How Medal Inflation Affects You

Another Olympics, another blowing of loads about Michael Phelps has a chance to break Mark Spitz's record of 7 gold medals. But few question the legitimacy of the events themselves; ones in which the goal is to swim from point A to point B the fastest yet you get more medals if you are talented at less efficient forms of swimming. If speed is the goal, why doesn't everyone just swim as fast as they can, regardless of technique? Similar approaches are not taken in, say, track events; we don't have events like the 100m Sack Race or the 400m Tippy-Toe relay. Since all of these 'strokes' simply require one to be able to go really fast through water, is it really any earthshattering surprise that every 30 years or so some broad-shouldered guy with big hands and feet comes along and beats everyone?

This isn't Bo Knows, or even 'Samardzija-guesses' for that matter. This is a sport with obsolete techniques that need to be propped up by redundant medals in order to be practiced at a world-class level.

Style is a quick tennis player practicing serve and volley while a tall, slow player works on an booming serve. Style is perfecting your most unhittable pitch. It sure isn't giving merit to techniques that are inferior by the standard in which they are judged.

Probably the only thing more asinine than giving multiple medals for different ways of swimming slower than possible is competitive racewalking. Racewalkers are routinely disqualified for employing a method to go faster:

Running.

"Yes Bob, you can see it quite clearly in this video feed -- in the 17th kilometre the winner did in fact have two feet in the air simultaneously"

We suppose that these summer games in general require a suspension of logic and common sense, much like a presidential debate on how to salvage the economy. After all, until they figure out what she is on, we will continue to be subjected to stories of how Dara Torres (the 41 year old mother) is facing unfair scrutiny only because of past chemically-enhanced cheaters. She explains her success in these terms:

1. Amino Acid supplements
2. Better Exercise Techniques
3. Longer Rest Periods Between Workouts To Enhance Recovery
4. A $100,000 Payroll Of Aides To Maximize Performance

To which every fan thinks:

1. Diet and exercise, like Barry Bonds, right?
2. Diet and exercise, like Bill Romanowski, right?
3. Yeah, you work out less and get more chiseled. Happens all the time. Makes total sense.
4. Because hiring people that know how to beat the system isn't cheap.

Her live in boyfriend, David Hoffman, is an endocrinologist. You know, the branch of medicine that deals with hormones and would be privy to new hormone treatments that aren't tested for yet in competitive sports. The second lie we are fed is her supposed hottness; other than the A-Rod types that are into that sort of thing, most guys aren't turned on by bulging veins and the most defined jawline this side of Michael Douglas.

We hate the Olympics, by the way.