5 Foody Things That Currently Are Reflective Of Our Worldview

We didn't have to start cooking for ourselves on a regular basis until we were 20. There wasn't a grocery store within walking distance, so at that point a box of Zatarain's plus sausage and onions equaled haute cuisine. We then moved up in the world to red beans from scratch and various curries. We also went through a slow cooker phase which we may return to at a future date. But Who's Now?

5 Totally Extreme Money Saving Tips That Will Never Backfire, Ever

So what, is Das Bloggy Blog just some kind of snarky know-it-all who stands in the corner and criticizes everyone else, without producing any viable, unique alternatives? Well, normally yes, but the blog is for fun, so we can make an exception here.

Here are 5 hott money saving tips that are guaranteed never to backfire.

1. Embrace Piracy: Trips to the movie theatre, cable, Netflix, and music CD's are expensive. Respectively, stop going, cancel, cancel, and stop buying. Download VLC media player, PeerGuardian, and microTorrent. Go to piratebay and steal what you need.
2. Make Michael Pollan Cry: Did you know that government-subsidized, processed, unhealthy foods not only taste awesome and are cheap, but also are the most calorie-dense? That is called value where we're from. If you are worried about getting a weird combination of scurvy and the rickets, stop whining and take a multivitamin. "But what about the increased health costs associated with that diet?", we mock you in a singsong voice. Don't worry, we'll get to that later.
3. Sterilize Yourself: You know what's expensive? Spending years trying to not have children, and then having them. A one time gettin-yrself-fixed procedure will free you from the burden of birth control. You won't have to worry about providing for another person in the future, thus saving $40 million for their likely college costs. Helping to free the earth from the scourge of more humanity is also a bold environmental statement. If you want to nurture something, start using your Tamagotchi unironically. It won't call you a bitch who doesn't understand before slamming the door and playing Avril Lavigne really loud.
4. Flask It: Drinks at bars and concerts are expensive. Next time your "friends" want to drop $40+, just order soft drinks and slip off somewhere private.
   
5. Let Yourself Go: Now that you are eating junk food all day, you should cancel your gym membership too and start packing on the pounds. Contrary to popular opinion, obese people have less health care costs than skinny people because they die sooner. By striving for every risk factor in the book, the odds of every artery in your body exploding violently at age 65 are really high. In the meantime, you will save by reclaiming your retirement savings with the confidence in knowing that you will expire the very moment your value to the American economy goes away. This may hurt your sex life, but your blood pressure will be too high to get it up anyway.
   

4 "Money-Saving" Tips That Could Very Well Backfire

In these dire economic times, in which we don't read Cormac McCarthy's The Road because we are already living in a post-apocalyptic nightmarescape of depravation, lists of so-called "money-saving" tips (MST) are thrown at us like crescents of fire from a certain Mega Man boss. (We won't make you guess which one, it is Fire Man)

Here are 4 of those tips that could very well backfire and leave you in an even deeper roadside ditch of poverty:

1. Make your own coffee: No list of MST is complete without this one. After all, if you get one of those crazy $5.19 lattes every day you go to work, that is like $1200 a year!! With that kind of money, you could buy one of those flat-screen HDTV that are becoming a default purchase nowadays. So, the obvious alternative is to make your own coffee at home and at work. But for some of us, and we're not naming names yet looking straight into the mirror, doing this just increases coffee consumption. Around NYC, stand coffee costs like $1.50. Downgrading your elitist tastes and controlling your coffee intake to when it is actually needed is the real way to save money here.
2. Do Everything Yourself: To really bump of the volume of tips, MST lists will have numerous entries of "Make/Do _______ Yourself". Besides the lower sticker price, presumptive health benefits from the exercise you will get by doing every goddamned task yourself are also inserted as fact. But, these tips often neglect capital costs and the arduous time spent perfecting a new trade. Here at Das Bloggy Blog HQ, we make our own beer(decent), laundry detergent(meh), and crystal meth(smelly, yet profitable); however much like the guy with the guitar, shaggy hair, and Converse All Stars, we aren't in it for the money. Unless you are getting some sort of innate pleasure from your Tyler Durden wet-dream, its best to leave the farming, seamstressing, and pad-thai making to the professionals.
3. Undermine Yourself: Most of us have better things to do than set traps and inconveniences to protect ourselves from a lack of willpower, such as treating your credit cards like Han Solo to make them less convenient. Seriously, if you have to resort to stuff like that, you might as well hire a trucker hatted douchebag to sit in a van and laugh at you while you fuck up your life.
4. Buy Gadgets: Let's face it, people like to buy stuff. But buying yuppie gadgets won't save you money (they actually cost money). Sure, energy efficient versions of things you already use, like CFLs, are a good idea. But you won't have many reasons to drive your fuel efficient Vespa if you are at home with your new your chromed-out espresso maker and Dance Dance Revolution machine. Most of these tips just lead to #2.