Have Some Human Dignity, For Free

Like a confrontation over a plush Mardi Gras throw coming to blows, Americans like nothing more than doggedly and irrationally pursuing a 'free' item. "Make some noise!" for a free, low thread count t-shirt that will never be worn? Shit, we'd stuff a lit M-80 into our trachea if that would catch the attention of the fluffy mascot with the shirt cannon.

"It would be funnier if it wasn't sad"

Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain

From the district that brought you David Duke!

It wasn't long after the creation of Das Bloggy Blog that we were inundated with charges of elitism -- the kind of elitism that is too cool for quirky movies and the Olympics. Sure, every once in awhile Das Bloggy Blog could be spotted ironically double fisting PBR at a "dive bar" like the common man, but generally we were full of expensive microbrew, casual snark, and incestuous linking. We didn't know where the blog ended and where real life began -- it wasn't long before we had alienated everyone we held dear and were left with nothing but pithy pageviews and threaded comments in our head. But it should be noted, to those that haven't disavowed us already, that we never publicly advocated for the sterilization of the poor.

We never brainstormed this idea, kicked it around informally to colleagues, and leaked it to the press. We never whined that such a 'radical' idea would never be accepted politically, and we never preemptively came up with arguments that it wasn't racist.

We say this because Louisiana State Rep. John LaBruzzo, did. Straight outta Ol' Metry, LaBruzzo wants to pay poor Louisianians $1000 for a sterilization procedure -- and also give a little per diem to educated Americans, hardworking Americans as well for popping out more future Republicans:

"What I'm really studying is any and all possibilities that we can reduce the number of people that are going from generational welfare to generational welfare, " he said.

He said his program would be voluntary. It could involve tubal ligation, encouraging other forms of birth control or, to avoid charges of gender discrimination, vasectomies for men.

It also could include tax incentives for college-educated, higher-income people to have more children, he said.

We know comparing everyone to Nazis is soooooo 2007, but there really isn't any other way to react to this. We know it must be hard these days, with gas prices what they are, to come up with new and innovative ways to appeal to your racist electorate. But seriously, next time just talk about resurrecting the rotting corpse of Harry Lee and how much you appreciate McCain's values. As you could guess, some of the unmoderated NOLA.commenters absolutely LOVED this idea (the eugenics one):

WhoaNellie: Awesome idea. One that I have bee saying for years. $1,000.00 is to cheap, let's make it $5,000.00. Beleive me we will come out way ahead. Anybody who wants it is in. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than people who can't afford another child that keep busting them out. Come on people!!! We are paying for the whole ride from cradle to grave. Everything... This is not about race, it is about trying to provide a reasonable quality of life. I only have 2 kids because that is what I can handle. Sure I could have had more, but that is not right.

Oh yea, how wonderfull it is for crackheads and other low lifes to keep on having babies. Think about it people. $5,000.00 is a bargain...

crispyfried: Great idea!,i'm all for it. That thousand will be taken by hundreds probably thousands or more faster than you can blink an eye!.Something has to be done with this welfare crap. It's not working now and neither are the ones receiving it!. Finally someone that speaks the truth and also sees the problems.This guy has the solution everybody cries about. Believe me there's more people than on these blogs that will love this idea.

Truth be told however, they did not seem to make up the majority. If you will forgive us, we'll be going on hiatus shortly in order to work on this country's economic deficit.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do for Some Companies

When we last left this story, we had passively broken up with our first long-term credit card company, Kapital Eins. They had been sending obvious signals, like letters saying we could cancel the account by not agreeing to a cash advance fee. They even suggested a private location for the breakup, namely their automated cancellation line. This was great, because we have no balls. A lot less drama than the time we broke up with Cingular at Bistro du Sud: The salade niçoise stains never came out of our white linen sports coat, and the waitstaff still snickers when we stroll by.

Well, they must be having quite the dry spell, because we just recieved a 1AM text from them in the form of a random $4.20 check in the mail. What is this for you ask? Do they just feel lonely that their roommate is out of town for the weekend? We sure as hell took all of our How I Met Your Mother DVDs back when we stormed out of their place -- with nary a negative balance in sight. Silly us, we thought they had been getting the hint.

Sure, Kapital Eins says they just want to have a casual drink or two and catch up. But we know that the moment we deposit that check they will reopen our account and start racking up fees on that $4.20 "cash advance". And lets be honest, $4.20 isn't even enough to buy a dime bag these days! (Heyoh!) We think its about time our new credit purveyor, Chuck Schwab, slid up aside, put their arm around us, looked Kapital Eins right in the eye, and said that we didn't wan't to talk to or see them any longer.

5 Totally Extreme Money Saving Tips That Will Never Backfire, Ever

So what, is Das Bloggy Blog just some kind of snarky know-it-all who stands in the corner and criticizes everyone else, without producing any viable, unique alternatives? Well, normally yes, but the blog is for fun, so we can make an exception here.

Here are 5 hott money saving tips that are guaranteed never to backfire.

1. Embrace Piracy: Trips to the movie theatre, cable, Netflix, and music CD's are expensive. Respectively, stop going, cancel, cancel, and stop buying. Download VLC media player, PeerGuardian, and microTorrent. Go to piratebay and steal what you need.
2. Make Michael Pollan Cry: Did you know that government-subsidized, processed, unhealthy foods not only taste awesome and are cheap, but also are the most calorie-dense? That is called value where we're from. If you are worried about getting a weird combination of scurvy and the rickets, stop whining and take a multivitamin. "But what about the increased health costs associated with that diet?", we mock you in a singsong voice. Don't worry, we'll get to that later.
3. Sterilize Yourself: You know what's expensive? Spending years trying to not have children, and then having them. A one time gettin-yrself-fixed procedure will free you from the burden of birth control. You won't have to worry about providing for another person in the future, thus saving $40 million for their likely college costs. Helping to free the earth from the scourge of more humanity is also a bold environmental statement. If you want to nurture something, start using your Tamagotchi unironically. It won't call you a bitch who doesn't understand before slamming the door and playing Avril Lavigne really loud.
4. Flask It: Drinks at bars and concerts are expensive. Next time your "friends" want to drop $40+, just order soft drinks and slip off somewhere private.
   
5. Let Yourself Go: Now that you are eating junk food all day, you should cancel your gym membership too and start packing on the pounds. Contrary to popular opinion, obese people have less health care costs than skinny people because they die sooner. By striving for every risk factor in the book, the odds of every artery in your body exploding violently at age 65 are really high. In the meantime, you will save by reclaiming your retirement savings with the confidence in knowing that you will expire the very moment your value to the American economy goes away. This may hurt your sex life, but your blood pressure will be too high to get it up anyway.
   

With a toast of the martini glasses and a casual wink Nancy Pelosi added, "Spend it fast and remember who loves you, baby."

What's up America? You're fighting a losing battle in two foreign wars, neglecting your aging infrastructure and coastal erosion problems, and facing an overdue recession. For the long term, you are falling behind the rest of the world in education and technology standards. But before you start feeling unsatisfied with elected officials they would like to give you: free money! Free Money! FREE MONEY!!

Yep, now that the Democrats 'control' both houses of Congress, they can finally get around to pushing through all those bills that Herr Bush likes so much. As everyone knows, the best thing to do when facing a recession, (economically speaking) is to take on more debt, give out checks to everyone, and encourage them to spend it quickly on consumer items made in other countries. Because if the financial hole is dug deep enough, we will eventually break through to the other side of the world, where all of the money is going.