This is a fair and balanced blog now.

After so many transparently partisan* attacks on the McCain-Palin ticket (He had an affair with a lobbyist and writes shitty op-eds, she is underhanded and has no experience) the NYTimes finally soldiered up the integrity to attempt a similar takedown of Joe Biden. (Barack "Jesus" Obama has never done anything wrong.) Of course, it was a half-hearted attempt of innuendo that was quickly relegated to the Politics section, gracing the front page for nary a day.

Focusing on the favors the credit-loving hack Senator enjoys in his home state, the all-too-common buried lede debunks his main character building experience:

Beyond landscaping costs, one of the Biden campaign’s largest regular expenditures is for Amtrak tickets for the senator and his aides or consultants. Going back to 2001, those expenses typically ranged from $9,000 to $15,000 a year — far exceeding that of his colleagues in Delaware’s Congressional delegation, whose campaigns spent between $500 and $3,000, federal election records show. Like Mr. Biden, Delaware’s other senator, Thomas R. Carper, and Representative Michael N. Castle commute daily to Washington, their offices said.

Biden, of course, typically makes a point in stump speeches of relating to Joe Six-Pack-With-a-Lower-IQ by talking about his daily commute. It started as a way for him to visit his two young sons after his wife and daughter died in a automobile crash. Now it is a way for him to chill at his lakefront mansion. Senator, I served with Calvin's Dad: I knew Calvin's Dad; Calvin's Dad was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Calvin's Dad. You're cool if I plagiarized that, right Joe?

It is at this point that we left-coast elitists need to remind ourselves of the life of an average American in these trying, desperate economic times. The average American lives in a small town where the manufacturing/call center job he/she used to work at was recently outsourced due to NAFTA/globalization. Sure, the average American could get a new, depressing job at the meatpacking plant/maximum security prison, but the pay is less and it is 100 miles away. Gas prices what they are, a commute is out of the question, and he/she can't sell the house and move there ever since the housing bubble popped.

Also, the team lost in the state quarterfinals again this year. Coach should really start playing that Sanderson boy more. A real sparkplug. And what with Nell's son listening to that rap music, we're going to have get Sheriff McKay to keep an eye on him. I know trouble when I see it, I'll tell you what. Sure thing Jimmy, if I ever see him near your darling Sandra you'll be the first to know.

Anyway -- the point is, the Average American doesn't want to hear about how your campaign spends $10K a year shuttling you and your staff up and down the eastern seaboard so you can be kicking it on your badass deck before the fireflies come out. As much that can be said for the Palin VP pick being a cynical stab at chromosomal inclusivity -- the Biden pick is the same kind of rote process that gave us the uninspiring banality of Kerry and Lieberman. Hang around Washington long enough, and it will eventually be your turn. Yeah, even you there playing kickball.

Tonight's debate will be a fascinating matchup between someone who can't talk in complete sentences, and someone who completes way too many. We won't be liveblogging it! Don't stay tuned!

*In an ironical sense. It's not partisan if you are right.

"It would be funnier if it wasn't sad"

Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain

From the district that brought you David Duke!

It wasn't long after the creation of Das Bloggy Blog that we were inundated with charges of elitism -- the kind of elitism that is too cool for quirky movies and the Olympics. Sure, every once in awhile Das Bloggy Blog could be spotted ironically double fisting PBR at a "dive bar" like the common man, but generally we were full of expensive microbrew, casual snark, and incestuous linking. We didn't know where the blog ended and where real life began -- it wasn't long before we had alienated everyone we held dear and were left with nothing but pithy pageviews and threaded comments in our head. But it should be noted, to those that haven't disavowed us already, that we never publicly advocated for the sterilization of the poor.

We never brainstormed this idea, kicked it around informally to colleagues, and leaked it to the press. We never whined that such a 'radical' idea would never be accepted politically, and we never preemptively came up with arguments that it wasn't racist.

We say this because Louisiana State Rep. John LaBruzzo, did. Straight outta Ol' Metry, LaBruzzo wants to pay poor Louisianians $1000 for a sterilization procedure -- and also give a little per diem to educated Americans, hardworking Americans as well for popping out more future Republicans:

"What I'm really studying is any and all possibilities that we can reduce the number of people that are going from generational welfare to generational welfare, " he said.

He said his program would be voluntary. It could involve tubal ligation, encouraging other forms of birth control or, to avoid charges of gender discrimination, vasectomies for men.

It also could include tax incentives for college-educated, higher-income people to have more children, he said.

We know comparing everyone to Nazis is soooooo 2007, but there really isn't any other way to react to this. We know it must be hard these days, with gas prices what they are, to come up with new and innovative ways to appeal to your racist electorate. But seriously, next time just talk about resurrecting the rotting corpse of Harry Lee and how much you appreciate McCain's values. As you could guess, some of the unmoderated NOLA.commenters absolutely LOVED this idea (the eugenics one):

WhoaNellie: Awesome idea. One that I have bee saying for years. $1,000.00 is to cheap, let's make it $5,000.00. Beleive me we will come out way ahead. Anybody who wants it is in. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than people who can't afford another child that keep busting them out. Come on people!!! We are paying for the whole ride from cradle to grave. Everything... This is not about race, it is about trying to provide a reasonable quality of life. I only have 2 kids because that is what I can handle. Sure I could have had more, but that is not right.

Oh yea, how wonderfull it is for crackheads and other low lifes to keep on having babies. Think about it people. $5,000.00 is a bargain...

crispyfried: Great idea!,i'm all for it. That thousand will be taken by hundreds probably thousands or more faster than you can blink an eye!.Something has to be done with this welfare crap. It's not working now and neither are the ones receiving it!. Finally someone that speaks the truth and also sees the problems.This guy has the solution everybody cries about. Believe me there's more people than on these blogs that will love this idea.

Truth be told however, they did not seem to make up the majority. If you will forgive us, we'll be going on hiatus shortly in order to work on this country's economic deficit.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do for Some Companies

When we last left this story, we had passively broken up with our first long-term credit card company, Kapital Eins. They had been sending obvious signals, like letters saying we could cancel the account by not agreeing to a cash advance fee. They even suggested a private location for the breakup, namely their automated cancellation line. This was great, because we have no balls. A lot less drama than the time we broke up with Cingular at Bistro du Sud: The salade niçoise stains never came out of our white linen sports coat, and the waitstaff still snickers when we stroll by.

Well, they must be having quite the dry spell, because we just recieved a 1AM text from them in the form of a random $4.20 check in the mail. What is this for you ask? Do they just feel lonely that their roommate is out of town for the weekend? We sure as hell took all of our How I Met Your Mother DVDs back when we stormed out of their place -- with nary a negative balance in sight. Silly us, we thought they had been getting the hint.

Sure, Kapital Eins says they just want to have a casual drink or two and catch up. But we know that the moment we deposit that check they will reopen our account and start racking up fees on that $4.20 "cash advance". And lets be honest, $4.20 isn't even enough to buy a dime bag these days! (Heyoh!) We think its about time our new credit purveyor, Chuck Schwab, slid up aside, put their arm around us, looked Kapital Eins right in the eye, and said that we didn't wan't to talk to or see them any longer.

List of Notable Community Organizers and Governors

Sparked by a crack we first saw on Gawker, we'd like to make a short list of notable Community Organizers and Governors.

Community Organizers:

• Jesus
  
• Martin Luther King Jr.
• Mahatma Gandhi
• Barack Obama

Governors:

• Pontius Pilate
• George Wallace
  
• Victor Hope
• Sarah Palin
  

Gustav -- The Storm That Cried Wolf

The lessons we all learned from Katrina don't need repeating. What did Gustav teach us? Judging solely by the Nola.commenters, it taught us that we are a bunch of self-absorbed whiners.

After Katrina, Mayor Nagin was criticized for not employing a comprehensive evacuation plan early enough. Evidently he was supposed to find the time and money to do such things while running a financially bankrupt city with failing public institutions. This time, everyone took it seriously. There were free evacuation buses to undisclosed locations(say hi to Cheney for us!) and people actually took them. FEMA even said they would reimburse some evacuation costs we believe. Nagin got wide-eyed and did everything to stroke Gustav's ego short of going horseback through the city with a loud bell and a tri-cornered hat.

Gustav ended up calming down, veering away slightly from the city, and not knocking down the shitty levee system again. So far, so good. But then came the aftershocks of online whiners unable to understand the grey area between no damage and complete flooding. With most of the power gone, and essential services unstaffed, Evacuees weren't allowed back until two days after Gustav passed. Thinking Gustav was a hurricane of iPhones and Harry Potters, some even parked along the road at National Guard checkpoints in advance of the then unknown readmission date. Once back, everyone left their darkened homes and scurried to the nearest WiFi hotspot to complain about lack of said Ben Franklin-juice. Their veins opened, a blood-oath was announced that they would never evacuate again, just to show that Nagin for fucking it all up again.

Please get a grip. When you live below sea-level on the gulf coast, you should have enough patience and money to evacuate on average once a year. Hearing how much it sucks is about as tolerable as a New Yorker complaining about trash piles on the sidewalk and filthy subway platforms; the scorn as logical as a Houstonian bitching about smog and sprawl.

We guess they aren't the only ones that come off as wishing for a Katrina sequel; leftist soapbox-stander Micheal Moore completely alienated us with his opening line on Olbermann 360:



Yep, with lots of time to think about what to say, the best zinger he could come up with was that Gustav was proof of God's existence since a terrible storm could make the Republicans look bad during their convention. We remember Moore mostly for presenting one-sided, biased, and overall convincing arguments for just causes, and for his awkward habit of injecting himself into the plight of victims he supported. But this is unforgivable. A day or two later he posted a rambling non-apology for the statement on his website. Fuck you, Mike. While you keep talking to God and going further down the rabbit hole of insanity, please be sure to say hi to Britney for us.

So, is everything back to normal down there?

Uh, yeah. These are the three guys who singlehandedly rebuilt the city, in case you forgot.