aisles, looking at the endless variety on the shelves, he would tell me, "Bobby, Americans are able to exist, while improbable fantasies can only win lots of Oscars."
Let me tell you a story. During Katrina, I visited Sheriff Harry Lee, a Democrat and a good friend of mine. When I walk into his makeshift office, I had never seen him so angry. He was literally yelling into the phone. "Well, I'm the sheriff, and if you don't like it, you can come and arrest me." I asked him, "Sheriff, what's got you so mad?"

He told me that Gretna Police had commandeered the last dry school buses in Algiers Point to evacuate some Chalmatians brought to the ferry landing by barge. But then some people trapped at the Convention Center heard about that and tried to walk there rather than wait on the federal government. So the good Police Chief rounded up his best officers and blockaded the bridge, and prepared to shoot anyone who tried to cross. The guns were all loaded up and ready to go. And then some bureaucrat showed up and told him they couldn't shoot people outside of their jurisdiction.

And I told him, "Sheriff, that's ridiculous. What happens during Katrina stays during Katrina. There won't be any repercussions for any of us." Before I knew it, he was yelling in the phone. "Congressman Jindal's here, and he says you can come and arrest him, too." Well, Harry just told those officers to fire over their heads first and scare them back into the flood zone.

There's a lesson in this experience: The strength of America is not found in our government. It is found in the vindictive hearts and the enterprising greed of our citizens. That's why Republicans put forward plans to lower income tax rates so that the well off could continue to needlessly buy consumer products designed and manufactured in Asia and later pass their accumulated wealth down to their entitled children.

While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $140 million for something called volcano monitoring. Our plan does away with pork like "monitoring for foreseeable natural disasters". We appreciate the spontaneity of a hurricane or shower of hot magma showing up unannounced at one's doorstep, and only offering survival to those who are able to pull up their own bootstraps without welfare from the federal government. Because we would totally eliminate the bloated and mismanaged FEMA from the budget as well. In our minds, disaster prevention and response has always been best managed by the private sector and an old fashioned dose of personal responsibility.

Just like the cookies grandmother used to make and let cool by the windowsill on a perfect spring day. Varsity had won district championships, so we all piled into Shrevie's truck and headed to the drive-in to see the latest Grace Kelly double feature. Afterwards I took Supriya for a malt at George's Diner and told her how the word of Jesus made abstinence a logical health policy for the entire nation. We'd lay in the fields at night and gaze at the stars, wondering if there were two teenagers just like us staring back, hoping to someday have the emotional intimacy required for second base. But before I could even imagine being in the position to force my beliefs on others, I had to worry about passing my 6th period Civics class taught by Mr. Livingston. He was of course a clichéd, grizzled Korean war vet who instilled Patriotism and Love of Country in his pupils even as the tides of worldly desire tried to wash it away. Returning to the genuine morals and values held by our past generation is the only real way to extricate ourselves from the recession.

To strengthen our economy, we need urgent action to keep energy prices down. All of us remember the deep, fingernail-ripping, eyeball-slicing, Dali-esque pain from when we were paying $4 at the pump. And unless you act now, those prices will return! Dial 1-800-WANT-GAS right now! If you speculate within the next 15 minutes, you will recieve a free Enron hat!

In my home state, there used to be saying: At any given time, half of Louisiana was said to be half underwater and the other half under indictment. Really, you won't get any dirty looks if you make flooding jokes to someone from Louisiana, scout's honor!
To exorcise the demons, we also need to address the crisis in health care. Republicans believe in a simple principle: No American should have to worry about losing their health care coverage, period. Our numbers show that people that already have health care are more likely to be Republicans, so our policy is to protect their lives at the expense of others. If you aren't covered our advice is to get some leftover antibiotics from your friend, set that fracture with duct tape, and if all else fails drive to Canada and try to blend in. We're definitely not letting you into our health care coverage plans because that would make our premiums raise.

There was also this time when my father, at age 15, was seduced by Kate Winslet and got to see her naked! But then she totally turned out to be a Nazi -- what a boner-killer! Then he had weird angsty issues about it for the rest of his life. Since his two famous producers died the same year, he still at least got some nominations out of it.

To strengthen our economy, we also need to make sure that some children in America get the best possible education. After Hurricane Katrina, we reinvented the New Orleans school system, opening dozens of new charter schools that could simply admit only the pupils it wanted to. These schools did a lot better than schools that actually had to teach all students. The students not accepted by the charter school system now have lots of free time to study for their future game show appearances. It shouldn't take a devastating storm to bring this kind of innovation to education in our country.
This is the nation that legalized slavery, overcame the Great Depression with the kind of government spending I oppose, jumped into the winning side of two World Wars when they were almost over, grudgingly accepted civil rights, and responded with determined courage to the free Grand Slam day of February 3rd, 2009.
My fellow citizens, never forget: We are Americans. And like my dad said years ago, Americans will eat any type of industrial corn product.
Thank you for listening. I totally didn't make any of this up. God bless you. God bless Louisiana. And God bless America.