Friday, July 23, 2010

Now Fuck Off Out Of Our Blogspot

Deputy Commissioner Burrell of The Wire may "rather live in shit than let the world see [him] work a shovel", but Gordon Ramsey proved different with the 1998 documentary miniseries Boiling Point. His ego-fulfilling quest to achieve a 3-Michelin starred restaurant demonstrated all of the assholery and dirty work necessary to achieve ephemeral greatness -- and more importantly -- it was captivating television.

It wasn't long before he was a star on both sides of the pond -- known as "that British asshole on Fox who yells a lot" in the States thanks to decibel busters Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, and as "the fiery Scot with a soft side" in the UK due to his shows there. The British version of KM involves such rosy scenes as the one in which Ramsey softly coos to an overconfident young chef hoping to flip one AA rosette into two: "Now, Chef to Chef, how do you really feel about this?". Its surely a far cry from its American retread, which mostly involves screaming obscenities at Long Island-based, soon-to-be insolvent, fry-cooks-cum-executive chefs. But we're here to talk about his most ambitious and attention demanding offering: The F Word, of which seasons 3 and 4 are now playing on your local Bit Torrent channel!

The F Word is such an intense viewing experience that we can only watch one episode during a 24 hour period without losing our sanity, and even then only on certain days when we feel our moral fibre is up to snuff. It should be preceded by a mental health warning. Its half-a-dozen individual show concepts sliced into paper thin segments and conjoined into one continuous smelling salt huff. Nominally, The F Word is a weekly group-based cooking challenge in which amateur contestants attempt to achieve the highest approval ratings for a three course meal served in a ridiculously tacky restaurant. Guests include various British celebrities of dubious continental fame -- when Baby Spice takes a turn behind the sauté pan simply her given name is sufficient to arouse recognition among the local audience.

It may be rawr, but that's not all. Gordon also teaches you cook one of his creations per week to the beat of his staccato, tightly edited, and visceral instructions -- "hot pan. olirrve oil. venison. SEEEEER. shall-lots. Juniper. ROSE-mury. Butter.Let Rest"

Then, Gordon takes a field trip in order to harvest some suitably exotic foodie meat with expert locals and traditional hunting methods. After simultaneously giving Micheal Pollan and Ted Nugent a boner by succeeding, he then proceeds to cook on the fly and in the field. Sometimes even squatting while wielding a cutting board on his lap and a fire at his feet -- he's obviously cribbing from his rival Jamie Oliver:

Throughout the season, Gordon supervises the hand-raising of domesticated meat from birth to slaughter with snippets inserted into each episode, and in addition a cackling Janet Street Porter attempts various exposés vis-à-vis the origin of Britain's foods:

Just when you try to catch your breath, Gordon reprises Bobby Flay's Throwdown with more anonymous British Celebs. Instead of Flay's tone of reverential deference to his 'opponents', Ramsay berates and trash talks them, and upon victory glibly advises them to "Fuck off out of my kitchen!" With the new FCC obscenity ruling, this would make another great GR import if Americans weren't treating their hyperactivity with amphetamines.

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