5 Totally Extreme Money Saving Tips That Will Never Backfire, Ever

So what, is Das Bloggy Blog just some kind of snarky know-it-all who stands in the corner and criticizes everyone else, without producing any viable, unique alternatives? Well, normally yes, but the blog is for fun, so we can make an exception here.

Here are 5 hott money saving tips that are guaranteed never to backfire.

1. Embrace Piracy: Trips to the movie theatre, cable, Netflix, and music CD's are expensive. Respectively, stop going, cancel, cancel, and stop buying. Download VLC media player, PeerGuardian, and microTorrent. Go to piratebay and steal what you need.
2. Make Michael Pollan Cry: Did you know that government-subsidized, processed, unhealthy foods not only taste awesome and are cheap, but also are the most calorie-dense? That is called value where we're from. If you are worried about getting a weird combination of scurvy and the rickets, stop whining and take a multivitamin. "But what about the increased health costs associated with that diet?", we mock you in a singsong voice. Don't worry, we'll get to that later.
3. Sterilize Yourself: You know what's expensive? Spending years trying to not have children, and then having them. A one time gettin-yrself-fixed procedure will free you from the burden of birth control. You won't have to worry about providing for another person in the future, thus saving $40 million for their likely college costs. Helping to free the earth from the scourge of more humanity is also a bold environmental statement. If you want to nurture something, start using your Tamagotchi unironically. It won't call you a bitch who doesn't understand before slamming the door and playing Avril Lavigne really loud.
4. Flask It: Drinks at bars and concerts are expensive. Next time your "friends" want to drop $40+, just order soft drinks and slip off somewhere private.
   
5. Let Yourself Go: Now that you are eating junk food all day, you should cancel your gym membership too and start packing on the pounds. Contrary to popular opinion, obese people have less health care costs than skinny people because they die sooner. By striving for every risk factor in the book, the odds of every artery in your body exploding violently at age 65 are really high. In the meantime, you will save by reclaiming your retirement savings with the confidence in knowing that you will expire the very moment your value to the American economy goes away. This may hurt your sex life, but your blood pressure will be too high to get it up anyway.