The Next Human Genome That Should Be Sequenced

Between Craig Venter, Stephen Quake, and James Watson, the list of humans who have had their genome sequenced is short, and is focused on those who lead genome sequencing research. However, a long-term goal of genome sequencing is to identify sequence/function relationships so that we may one day achieve a Gattaca-esque dystopia -- where specific genome sequences with positive functions are built into embryonic DNA to create a race of homosapien 2.0 supersoldiers. The only real question is if the good guy will be a breakaway supersoldier, or an obsolete human castoff. At this rate, based on our current sequencing trends, our "improved" bio-successors will instead be a race of ego-maniacal, hyper-intelligent, creepy biochemists. And we ALL know, that in the future, feeble, hyper-intelligent biochemists will be slaughtered by their own cyborgs.


Obviously, one of the greatest adaptations that we can immediately make to the human genome is to adapt it to the so-called "Western Diet" -- processed foods laden with sugars and omega-6 oils that cause accelerated decrepitude in mere 1.0 humanity. Since going back to "traditional" diets would take too much damn time and effort, altering our genome to accept industrial foods is the next logical step in evolution.

After painstaking documentation, we at Das Bloggy Blog have identified one Paula Deen, whose genome obviously holds the missing link for advancement. Each and every televised show is a demonstration of superhuman capacity to eat foods that induce diabetes and heart disease in the weak-hearted populace. Be witness to her casual construction of the Luther, a sandwich apparently named after the celebrity that it killed! Paula Deen eats things like this often, and yet, is still alive. Sure, she carries a few extra pounds of battle-weight from her feats, but she is far from the half-ton shut in that this diet normally produces. Benefiting from her genes, her sons have obviously grown stronger with time on the overly-salted food from their namesake restaurant.

So, selfish genome sequencers! Stop looking in the mirror and start looking to the future! All this "eat junk food and lose weight" spam we've been clicking on doesn't work!