Minions and Minionmasters, revisited

Sure, we've already covered that contemporary youth-oriented social networks are hierarchical and dichotomous. Minionmasters only do awesome shit, and minions aspire to receive their approval. But lately we've been noticing sub-par minion recruiting techniques done onto ourselves and others by some mid-level minionmasters. These minionmastering techniques have come off so transparent that we wonder, are we getting old and wise enough to percieve them in real-time or are these minionmasters we're encountering just bad at what they do? It's a little of both.

What are some of the half-assed minionmastering techniques we've encountered lately?

• Acting Catty. If you aren't paying enough attention to the minionmaster, the minionmaster acts interested in you only to get you to act interested in them, and then leaves. For example: the minionmaster finally shows up to the party, and you don't immediately clock to him/her. The minionmaster sees your 'insolence', and raises you an 'acting insincerely interested in you'. The minionmaster insincerely acts interested in you until you are sufficiently engaged in the conversation. Perhaps you politely ask how things have been going for the minionmaster. At that point, the minionmaster abruptly leaves and does something else, something that is presumably more awesome than talking you, a lowly prospective minion.
• Mocking you. Have you been acting a little too self-actaulized and confident? You know, like a normal person? Well, the minionmaster will be quick to rectify this by lightly mocking you. The way you talk, the expressions you use, etc, are all fair game. A pat on the top of your head might be employed so that you remember that the minionmaster is taller than you. You'd better take it all in with a nervous laugh to show the minionmaster that you are cool and unpretentious -- and while you're at it, try harder to impress the minionmaster. Disclaimer: trying harder to impress the minionmaster leads to more mocking.
• Not Having Your Phone Number. Minionmasters don't ask their minions what they are doing or where they are. Minions call their masters and beg them to join in what they are doing. As such, minions aren't even worthy of an entry into their minionmaster's cell phone. Now, a good minionmaster has minions all around the city begging him/her to join them. So beg convincingly. Even if the minionmaster is actually at some lame club type place in midtown, it is cooler than what you are doing because that is where the minionmaster is.

So, a lot of minionmasters really suck these days. A good minionmaster effortlessly makes you their minion without you even knowing it! We tried to think of the greatest minionmasters of all time, but at this point could only think of three that are really tremendous. In chronological order:

• Paul Gauguin. Gauguin was a stockbroker, but presumably did it ironically. When that got boring, he flaked out on his family and moved to Paris, later going on to successfully minionmaster talented, impressionable artists like Vincent van Gogh.
• Neal Cassady. Supposedly a writer, Cassady successfully minionmastered all the major figures of the 'beat generation' as well as Ken Kesey and his band of Merry Pranksters. Outstanding. Alan Ginsburg's "Howl" is dedicated to him, and another one of his minions, Jack Kerouac, wrote entire books about how awesome he was. He even had his minions have sex with each other for his own amusement!
• Jude Matthews. Matthews has minionmastered most of the hipsters in the greater New Orleans area. Erstwhile t-shirt moguls make tribute videos of him to post on their website. He is wistfully recalled by druggie sous chefs that hang out at The Saint. Have a marching band that is so ironic that it is actually more genuine than miller draft? Save the gong duties for Jude.
• Denzel Washington in Training Day he received the Oscar for Best Male Minionmaster for this role.

Those are some talented minionmasters. If you can think of more, please add them in the comments. But politicians, dictators, and religious figures don't count. Pretty much, just scenesters do.