- The Vinnie Chase
A generation reared on Axe commercials and Sportscenter enters the gym thinking that uttering bro inanities could earn them a TV development contract. So they turn their Marshall stacks to eleven and subject everyone else to their prattlings. Bros, you and what you have to say are not that interesting. Nobody wants to hear your bland perspectives on beer pong courtship, B-school applications, and the college football “coaching carousel”.
- The Thinker
The Thinker is a philosophic soul who divines inspiration from a Nautilus. In between lat pull sets they enter a deep hypnotic state, gazing forward, mouth agape, earphone cords dangling. These meditation sessions last as long as 15 minutes, broken only by someone finally asking to “work in a set”. Their homeostasis broken, they frown and pound out 7 or 8 weak-ass reps and storm away into the sweaty mists, never seen again … until you need to use the shoulder press.
- The Surgeon
The world is a dirty place, and a gym is about as hygienic as licking an armpit. Only The Surgeon recognizes this one basic truth and works selflessly to turn the tide against pestilence. Pay witness to their clockwork use of hand sanitizer and tireless “wiping down” of machines after use. If an entire pine thicket of paper towels were not sacrificed for every workout sesh every man, woman, and child would succumb to endemic plague. Or, if you are such a germophobe you could just buy a fucking Bowflex. We’re going to sit on it, not eat off of it. Just wipe the sweat off and bounce, and save your advanced sterilization techniques for a trip to a burn ward or something.
- The Absent Parent
The Absent Parent is a 33 year old divorced guy who has the kids two weekends a month and finds them a real drag on his social calendar. Doesn’t that bitch know that Saturday mornings are for bench presses? The Absent Parent doesn’t let a little thing called responsibility get in the way of a good workout. Why hire a babysitter when you can just drop the ankle biters off at the basketball courts to bug the people in there? You don’t even need to provide a basketball because the kids will just innocently take the basketball of some bro shooting around. Leave that schmuck with the false choice of making some 5 year olds cry or not.
- The Lurker
The Lurker does not have a gym membership or even a friend to sign him in. So, Lurk hides in the shadows asking people walking by to sign him in. To sign him in you have to memorize some personal details to adequately prove to the staff that you indeed “know” Lurk.