Want Wal-Mart To Steal Your Ideas?

We remember in the early 2000s when the guitarist for Limp Bizkit quit and the search for a replacement took the form of open auditions in Guitar Centers across the country.  Prospective Bizkits had to play original material, which was recorded, and sign an obligatory waiver.  Not only did the shrewd Durst eschew all the contestants in favor of the "guy from Korn"-- as internet theorists claim -- he had an album's worth of riffs to steal without liability.  In this spirit, we would like to publicize the 2010 Walmart Better Living Business Plan Challenge!

Freestyle Chickpea and Sourmilk Bread

Just about every type of food that can be dried and ground up is sold in flour form by Barry Farm.  Using the buckwheat flour for pancakes has been a long-time love of ours, but we were a bit dumbfounded about how to use the chickpea flour we impulse bought.  We've also been flipping through Wild Fermentation by Sandor Katz for tips on making home-fermented foods like Kim Chi.  Rather than just listing recipes (we hate following recipes), Sandor takes the time to explain the basic frameworks behind everything.  That way you are encouraged to improvise while still being assured of edible results.  People may think of sourdough bread-baking as annoyingly exacting, but with the right strategy you can throw almost anything in and thus have fun while doing it.

The Pollanization of Uhmerica

Last week we witnessed the great Poe-Lan address a Barnes and Nobles room chock-full of weirdos to promote his new novella.   It's a crowdsourced compendium of common-sense commandments that can ruin your relationship with fat friends and family as a transparent and awkward gift.  His original seven word edict (Eat Food Not Too Much Mostly Plants) was a bit too enigmatic, so he made like sixty rules of thumb that can be accompanied by smug chuckling.  While it should really be a free pamphlet or series of blog posts, his publisher would much rather add in some light sketches of real food, and charge for it.

Just to Piss Off RockinnRetarded, Who Often Wistfully Fantasizes About Being the 4th Manning Brother

After pissing the regular season away, and during the bye-week before the inevitable, glorious one-and-done, we have some time to discuss an issue that has been really nagging us: why is Archie Manning so revered?

Complacency and the Infinite Blandness

 Just as the best jazz is no longer made in New Orleans, hip-hop became Uhmerica's dominant form of pop music by quickly outgrowing the bounds of its birthplace.  But that hasn't stopped the East Coast Bias machine from cramming mediocre New York rap music into our ears at the first sign of competency.  Case in point is the proclamation of Jay-Z as the "greatest rapper alive".  Jay-Z is really the most agreeable rapper alive, elevating the innovations of others to mainstream status and reaching the widest audience possible. 

Nobody Has Ever Told Us That We Couldn't Root For The Saints

We weren't aware, but apparently there exists a country club that only extends membership to fans of Historically Good professional football teams.  In it, monacled Steelers and Cowboys fans clink chardonnay glasses as supporters of the Seahawks and the Panthers serve them hors d'oeuvres.  Cheeseheads and Bears fans shoot a quick 18 holes as Chargers and Buffalo fans hand them drivers.  When a Giants fan finishes their backstroke laps, a Ram diehard is there to hand them a towel.  Bigotry is accepted within this country club, as long as your team is old, and at one point won a few Super Bowls.  When a Historically Good team wins the Super Bowl, it is the rightful return to form of a storied franchise that re-affirms established hierarchies in the National Football League.  When one of those flash in a pan teams with a crappy logo prevails, it is an aberration that hopefully won't repeat itself.  These teams were never included so to actually win, but merely to serve as deserving losers, destined for a weekend at Six Flags rather than Disney Land.  To those fans of Historically Good franchises who consider themselves members of this exclusive country club, we speak on behalf of all Saints fans in making these statements:

It Was Our Duty To Please That Jury

Long before Reality TV made it cool, the courts system has been shoving randomly-selected strangers into confined spaces and seeing "what would happen".  However, since the results have always been unimaginably boring, jury duty has yet to be picked up by a network.  In order to secure 8-12 unbiased souls to judge the fractures of society, hundreds must be assembled.  But only a few will be needed as actual jurors.  All in all, being on jury duty is like being a part of Gideon's army, where doing something as inconsequential as drinking water the wrong way will earn you an early trip home.